The evening went pretty well. No MR talk or anything like that. I looked good and I was wearing my new cologne - she commented on how good I looked, how I've lost some weight, and that I smell nice.
We had some great food and just joked around and had fun. She got done up a bit and was looking nice - I told her that her hair was looking nice and a bit different.
She was bringing up a lot of old memories, especially about us together and talked about them being really happy. I didn't prompt her saying any of that, but she talked about quite a bit of them over the night - which was different as she had such a revisionist take on some of that stuff.
At the end, she told me how great I looked and that I was like my old happy self. I put on my version of alpha male and I actually felt quite confident. It wasn't awkward.
At one point, we were walking by a bunch of vendors selling gear and one of them was scented candles. So, I commented on how one of my female colleagues office was all done up and joked that it felt like you were walking in a room to do meditation or yoga. She got pretty inquisitive about this coworker and I just played it cool and blew it off. There's nothing going on with that coworker obviously, but it really piqued her interest from just an off-hand comment that I made.
She asked me about the concert I had gone to last weekend (she found out about it from a mutual friend). I told her I had an amazing time, which I honestly did, and she saw that I was genuinely happy about that particular evening. Her facial expression was interesting because she saw that I am doing great and I think that bothered her slightly, but she also tried to play it cool.
Thanks to the advice here, I wasn't a crumpled mess and she looked like she didn't know what to make of it. I didn't talk about any of my other GAL right now, but I told her I've been busy at work and other things when she asked. I want to keep some of the mystery alive and not divulging information like a blabbermouth.
She dropped me off and gave me a hug and I said goodnight and walked to the house - didn't look back, didn't wave... she hung around the driveway for a minute and then left.
So all in all, a good evening. I had fun and we had a good time. She kept trying to be physically close to me all evening and I just played it chill.
Now, I am going to turn down a few invites to things and see how it goes.
I have zero expectations from tonight, but it felt like she was testing to see how it would go if we hung out and were just being social. The evening at least gave me some confirmation about what I am doing is working, but also that we can be good together and have fun and enjoy each other's company and can share our lives together.
I am still sticking to no pursuing, doing my GAL and other things.
Big thanks to everyone here for all the sage wisdom. No matter what happens to the M, I have glimpses of knowing that I am going to be okay.
She was bringing up a lot of old memories, especially about us together and talked about them being really happy. I didn't prompt her saying any of that, but she talked about quite a bit of them over the night - which was different as she had such a revisionist take on some of that stuff.
WAS's love to rewrite history, so the fact that she's remembering good things is a sign that her fog may be lifting a little. Be cautious though, your sitch is quite young and it would be unusual for a WAS to want to recon this quickly.
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At the end, she told me how great I looked and that I was like my old happy self. I put on my version of alpha male and I actually felt quite confident. It wasn't awkward.
Perfect!
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She asked me about the concert I had gone to last weekend (she found out about it from a mutual friend). I told her I had an amazing time, which I honestly did, and she saw that I was genuinely happy about that particular evening. Her facial expression was interesting because she saw that I am doing great and I think that bothered her slightly, but she also tried to play it cool.
^^^That's a whole lotta mind-reading there.^^^ Quit trying to interpret everything she says and every facial expression she makes, because she WILL see you're hyper-analyzing everything and that is NOT detachment.
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She dropped me off and gave me a hug and I said goodnight and walked to the house - didn't look back, didn't wave... she hung around the driveway for a minute and then left.
And you know she hung around for a minute how exactly? Please tell me you weren't peeking out the window? Say goodnight and don't look back!
Overall it sounds like you did great though, nice work!
Thanks Joseph9! It's all due to supportive members of this community like yourself that has allowed me to figure out how to navigate this.
AnotherStander - points well taken about mind reading. I have to stop doing that and trying to scrutinize every little thing that she does or her facial expressions and speculate. I know she hung around because her car headlights were flashing through the front windows of the living room. I was already in the kitchen so she couldn't see me from outside, but I knew she was there for a good minute. I didn't peek or look back. i just went in the house.
Sandi2 - Thanks for the support and good advice.
Despite yesterday being that great, I am in a completely different mental zone today. I will write another post about it after this.
Even though yesterday was great and I had fun with W, I am feeling different today.
W came over this evening because we had to do something with the real estate agent who sold our house. The real estate agent wanted to take a pic outside the house with the 'sold' sign. So, this would be something to be happy about it, but I wasn't feeling great about it. I agreed to do it because I wanted to help the real estate agent out and she's being really amazing - both with helping us buy and sell the house. W came over so that we could take a pic with all three of us.
Normally this would be a happy thing because we sold the house for a great price and made some decent money. But as I have talked about it previously, it felt like a funeral to me. I don't care about the material house, but what it symbolized for me as a family, and how much this house means to my kids. They are going to be heartbroken when we tell them in 2 weeks. W shattered everything and this thing was just such a reminder of what has been lost.
W came over before the real estate agent came and we sat and chatted for a bit. There were some silences as well. I was pretty chill and talked about a few things, but I wasn't super positive and upbeat like yesterday. However, I didn't feel like acting 'as if' and pretending this evening.
W was cordial and it was fine, but I felt like I was on planet detachment and indifferent to her. Some internal anger and resentment as well i think. When she came in and asked me for a hug, I gave her one like she was some acquaintance and I didn't feel anything towards her.
I've been reading some of the sitch's about posters who are piecing and what they are feeling. Right now I am feeling like I don't want this woman. I am feeling very cold and indifferent. How could she just tear apart this family and the kids lives? She rejected every offer I made to work things out, including finances for the house. There was zero effort on her part to make anything work so that we could keep the house, even if it was just for the sake of the kids.
I know that this goes up and down, but I think today i have realized that if she decides to come back to the M, I don't know if I will be able to forgive her for the pain her actions have caused me, and especially the children. I don't know if there is an A, but that's something that I would have to deal with initially. i am just so pissed she has taken this from the kids instead of rolling up her sleeves and working with me. I am no saint, but she isn't either. At least I took responsibility for my contribution to the breakdown of the M and expressed commitment to do the hard work - she has just cut and run. I feel like she's such a coward.
So as much as yesterday was fun, I have no desire right now to hang out with her for anything.
After she left, I was just going to sit at home and do nothing really. But, I decided that I had to go out and GAL and find something to do. I found a great event at an art gallery and I just went. I have a bit of an introvert streak, but I can also be really extroverted and outgoing. I sat in the car in the parking lot and debated back and forth whether I should go in and attend this art event. I was a bit early so I decided to go get a coffee and tried to back out of it. Got a coffee and then drove back and just went, even though I didn't know anyone. My problem is that I don't like going to events where I don't know anyone. But I rejected my introverted instincts and just went. And I am so grateful that i went because it was a really poignant and interesting event.
I know I may feel differently about W tomorrow, but I am in the mindset where I could care less what she's doing and not thinking about her. I think I have a bit of disgust towards her as well. Yesterday she was looking beautiful and I wanted to take her to bed and just be with her and love her. Today I looked at her and I didn't feel any of that.
I am getting more comfortable with the idea of not sharing my life with her. I know many of us are trying to save ourselves, and hopefully our M's with DB and everything else, but I feel like saving myself right now would be more than good enough.
I am just up and down emotionally and I think this house thing is a huge trigger for me because the sale of the house is just heartbreaking in everything that it symbolizes.
I am going to enjoy some wine and read and then go to bed. I feel so done with her right now.
Amen dude!!! I feel your pain 100 percent although I am lucky and am able to stay in our house I could not agree with you more. In fact when I have seen my W lately I have found her very ugly on the inside!
After she left, I was just going to sit at home and do nothing really. But, I decided that I had to go out and GAL and find something to do. I found a great event at an art gallery and I just went. I have a bit of an introvert streak, but I can also be really extroverted and outgoing. I sat in the car in the parking lot and debated back and forth whether I should go in and attend this art event. I was a bit early so I decided to go get a coffee and tried to back out of it. Got a coffee and then drove back and just went, even though I didn't know anyone. My problem is that I don't like going to events where I don't know anyone. But I rejected my introverted instincts and just went. And I am so grateful that i went because it was a really poignant and interesting event.
Oh wow, I am so impressed!
It is not so easy to attend events alone, especially when you don't know the other guests. Most of all, I'm proud of you for recognizing what you needed to do following a particularly difficult experience .
From what I've read, your feelings are very normal. Don't beat yourself up. You are allowed to show her indifference.........especially at this point. Doesn't it beat all, how they think nothing about asking for a hug? I would be so tempted to respond with, "Thanks, but I'll pass".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Joseph9. Yeah, I find the selfishness really ugly and it's such a turn off. I don't feel like appeasing this woman at all right now.
Thanks Sandi. Wouldn't have pushed myself if not for this forum and the great advice that I have received. I am feeling pretty indifferent right now and I could care less what's happening with her. I have six weeks in this house and then I am out, which will be a relief in terms of not having the house as an emotional trigger.
My IC has been telling me that it's completely fine to have the range of emotions and to feel them as I am human after all. I get the wisdom behind being upbeat and positive in the interactions with W, but yesterday I didn't feel like putting on a show or acting 'as if'. I think I am okay with that because there is no way I am going to let her believe that selling the house is okay on my part. The only reason I agreed to it because she wasn't willing to work with me on any of the other options.
I know she's also upset about selling the house but I think it's all guilt and not actual remorse or anything. And she isn't anywhere near coming out of her 'fog' or whatever she's thinking. I don't think it's happening any time soon. If she ever does, at this point I don't know if I will be in a place to take her back. I am reading the piecing threads and also what are the signs that the S is genuinely wanting to work on the MR. Nothing from her on this yet, but I don't expect it for a long time.
Right now I just want her to feel the life of being separated and me not being her back up for anything. Because kids are involved, it will require interactions and stuff, but she has the fantasy in her head that we are still some kind of family. In my mind, we are not a family, but two parents raising children separately, and cooperating where needed. I am not putting on a show that things are okay. I am going to do separate bdays and trips and give my kids everything that I can give them as a kicka$$ father and be there for them.
I'm done with her right now. I need to see some concrete changes to even consider working on the MR. And first is her going to IC. I am going to be hugely surprised if she actually follows through on that commitment as that is one of her major weaknesses.
