Here is the link to my previous thread. I changed the title of this thread as I am not really a newbie here anymore, but my journey is only 2 months in.
I suggest you don't initiate the contact. If she calls you, then you can answer. Be polite and mostly listen. I recommend that you end the conversation first. If she sends a text message, answer only direct questions, and use as few words as possible.
Thanks Sandi. I am pretty much doing that now. She's told me that me not being as communicative (initiating things, texting her) is understandable because I am angry. I told her I am not angry, just busy. I don't want her to think I am angry, but I am being upbeat, positive and chill when I have to interact with her. So, I can't control how she reads it, but I will try to be even more relaxed.
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You don't. That would be the opposite from DBing. She left you. If anything, she needs to believe she quit the best guy she ever had, and put him on the market again.
Thanks for that. This has been one of the biggest sources of anguish for me. I want her to think that I am moving on, but not everything is closed if she wants back in. I primarily leaned towards that because she is really depressed, but I see the wisdom in this now.
Last week I spent an evening with W as we had to discuss parenting plans, dividing up time with the children, and what we are going to tell them.
We ended up talking about all types of things but I've clearly realized two things: 1) I am not believing anything she's telling me; and 2) my actions have to do the talking and I am done telling things right now
She said she doesn't consider herself single but she went out on a coffee date with some guy. She had another guy who was into her but she rebuffed his moves (he kissed her but apparently she didn't kiss back and pushed him away). She was pissed off at him for doing that, but then a couple of weeks later she almost invited him to her new place to hang out over drinks (she didn't because she realized he's a scumbag).
She is clearly putting out feelers for other men. She told me that she thinks that I think that she has ten guys in her back pocket, but it's not the case. I just said ok and didn't ask for any clarification.
However, that same evening she came over and spent the night (no sex). But, in light of her coffee date and this other dude who she rebuffed, I am not interested in any physical contact with her for the time being. I think it's disrespectful to do that and then think she can come over and sleep in the bed with me and get some type of physical intimacy. I am not going to talk about it but if she asks to come over, I will clearly lay down my boundary - if she's looking for other dudes, I don't want her to come over and spend the night.
She's texted about a couplea separation and kids related stuff and I have sent her short replies answering questions. She knew I went to a concert over the weekend and asked about it - I will send her a short reply about it. I want her to see I am having a great time - and I really did.
In terms of GAL - I am slowly upping it. I went to an unbelievable concert with one of my close friends over the weekend. I am joining a weekly mindfulness meditation group, going to the gym regularly, and will be going to a climbing gym this weekend. I haven't done climbing in like 15 years, so I am super excited to get back into it. It will also help me with my physical activity goals and getting ripped again. I also have some health problems due to having great genetic history. I am working on bringing my diet and medication to improve my health plan. I am also going to movies with my friends and participating in events that pertain to some of my hobbies/interests.
So, lots going on but I am integrating everything at a reasonable pace because I always put high gold standard expectations and when I fail to meet them, I get depressed and blame myself. My IC has been amazing in this to point out that I am setting up myself for failure rather than success and if I want to meet my goals, I have to make realistic changes and phase things in. I am now not beating myself up and following my plans on a daily basis rather than making insane weekly plans and not following them.
I am back to DBing - doing 180s, working on detachment, and slowly dropping the rope.
ADVICE: W has asked to do MC. To which I said that she needs to do IC first because she has admitted she has been deeply depressed for a long time. My question is whether that is a good move?
IC has been good for me and I see the value for her if she does it. But, some of my close friends have told me that IC might just push her towards the separation and divorce even more rather than trying to repair the relationship, which would be done in the MC. But, I don't want to go to MC if she has no interest in working on the marriage.
I am torn. If I stand my ground about her doing IC first and then us doing MC, will that be counter productive in working on the M?
I know people have great experience with IC and MC here. What do you think?
Exchanged very short texts with W this morning about stuff about children. She was out of town and said that she met up with some mutual friends, to which I replied 'Great', and ended the conversation.
It's evening now and she texts me 'how you feeling'...
Part of me wants to text her back but I am leaning towards not texting her at all. After a fun filled weekend with parties and hanging out with people, she's back in town and sitting in her apt being miserable and lonely.
But, here is what I am struggling with.
She will do one of two things: 1) send me an angry or upset text about me not replying to her and that I am being angry; or 2) give radio silence tomorrow.
I think I can deal with option 2, but I don't know how to reply to option 1. It's not like I can avoid her - we have kids and we have stuff to figure out.
So, what do the good folks here think I should do?
Bumping this up because I need some feedback on the IC/MC issue and the texts. I didn't respond to the text last night and I haven't heard anything else from W this morning. Thanks everyone!
I would just respond that you are doing good and leave it at that. If my W told me she wanted to work on our marriage I would have her go to IC first before considering MC and letting her back in the house.
I agree that her IC would be good (and I wouldn't try to worry about what your friends say). Counselors are mostly trying to help the person navigate their lives. Now in my case our IC is also our MC so I think that helps. She can fill in the blanks in the couple session and during IC she can focus on our individual needs.
So I would ask her very simply what her goal is in asking you to go to MC. If it is: I want us to work on saving this marriage then maybe pursue it. If she is vague I would say that you aren't interested in it because there has to be a recommitment to the R involved.
In my case I only agreed to MC when W changed it from I want a happy end and I want you to be able to come to terms with it. And subsequent weeks W has incorporated the advice and resources from the MC. But my W isn't currently going on dates (she did early on express the desire to be single.. she no longer says so).
Focus on her actions. If you cannot believe her words (good for you, I need to remind myself often to do that) look at her actions. But maybe her telling you about the coffee dates is her slowly trying to think about a MR with you. I don't know if that's true. But you have to trust your gut here. And I think her answer for the why to do MC will give you something to go on.
She said she doesn't consider herself single but she went out on a coffee date with some guy. She had another guy who was into her but she rebuffed his moves
Quoting those parts for reference...
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W has asked to do MC. To which I said that she needs to do IC first because she has admitted she has been deeply depressed for a long time. My question is whether that is a good move?
Given the two quotes up above, I think this is the BEST possible advice, you are spot on. Why in the world would she want to go to MC when it hasn't even been a month since S and she is pursuing other men? It just seems to indicate confusion on her part, NOT an interest in reconciling. I agree with Tobias, MC should not be on the table until there is a clear indication from her that she wants the M back again, and that indication needs to include words AND actions. If she says she wants to work on the M but she's still messing around having coffee and letting guys paw on her, then that's not good enough.
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I am torn. If I stand my ground about her doing IC first and then us doing MC, will that be counter productive in working on the M?
She needs to work on herself before working on the M. A good IC can help her with that.
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It's evening now and she texts me 'how you feeling'...
Part of me wants to text her back but I am leaning towards not texting her at all.
Remember to act "as if". So a good reply would be to tell her you're doing great, thanks for asking. Maybe ask her how she's doing, and then listen and validate.
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She will do one of two things: 1) send me an angry or upset text about me not replying to her and that I am being angry; or 2) give radio silence tomorrow.
I think I can deal with option 2, but I don't know how to reply to option 1. It's not like I can avoid her - we have kids and we have stuff to figure out.
Why avoid her? DBing is about not INITIATING convos. If she reaches out to you then it's fine to reply. That's not pursuit. Initiating convos is pursuit.
Thank you everyone for the advice on the IC/MC process. I feel better about standing my ground about her going to IC first and then we can talk about MC. But, I am not doing MC if there isn't any desire on her part to work on the M. If it is just communication management or whatever else she thinks, then we can do that outside of a MC.
About the texts, yes, act 'as if' and answering only ones that relate to specific questions.
I texted her back "I am doing great. How about you?"
I read on here once that you can't be afraid to lose her to save your marriage. Just be strong with what you want and be secure that you will have an amazing life with or with out her!
