Attaining MEH

[T384]

So I changed all the locks except the front door because of him coming home.


My attorney said I can change the locks but he can change them right back... my dad is concerned if I change them and then I'm out of town this weekend he will change them while I'm gone. I asked my attorney worst case scenario and her answer was worst case he can stay living there until we get to our emergency hearing which is in 30 days and she said even then the judge can allow him to stay in the home.

[woundedfool]

First, I am sorry that the situation has come to this. I can see you are in a tough spot. But I think you are losing sight of a lot of the DB principles.

He accepted service of the petition so H won't be served at work nor is he surprised. Just another frustrating aspect of more crap going his way.

Very true, he has probably been preparing for some time behind the scenes. However... DB it:

Act as if!

I didn't get any word from him. He came home as normal. Acting like nothing.

And if he did come home, to pick a fight? You didn't react either way. Good work!

I honestly didn't think he would come here.

Why would you think that?

I haven't let on that I'm frustrated but my blood is boiling inside. I want to ask him to leave. I need him out of the house. I am losing my mind.

Good that you are steadfast with not letting on about your frustration. My unsolicited advice would be to just kill him with kindness. If you want him out, that will do the trick

He came to soccer practice the other night and he never shows up there so he's putting on his dad of the year [censored]. Then he holds the baby the whole time when he never holds the baby at home. He's held the baby more since Sunday than he has since he was born.

How is this a bad thing?

Not a safe situation

T0 Did I miss something? I don't recall there any issues with your H and abuse/violence?

no reason for him to be there.

Sorry, devils advocate here: no reason, other then he is 1/2 owner?

[25yearsmlc]

IMO, getting him out of the house is not being punitive, it's a safety issue, as well as a mental health issue. Your h does not have to have a violent past for tension to exist and increase.

T3, you have the most important people in your life under the same roof with someone who is in an adversarial position.

Divorce does not bring out the best in us. There's a baby who needs more attention at this stage, and you and the baby sleep odd hours. 3 kids in your kids' age groups is draining under the best of circumstances.

But Lest we forget,

he's been setting up the "he's too poor" scenario, buying things for himself without disclosing the purchases, and doing the public image management

(*Wounded Fool, I don't think T3 minds his paying attention to the baby, I think she minds the hypocrisy, b/c he never does that anywhere else )

T3, you could leave with the 3 kids if need be. But It is easier for him to leave, than you and 3 kids. AND for God's sake, He has been planning to leave the home, anyhow.


While the judge could say "well, legally sure he can stay," most judges prefer some distance. And many will ask the lawyers about a plan to avoid you all being in each other's faces.

Regardless, whatever ends up happening, it will be temporary.

Hang in there

((( )))

[T384]

Hi Wounded - exactly what 25 said about the comment with the baby. He doesn't help at home at all. In fact after he was parading around soccer when practice was over and it was time to go home he didn't come 'home' he didn't walk in the door until 1030. So he doesn't do the real work of being a parent he just puts on this facade in front of everyone. No help with dinner, showers, homework, lunches, feeding the baby or even just holding him so I could do everything, etc.

I've been acting AS IF. Nothing seems to phase him. Hell he hasn't acknowledged I filed for D or anything of the sort.


He sent my parents and me a text yesterday saying hi it's H, this is my new number.

I replied : Hey! Thanks for the info. I already had the number. I have a lot more, too, as I'm sure you can imagine. I'm ready to have that talk you suggested Sunday and discuss you moving out again. Tonight good?

H: talking to my lawyer this afternoon have to make sure he's okay with it first.

Me: okay great! Let me know

H: sounds good.

He then offered to pick up our son from soccer. He's starting his paper trail. First of all he's gone to more practices in the last 2 weeks the. He has in all the years of soccer and prior to taking to his attorney he never communicated if he was going to offer to pick him up for me.

I just said thanks for the offer but the boys have the same ride they've always had.

He got home, I was cooking and happy said hello. I made him a plate. He offered to take the baby so I could eat. I politely declined (I had to feed the baby) he told me to go sit down and he would finish making lunches. I thanked him and left the room. He told me S9 was upset he wasn't starting this weekend and that coach said his head wasn't in the game. I took that opportunity (for the FIRST time through all of this) to say well you know why right? He's really worried, stressed and upset about everything that's going on. His coach had a talk with me this week that he can see everything affecting him. I said S9 cried to my dad and I the other night about how worried he is that's why he stayed with my dad the other night because we both had a talk with him. H said 'I know' and I continued walking down the hallway and didn't say another word about it.

He also didn't bring up my request to talk so I didn't go there. Not sure if I should bring this up again soon because I want it clear I want him out even thought I can't FORCE him out.

I also let H know our account was overdrawn fromchim not making the full house payment. He said he would take care of it today.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm going away for the weekend with the boys for their soccer tournament and I booked us a nice hotel where all our friends are staying. I felt the boys needed something to take their mind off of everything.

[woundedfool]

Let me start by saying: I GET IT All of a sudden he is attempting to "show" change (not consistent, meaningful change... just potentially a show).

But:

He doesn't help at home at all.

He then offered to pick up our son from soccer.

I just said thanks for the offer but the boys have the same ride they've always had.

He offered to take the baby so I could eat. I politely declined (I had to feed the baby) he told me to go sit down and he would finish making lunches.

IMhO, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Let him participate, and help.

If its not consistent or becomes passe' that is on him. But to deny even the opportunity... its on you.

When I said back to DB basics...

I've been acting AS IF. Nothing seems to phase him. Hell he hasn't acknowledged I filed for D or anything of the sort.

Its not supposed to phase him where you see it. Its supposed to hit internally.

[Maybell]

I wish I could get your H in a dark corner and kick him. But I think I'd be competing for that pleasure with a lot of people.

You do need to stop worrying if you're impacting him, but that is a process. Just work towards it. You are about to go through a process (the divorce) that is going to hurt much more than all the cr@p that's come before. Use it to fuel you. Whatever BS he pulls, whether it's the show of the perfect father or what not, just use the frustration from it to push you forward. It really does get better. And he will lose patience with trying to put on the act and revert back to his real self.

If you're worried about the effectiveness of his impression management... you've already had friends tell him that they can see through it. It's going to be a case of too little too late. You're worrying about that is just a symptom of how much credibility you're still giving his claims for why he pulled all this on you. He has no excuse. He just is looking for one and has decided to blame-shift his cr@p onto you. YOU DON'T SUCK AT ALL. He does.

FWIW, several years ago I had a friend going through a lot of what you're going through. She had four little kids and her ex, who had never done much of anything, pulled the old 50/50 custody thing on her. She reached out to people who had known her through her life and asked us to write letters describing what we'd known of her and him as parents. She got MANY letters of support, and yep, she kept her kids. What he's trying to do now is known as TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE. Because a guy who walks out on his newborn child has a handicap in the "good father" department that can't be overcome by carrying the baby around at a soccer game. People are likely looking at him thinking, "He must not see much of his newborn otherwise since he's taking FB pics with hoes."

You will be fine. Just relax into the roller coaster and have a strategy that will help you quit giving him so much space in your head.

I do agree that if he offers to help, you should take him up on it. You aren't going to get a lot in the future. Take it while it lasts, so you've got the energy to do what you need to do. Even if it's bitter going down, you'll be able to know you took the high road and didn't try to alienate him from the children. (I get it, I don't think my ex should get to have a good relationship with the children after how he hurt them, but that kind of thinking only makes their and my lives harder in the long run.)

Keep being mighty, T!!!

[Treasur]

Can I join the kicking queue too?

[OwnIt]

T,

Don't guilt him with the kids. I did that for a long, long time. He doesn't care. If he did, you wouldn't need to guilt him. Let him do the paper trail. He needs to spend time with the boys and you will need breaks from doing so. He will not be able to keep it up.

Let the lawyers hash out the details. In the end it will be less emotionally devastating and likely go smoother.

[25yearsmlc]

T3

if your h goes for and somehow gets 50% custody, I'd smirk and smh.

He wont' use it up, he'd be late, or a no show with a last minute excuse, which YOU will document in your paper trail.

And that^^ is IF he got half custody.

If a miracle happens and he really does get half custody AND if another miracle happens and he uses the time with the kids and acts like a dad, that would not be a nightmare.

But for now it's so far down the road, I would not give it any headspace. Truly.

[Treasur]

Eyes on the best from a bad situation prize, T. You're doing well. Fakeman will keep faking. We say Phoeey and Pshaw.