A familiar story with questions. II

[RR17]

I guessing by a lack of response that I am reading too much into this.

It's all very confusing when you are in the midst of it.

I found more anecdotal evidence leaning toward an OM. After the initial panic, I've realized it is possible, but far from factual.

[Tread]

Sounds as if she just got mad at having to repeat herself. More of an issue on her part than yours. Just keep doing what you been doing. She initiated the R talk for a reason.

[RR17]

So as she moves closer should I ignore? Right now as I type she has sat on the sofa much closer to my chair, when she usually sits in a chair further away.

The book says monitor and adjust and this board says move along. This is where I get confused.

[25yearsmlc]

So as she moves closer should I ignore? Right now as I type she has sat on the sofa much closer to my chair, when she usually sits in a chair further away.

The book says monitor and adjust and this board says move along. This is where I get confused.

Just caught up.

Monitoring on a daily basis is not going to work well. It will make you nuts. Monitoring is something that requires consistency that cannot be measured in daily interactions. (Other than maybe something that backfires big time).

AND monitoring frequently is the opposite of Detachment, which is a crucial step. Detachment is a two fold goal - it's for helping the marital relationship improve as you gain back your self self confidence apart from your wife's reactions to you,

and it is for your sanity and peace of mind.

Are you doing any GAL? It's not something to overlook.

Hang in there

[Kylo]

The book does say monitor and adjust, but it seems like progress is being made so don't worry about adjustment until the methods don't work. Also "adjust" means adjust the DB principals, and the way I read it, DB isn't concerned about right and wrong, it is just concerned with what works.

I agree that these seem to be positive signs, but it seems kind of early for her to be truly coming out of the tunnel. Also, it is clear she isn't there yet; so what could you really do DB-wise? Nothing that I know of, so don't worry about it.

Be active not re-active. Be active on GAL and kicking butt, which is attractive. She needs to get further along before you change anything. Her signs seem positive and confusing at the same time: but it doesn't change what you should be doing.

[RR17]

Be active not re-active. Be active on GAL and kicking butt, which is attractive. She needs to get further along before you change anything. Her signs seem positive and confusing at the same time: but it doesn't change what you should be doing.

Be active not re-active. So true, yet so hard.
I think the book says the slightest change done consistently will be noticed. I have found this to be the case.

As for GAL, I've always kind of had my own thing. I'm self-employed (good and bad) and have flexibility in my schedule. Read a lot and play golf for fitness several times a week. I have cigar friends that I meet up with, etc.

One change that I have made is, I believe that I had fallen into a habit of complaining. In an effort to gain attention or respect I began b!tching and moaning more. I have stopped this. (Who wouldn't appreciate, right?)

I have re-started IC this next week. She knows as I didn't want it to be a surprise and secret. She can keep the secrets.

I believe the biggest thing that she may have noticed is the difference in my reaction this go-round.

[25yearsmlc]

it's true that small consistent changes are more credible than dramatic gestures.

The 180s are part of the DB approach b/c she thinks she knows you, she believes that you are a known quantity.

If you GAL in something New and different for you, that's of interest. If you repair things she wanted repaired or worked on long ago, that's of interest.

If you are a bit mysterious, that is of interest. After all, what if you waiting around for her were not a given?

What if she risked losing you and the marriage and home you two have built?

Most women I know, including those who had "Flings", did not want to trade in their family lives for an AP - when faced with the choice.

When not faced with having to choose, most went along having their cake.


Food for thought.

[RR17]

I figure half of what I'm doing is working. I think.
If I only knew which half, I could cut out the other half.

Sandi said somewhere else that the LBH usually initially suspects a MLC. As did I 4 years ago. I soon discovered a EA.

This time it is the opposite. 1st suspected A, now IDK but she did just lose a friend, trade the SUV for a mini cooper. And we have D leaving for college. may be MLC. Last time she started working out, not so much this time.

I've definitely increased the mystery. Both in my passive responses as well as my schedule.
I would be more likley to suspect cake eating had I not seen a return of empathy. She asks if I need anything from the store. Something I can't see her faking.
I guess I will continue until something changes.

[RR17]

So it's 4am on Saturday morning and here I am.

We went out for dinner with D14 and all is good. A little too good? IDK

I read these threads and my own post and the responses and I get the feeling that I'm making mistakes. Letting her back in too easy. For the most part, i had discontinued snooping. Minutes ago I was trying to get into her work laptop. She had told me the password last week and now it doesn't seem to work. IDK, could be I'm trying it wrong.

Could be I'm doing DB all wrong.

I'm just not spending thousands on a PI.

As I once again reread Sandi's threads and I am reminded "Resentment, Disrespect, and Rebellion"
And I need to read it all again. "Resentment, Disrespect, and Rebellion" these things all existed and I need to remember that. It's so easy to forget when W's behavior improves. I know they don't just go away.

I need to read it, yet I'm tired of reading all this stuff.

I hate that my feelings, my well-being is so attached to her minute by minute behavior.

I know GAL. It's not so easy when you feel you've had AL all along.
Do 180's, well if I knew what to work on I would. I have eliminated 99% of all complaining. I have maintained an upbeat attitude around her. I've been exploring meditation to ease anxiety.

Other than that I don't know what to do.

[25yearsmlc]

So it's 4am on Saturday morning and here I am.

We went out for dinner with D14 and all is good. A little too good? IDK


Yikes, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Enjoy the moments in life that are enjoyable. Not just for the marriage, but for your d14 and for yourself.

Over analyzing is like internal snooping. And There are negative projections going on here...


I read these threads and my own post and the responses and I get the feeling that I'm making mistakes. Letting her back in too easy. For the most part, i had discontinued snooping. Minutes ago I was trying to get into her work laptop. She had told me the password last week and now it doesn't seem to work. IDK, could be I'm trying it wrong.


Some of this^^ is very contradictory. You say you let her back in too easily, (which you cannot now retract)

then say you discontinued snooping and then you snooped, or tried to. I think you are all over the place and not helping anyone.

Settle down. This is not a sprint; it's a marathon. Let that sink in.

Could be I'm doing DB all wrong.

I'm just not spending thousands on a PI.



Are your finances safe? If so, time will reveal the truth & you don't have to be in a rush to know all.

Unless you believe you cannot possibly stay m if she has had an A of any type,

then hire one and be done with it. I am not passing judgement. I am not suggesting a course of action. I'm just saying you'll make yourself crazy

if there is a deal breaking piece of information out there, that you won't go find.



As I once again reread Sandi's threads and I am reminded "Resentment, Disrespect, and Rebellion"
And I need to read it all again. "Resentment, Disrespect, and Rebellion" these things all existed and I need to remember that. It's so easy to forget when W's behavior improves. I know they don't just go away.

I need to read it, yet I'm tired of reading all this stuff.

Step back then. Reading about this over and over, can paralyze us, and ironically keep us from real GAL and detachment.


I hate that my feelings, my well-being is so attached to her minute by minute behavior.


This^^^ underlying problem permeates all of your choices/behaviors/emotions. Can you talk to an IC about it?

I know GAL. It's not so easy when you feel you've had AL all along.


I think it's easier to GAL for those who have one, than it is for those who never had one. Expand your interests and do NEW things that you have not contemplated before. Clearly, the GAL you have thus far are not getting you anywhere near detachment.

That's not an insult, just an observation.


Do 180's, well if I knew what to work on I would. I have eliminated 99% of all complaining.


Was complaining a symptom of negativity in your outlook? There seems to be a bit of a negative streak in many of your posts. I can't tell if that is reactive or typical.

There are some great TED Talk videos on youtube, about positive psychology and they are empirically based. Not just theories. Sean Achor and Amy Cuddy both have some out there and they are well worth watching.


Also, the 180s are not just doing the opposite of flawed behaviors, but also introducing NEW activities and interests for YOU. It makes you more interestED in the world other than your wife and it makes you more interestING as a partner.

Surely there is a class you once pondered taking, a seminar to attend, a language or instrument you would like to master, a place to visit, a hobby to take up, coaching kids on a team, playing on a team, volunteering somewhere, taking up a sport or activity with your d14, learning a new skill, joining an organization with people - not solo things...


I have maintained an upbeat attitude around her. I've been exploring meditation to ease anxiety.

Other than that I don't know what to do.

There are several free phone apps you can use to meditate and stop the obsessing.

My favorite is "Insight Timer", and another called "Pacifica", "10% happier" and "Calm".

I listen to insight timer every night at bed time and sometimes in the morning at 4am if I wake up with anxious emotions. They are all Pretty darn fast acting.

Great introduction to meditation, which I had never done before.

Good luck