[quote=RR17]So W has been nice like nothing happened, for several days. It was a week ago today that she went to see D Attorney and I've had no updates, no mention.
Typical dilemma, I am not to initiate R conversations, yet have personal boundaries. Well, my boundaries tell me that you don't get to pretend like this never happened.
Suggestions, please?
Well, I'm not sure why not. Obviously, I can't control her actions, but I can decide that I'm not going to sit still while she holds this action over my head.
I'm not here to debate the definition of Boundaries, but am I that far off?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So W has been nice like nothing happened, for several days. It was a week ago today that she went to see D Attorney and I've had no updates, no mention.
Typical dilemma, I am not to initiate R conversations, yet have personal boundaries. Well, my boundaries tell me that you don't get to pretend like this never happened.
Sugestions, please?
That's not a boundary.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Let me ask you, if she pretends like this never happened, what will you do???
A boundary isn't a rule, you can't say "You don't get to pretend.." and call it a boundary, a boundary is how you control what goes on around you. So to turn that into a boundary, it would be something like:
"If you pretend this never happened, then I will not communicate with you directly, only through our lawyers."
That would be a boundary because you are not telling her what to do, you are only saying what you will do if she does it.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Sorry if I offended you with a lengthy explanation. Did it because most of us struggle with boundaries but I shall sip a boundary STFU smoothie and wish you well, RRI7!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I Just think "Boundaries" are an abstract that I believe I understand. I could be wrong. But I'm not here to split hairs. If I have personal policies or limitations of what I am willing to tolerate, is that not a boundary?
What I am contemplating is whether I wait for W to start an R conversation as covered in the books or do I express my personal boundaries and let her know that sweeping this last week's developments under the rug is not acceptable?
I do appreciate all the help.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR, it may help if you can post what you are planning on saying to her? Letting someone know about a boundary is generally done when the boundary is crossed, no need to have a R talk when stating a boundary, it's more of a matter of fact statement, such as:
(WW is being disrespectful to you during a conversation) You state that I will not be disrespected, if you disrespect me again I will not continue this conversation. (She disrespects you again) You tell her that you are hanging up, or walking away, and the conversation can be continued at a later date/time if she is able to be respectful.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Typical dilemma, I am not to initiate R conversations, yet have personal boundaries. Well, my boundaries tell me that you don't get to pretend like this never happened.
As is common of the LBS, you can't figure out a way to deal with things without having a R talk. So, you try to label it a boundary. A boundary doesn't give you a pass for a R talk. Is this a boundary you had previously set, or are you wanting to call it boundary after the fact? If she dishonored your boundary, then you are the only one who has an action response........which should have some type of consequence for her. This consequence does not include talking. Having a R talk is never a consequence for breaking a boundary. So, without any discussions.........what would you do about her pretending nothing happened? A boundary is suppose to protect you. What action will you take to protect you from her pretense that she has not seen her lawyer?
Btw, have you seen a lawyer yet? Most of us will advise the LBS to get legal advice, and say nothing about it to their WS. I think that's pretty much what she has done, and it gets you b/c she isn't talking about it and acting "as if".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay, I really don't think I am trying to mislabel anything.
Quote:
Is this a boundary you had previously set, or are you wanting to call it boundary after the fact? If she dishonored your boundary, then you are the only one who has an action response........which should have some type of consequence for her.
As a personal boundary set within myself, yes. This meeting with the L wasn't supposed to be an act of aggression. She said she was going to gather information. Information to have an amicable D because I didn't want to S.
I believe that this meeting may have woken her up from a Fog. IDK She has been nice and respectful and more friendly since going. All good stuff. The problem is she has never expressed her findings or whether she plans to proceed or not. Nothing.
I have been patient for a week. Wait for the shoe to drop only she has done an 180. So much so that as of now I am leaning toward WAW instead of WW. Again IDK.
What do I plan to say? Well, I'm still contemplating saying anything. If I did I guess it would be along the lines of "I have been wondering what you found out and what your next move is?" Yea, I know sounds like an R talk.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So, your boundary is that your wife isn't allowed to meet with an attorney without telling you about it within one week?
And if she tries to, you are going to ask her about it?
This still doesn't sound like a boundary, nor does it seem like it would help your sitch at all.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
No, you are not allowed to take the 1st step to turning my life and our families life on it's head and then act like nothing ever happened. Not without an explanation.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
