Funny you should mention. I have been listening to meditation youtube videos. Thanks for the app recommendations.
As for Negativity? This whole board is negative, lol
As for an A, I don't know what I will do. I guess it depends. I have been through it before and a line has to be drawn. I do believe that it will reveal it's self if it is the case.
I was Distancing and saw results. I have softened and you're right, I'm second guessing myself. It's a rollercoaster.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
[quote=RR17]Funny you should mention. I have been listening to meditation youtube videos. Thanks for the app recommendations.
As for Negativity? This whole board is negative, lol
People who come & post to this site are only here b/c a negative event happened in their lives. So the contented marriage partners are self screened OUT and not here.
But if they post here AND decide to work on themselves - they will always benefit. Their lives will improve by virtue of conscious effort, like being awake versus being asleep. That's a powerfully positive message.
- I was Distancing and saw results. I have softened and you're right, I'm second guessing myself. It's a rollercoaster. Perhaps the best way to survive a roller coaster ride that makes you sick, is to get off it.
See, Detachment is both a means to an end AND an end in itself.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
maybe this excerpt from the script of Swingers, will help. -------
And what if I don't want to give up on her?
ROB You don't call.
MIKE But you said I shouldn't call if I wanted to give up on her.
ROB Right.
MIKE So I don't call either way.
ROB Right.
MIKE So what's the difference?
ROB The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. See, you can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to make her not want to come back.
MIKE So the only difference is if I forget about her or pretend to forget about her.
ROB Right.
MIKE Well that [censored].
ROB It [censored].
MIKE So it's almost a retroactive decision. So I could, like, let's say, forget about her and when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her.
ROB Right...or more likely the opposite.
MIKE Right... Wait, what do you mean?
ROB I mean first you'll pretend not to care, not call - whatever, and then, eventually, you really won't care.
MIKE Unless she comes back first.
ROB Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they don't come back until you really don't care anymore.
MIKE There's the rub.
ROB There's the rub.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You're getting impatient, which I completely understand. I am too. This a long process. It can take weeks for small improvements. My confidant in all this asks me everyday what is going on, which is nice, but he hasn't read the book. he doesn't fully understand how long this will take.
The other benefit to GAL, beyond just making yourself a better person/more desirable; is it takes your mind off the waiting. Do other things to pass the time, since you can't "bull through", as Micehelle says, this process.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
Well, after a revelation today it has dawned on me that I am not early in this process. First EA/IA started in June 2013. Discovered in Aug. 2013. So in actuality, WW and or WAW has been going on for some time. Too much never got fixed.
Early on I made all the natural mistakes. Pursuing, begging, brooding. I know what doesn't work.
It wasn't all a mistake as I started GAL back then. I had to to stay happyish. It took up instrumentS, more golf and read a stack of books. I poured myself into my work, in a healthy way.
Update: We had another R talk. She kind of started and I took the ball. I said in a very matter of fact way:
She needs to learn to not blame me for all of the past She needs to regain respect We are not ready for MC until she has decided (she agreed) "I can't" is really "I won't" Although I don't want a D, I will not stand in her way. Regardless, we will be connected for a long time and if she wants to regain my trust she is going to have to do some work. It is not my fault that I am suspicious. I start IC Tuesday.
She listened and agreed to several items. Then I noticed during Sat. something was bothering her that seemed to be progressing. Finally, after much prodding, she offered up that I had ruined her whole day with this discussion. I stated that it needed to be said and how she felt was on her. She slept on the couch and I felt no remorse. (any emotion from her feels like progress).
She skipped church and me and D14 went. She watched on line and today's message couldn't have been more on mark. "Guardrails"
We can home and she was fine we all went to breakfast. (dang we eat out a lot).
I took off after breakfast and watched golf with friends until dinner.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
maybe this excerpt from the script of Swingers, will help. -------
And what if I don't want to give up on her?
ROB You don't call.
MIKE But you said I shouldn't call if I wanted to give up on her.
ROB Right.
MIKE So I don't call either way.
ROB Right.
MIKE So what's the difference?
ROB The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. See, you can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to make her not want to come back.
MIKE So the only difference is if I forget about her or pretend to forget about her.
ROB Right.
MIKE Well that [censored].
ROB It [censored].
MIKE So it's almost a retroactive decision. So I could, like, let's say, forget about her and when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her.
ROB Right...or more likely the opposite.
MIKE Right... Wait, what do you mean?
ROB I mean first you'll pretend not to care, not call - whatever, and then, eventually, you really won't care.
MIKE Unless she comes back first.
ROB Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they don't come back until you really don't care anymore.
MIKE There's the rub.
ROB There's the rub.
25yearsmic, I get it. It is a reversal of the Pursuer/ Distancer dynamic.
That is twice you have shared this same movie quote in my thread. lol
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
After hearing W say that she that she just needs to "get out of here". I initially responded rationally and went to walk 9 holes where it all hit me.
Unresponsibly, I later texted her that I was tired of it all. That she had taken my financials to an hourly attorney and that that was not "just gathering info". (She claims that she was no pursuing D and doing nothing until further notice) This idiotic attorney mistakenly called me claiming a wrong number. I was tired of being blamed for all of it. Tired of her rewriting our history Tired of waiting for the next BD Tired of hearing "I can't" when it really was "I won't" Tired of losing sleep Blah, blah blah That I was now taking control and prepare for a shitstorm.
I know it was wrong but it all hit me and I was pissed. She was obviously shaken.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
In essence, I have enacted the Beyond Last Resort Technique.
Wish me luck.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Ugh, I knew I had posted the Swingers script somewhere, but not where. So let's pretend it was so important; that it just bore repeating...
Originally Posted By: RR17
So today's drama.
After hearing W say that she that she just needs to "get out of here". I initially responded rationally and went to walk 9 holes where it all hit me.
Unresponsibly, I later texted her that I was tired of it all.
well - you seem to realize that it wasn't something that helped advance your cause. But, we all get off track now & then. Try to learn from it and move forward. Figure out a way to contain yourself even when you get frustrated. A whole lot of this is going to be frustrating. That won't get smoother for you unless you smoothen it out.
That she had taken my financials to an hourly attorney and that that was not "just gathering info". (She claims that she was no pursuing D and doing nothing until further notice) RR, this^^ is her self protection and intel gathering. You can and should do the same. I mean, you are forewarned.
I'm not clear on why you confronted her about seeing a L. You can protect yourself now, but I would be far quieter about it. No need to announce your legal position or share your feelings about it. You are on notice. I hope you have retained legal counsel
but if you have not, is it because you fear seeking out information increases the likelihood of a divorce?
This idiotic attorney mistakenly called me claiming a wrong number. Wow, I'm a L, and this^^ is a first. I'm sorry you had that experience. Forgive me but it's a bit hilarious to me.
I was tired of being blamed for all of it. Tired of her rewriting our history Tired of waiting for the next BD Tired of hearing "I can't" when it really was "I won't" Tired of losing sleep Blah, blah blah That I was now taking control and prepare for a shitstorm.
Just to clarify, you are saying that confronting her re the L was about you taking (back) control?
What if you just sought legal counsel of your own? I'm not pro divorce. But you don't have to retain a lawyer just because you talk to one, and even if you did retain one, you need Not file for divorce.
In California about 1/3 of divorces filed, do not get finalized.
Just saying.
I know it was wrong but it all hit me and I was pissed. She was obviously shaken.
Well, dang, we all backslide. (Really, we all do.) Detachment is pretty mandatory.
Dust yourself off and move forward. I think The more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them. And You don't want to corner her.
Being in control of yourself projects more power and self confidence, and you'll feel more self confidence too.
RR, Are you doing any new GAL? I'm asking b/c you seem to be struggling with detachment, which makes your path even harder. I know you have your regular activities but perhaps you can consider that new GAL activities are by their very nature, more absorbing. And sometimes we really need the distraction.
Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
