It's not all that uncommon for a WW to turn on the niceness after the bomb drop, especially if her H appears to go along with what she wants. I compare it to a mother who makes her young son do something he hates, and she is trying to convince him how great it is. In other words it's as if your WW is saying, "See? It's not so bad. We can still get along and be one happy family".
Going forward, you may notice that as long as you do exactly what the WW wants, she may appear nice from time to time.........until she gets mad at something or even someone else, and takes her bad mood out on you. Remember, she is a user. She expects you to be available 24/7. She will take advantage ever way she can. And, if you tell her "no" or do anything she doesn't like.....then she punishes you by not being nice to you. Her "niceness" is a tool she uses to get what she wants.......or to punish by taking it away.
The WW is extremely selfish and untrustworthy. When she suddenly becomes nice for no apparent reason, it's usually indicative of manipulation at play.......on some level.
Her niceness should not throw the H off guard and think she is having second thoughts about the M. Instead, he can expect her to want something from him. The nice act is her way to butter him before she asks for something. Unfortunately, it works on a lot of H's b/c they fail to see what she is really doing. I've even read some posts from H's who had a good idea.......but would say "It felt so good". That's just pathetic.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just to chronicle. All out of character and unusual in the week since D BD. All since applying "the rules".
I have had 2.5 honest sounding "I'm sorrys" with no "buts....". I have had 1 initiated dinner for 2 and named the restaurant.
All out of character
Reading tells me to look for the little things that indicate a change, but I am suspicious. I will continue working my plan and proceed with caution. It does feel good, almost too good and this is not my first rodeo. ;-)
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Just to chronicle. All out of character and unusual in the week since D BD. All since applying "the rules".
I have had 2.5 honest sounding "I'm sorrys" with no "buts....". I have had 1 initiated dinner for 2 and named the restaurant.
All out of character
Reading tells me to look for the little things that indicate a change, but I am suspicious. I will continue working my plan and proceed with caution. It does feel good, almost too good and this is not my first rodeo. ;-)
Hello RR17,
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you and your kids. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
She could be temperature checking you wanting to be sure that you are still available as plan B.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Thanks, I just discovered she was looking through the papers on my home office desk. I have a CCTV set up and my daughter was in there when she was looking. I am vacillating on whether to ask her about what she was looking for and did she find it. I got my daughter to tell me that she was looking for a piece of paper, so I won't give the camera away. I have also removed the camera in case she catches on. Thoughts?
I don't have to be accusitive, just matter of fact. "Did you find the paper you were looking for?"
I can always catalog it.
I just don't like people sneaking around behind my back. It bothers me. Is she building a case?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Don't go to the land of crazy, my friend - this isn't what a M or a good life is built on. Your suspicion is about fear. Just hide away any papers or things you don't want her to be able to access because they do steal and lie, I'm afraid. But no emotion, just be practical.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I did ask her and she paused and said she couldn't remember what she was looking for, with all that's going on, her mind was a bit fuzzy.
Whatever. The exercise has taught me that a bold as I have been, a few days of nice and I feel I have sacrificed some power.
The camera was to confirm that she is in an A. It notifies me when there is movement in a certain zone. I will leave it down as it can cause me to obsess. I just want to get proof.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Well, more rules were broken. I suspected that she was opening separate accounts and probably siphoning off money, so I confronted her. Bad me.
And in a way started an R discussion. No argument and she was tender and reflected on how she was a doormat early on in the relationship and how, because of that she has nothing now.
I did point out some progress and how I'm sure that she lost all respect during the recession and blah blah blah. I validated but need to study up. She cried and it seemed genuine, but I didn't comfort. I told her that I realized that the only person that I could control was ME and that I was prepared for whatever she decided to do.
As of now, I am leaning toward WAW over A WW. This could change.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So W went to talk with an attny at her brother's office.
Several hours later I texted "Did you start the process" W: "No just got info" Me: Okay" "BTW, the back door was left unlocked"
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Reading and reading, I still don't get a clear picture. Work on myself for the things she won't identify. Act AS IF. Detach, don't pursue. I get that.
I would love to hear what get's their attention, what has been successful at shaking them out of the fog. Do I pack my stuff?
I realize it is a complicated answer but surely someone has done/seen this and had results.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/01/1706:38 AM. Reason: threads merged
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
