FTW I think your taking the right approach......it seems the quicker we can get to being done with our W/H and show them the better. I think some people get there quicker than others and for us nice guys it is hard to do. At this time I am with you....I am committed to not giving anything to her until she decides she wants to make an effort. I now just have to be prepared for if/when she starts asking questions. I think we have both done a good job in a a roughly 2 mth time frame to make that happen!
I am really thankful to have found this site so early in my sitch. I don't think I would be here if I didn't have the advice and support. I'm doing pretty good considering its been only 2 months or so. I am moving forward and I am enjoying my GAL and picking up things that were on my personal list of 'wants/needs' in my life that were just about me.
Reading the piecing threads has been helpful to just have some idea of how to deal with W if she wants back in. But, I know i have a long time before that might possibly happen. Right now i am just happy with my own GAL and working on detachment and dropping the rope. TxHubby's attitude has given me a lot of inspiration.
W just invited me over to her place for some drinks. I politely turned it down. She's only inviting me because she's lonely. I won't be her effin back up for anything. I have no major GAL activities tonight (except trying out this new single malt scotch paired with a cigar). I also don't particularly want to see her so it works out for me.
Tomorrow is some wardrobe shopping and dropping off some old clothes to goodwill. I am due for a buncha new clothes any way, and this is a good time to do it.
haha!!! Thanks man (fist bump). I am feeling good and the new wardrobe is going to help me look kicka$$. I used to be very athletic and in shape when I was in my late teens and early 20s. I haven't gained significant amount of weight in my years after that, but I am not as ripped. Going to the gym has been a phenomenal boost because I love working out, but also looking forward to getting my abs back again.
Whatever happens with W, I know I am going to be more than fine.
W just invited me over to her place for some drinks. I politely turned it down. She's only inviting me because she's lonely. I won't be her effin back up for anything.
Wise decision. I think you are getting the picture of how a WW operates. The temptation may come when you are not feeling very strong emotionally. Stick to your guns, and don't be her plan B.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
W found out about one of my GAL activities through a friend and just lost it emotionally. I had seen her after the GAL activity to go out for food, and I didn't mention the activity because we are separated and also my DB approach to limit her knowledge of what I am doing.
Anyways, she was all broken up and left me a note at home. This is the first where I have had a proper response to why she wanted a S.
Her main grievance (and she is not wrong) is that I shut her out completely in the last couple of years. I didn't share my fears, aspirations, challenges, and only shared mundane things about life. Through my work with the IC, I have gotten a better understanding of why I did that and that I was going through deep depression.
Anyway, her note was about how I am still continuing to shut her out and she has no idea why I have been doing that.
So, my version of going dark got me two things - 1) there was an immediate reaction from her and got her to tell me some things concretely; 2) I now know that going dark is going to only reinforce what she thinks why the M went wrong.
I am tweaking my DB approach slightly just for the going dark part and I think this will be my main 180 with her.
Every single interaction last week with her in person has shown me from her body language that she not only had a blast with me, but she wanted to be physically close to me. I also am genuinely feeling better and like my old self and I dressed to kill and gave her a glimpse of my real self.
I don't want to drive her further away, but I am not going to jump the gun at her availability.
She seems to have come a bit out of her mindset from last month and so what I am doing and saying to her, she can actually see and hear it.
I have zero expectations as usual, but she feels that i devalued her and I need to show her that consistently over time, that that is not the case. This while not being plan B and not sacrificing what I want to do in terms of GAL and figuring out my issues and working on them. She is initiating a lot of contact and so I am responding to it without going overboard.
We went out for dinner again at the food festival last night and had a fantastic time again. I was dressed to impress and joked with her the whole evening. She fully participated and also had a great time.
So, as much as she wanted the S, she wants more contact than less - which is the exact opposite of an S. But, I ain't no NGS no more.
In some sense, I have clarity now on her major issues with me and now it's a matter of IC and MC to discuss them. She is getting to a place where this might actually be productive, but I am not counting my goats just yet.
Thanks Joseph. In your own process of self-reflection and being critical, what are some things that you think went wrong on your part?
Yeah, it's been positive with W, but two months back she was adamant about the separation and now that we're in it, she's wanting more contact than less. Part of it I believe is her being lonely, but considering what her major grievances are against me, I know that if I want to make myself attractive to her and gain her respect, I have to not shut her out completely. I can still do it on my terms and not be an open book, but if she feels abandoned all over again, it might just drive her away from me further.
So, I am still being cautious and not going overboard and not initiating anything. I am waiting for her to come to me, and when she does, I am not going to be a complete mystery to her. She wants the closeness with me and that I can accomplish by being real with her about my life.
She texted me early this morning about something we were talking about last night and so I responded back and wished her good morning, to which she responded back again.
So, small steps now that I know what she's holding against me. I need to show her consistently that I am not that man and I am no pushover either.
I have been thinking about forgiveness quite a bit lately. Probably prompted by the piecing threads I have been reading here.
I know that I have to slowly learn to forgive myself about my failures in the M and actively work on improving myself as a man. But, I also know that I have to forgive W for driving the separation and the decisions to cut loose everything. I am trying to be more empathetic and figuring out grievances that I am holding against her.
I have been thinking about the family home more and more every day and it has been a huge emotional trigger for me. I have written about it so won't rehash it again. I am looking at it from a different light right now. The home represented our family and marriage, but the more and more I think about the home and what it symbolized, it really is a reflection of a broken M. The M in that home wasn't a good one and the old M is dead, then the home also has to fade away. It isn't a symbol of a good M.
I am finding more closure on this issue looking at it from this angle. If W wants to piece, then we will be building a new M and a new home for our kids. Then that home can be the symbol of our M and life.
I am not feeling as cut-up about the home now and this perspective is helping me in my healing process.
