A familiar story with questions. II

[RR17]

Thanks, 25year,

I'm not sure if I back slide or BDed myself. I summarized the text conversation but basically told her I had reached my tipping point and I was filing. I know that based on the beyond LRT, I have to be willing to follow through.

Right now we haven't spoken for almost 48 hours. She knows I am pissed and is silent but civil.

I went to IC today to work on emotional dependency and have a controlled place to discuss this crap.

GAL is a stumper for me. I have too much life going on already. I just find reasons to not be around.

I have taken a hard look at improving myself and am prepared to figure out where I need to put in the work.

Thanks for your reply. I feel I may have run so posters off here. Oh well, it messy business.

[Treasur]

I'm sorry, RRI7, that you're in this messy business. Everyone has their tipping point and the mess and confusion can feel overwhelming sometimes can't it?

Glad you have an IC and some place to vent and think out loud (other than here!)

The idea of BDing ourselves is funny...I bet you were more logical than a lot of WAS! But it's quite common I think to get to the point where all you want is the chaos and pain to stop, and LBS becomes WAS.

At the same time - and this may not be how you feel or think at all - it's ok to change your mind or find a different approach. Feelings can be very powerful and the need to escape. Give yourself time. Do what you think you must but don't feel you have to be pushed by the sitch to run at things. You get to choose for yourself what to do, and a D is not an easy process with a spouse behaving like this.

Thinking of you x

[RR17]

Thank you Treasur,

I feel in control for a change and that is a much better feeling. Detaching and all that important stuff is a much easier task from this position, at least for me.
When she would respond in kind to the release of pressure, I would see change and it made it very confusing.

I'm in no hurry to do anything and no immediate plans to do anything other than keep my space.

[RR17]

Some struggling thoughts.

Although the silent treatment in going on 72 hrs. now, I am reflecting on some conflicting techniques here on this board.

Become the best you. A Lighthouse etc.
yet don't dash around cleaning like a gay boyfriend.
Keep conversations short, answer and don't expand.
Don't serve her coffee like your old self used to.

So as to not be misunderstood, I am challenging my understanding, not the methods.

I write this as I sit on my patio looking at her dying flowers that I was once told not to water. But, like a M if you don't water them they both eventually die.

[Treasur]

I'm sorry, RR17. This is a tough hard place to be, isn't it?

I think one of the confusing balances of DB is something 25 posted somewhere else. Life has just smacked you in the chops. You can choose to use it as fuel to become your best happiest self. That might save your M or maybe not, but it will definitely save you either way. The alternative is to focus just on your W/M and that's a gamble. I think we all struggle with seeing how DBing for us is different than DBing for our M, especially at the early stages.

[RR17]

I understand what you are saying. Work on your self and either way you are better off.
Also, it keeps you from pursuing.

[RR17]

So this morning early. I get up to make coffee and go walk 9 holes. During the night the dog with a diarrhea mix left a nice surprise in the hall outside the kitchen.
I contemplated cleaning it up, as I have done in the past, or leave it for the W.
Well, school has started and she came down to make 14D lunch.

We have not spoken in 72hrs.

She sees it and I stated that the dog must be sick. Without as much as a grumble, she went to get a glove and dustpan to clean it up. This is way outside of her usual MO. I offered a suggestion on how to tackle the chore and she capitulated. Wow, not a peep.

I went up and dressed for golf and didn't return until she had left for work.

Not reading too much into this, but she may be demonstrating her new independent ways. IDK

[sandi2]

Some struggling thoughts.

I am reflecting on some conflicting techniques here on this board.

Become the best you. A Lighthouse etc.
yet don't dash around cleaning like a gay boyfriend.
Keep conversations short, answer and don't expand.
Don't serve her coffee like your old self used to.

So as to not be misunderstood, I am challenging my understanding, not the methods.

Why do you think it's contradictive?

[RR17]

Sandi,

Some of the detaching/180 rules seem to make me a worse H.

Maybe that's the point. Autonomy

Should I have cleaned up the poop or give her a taste of what it will be like if I'm gone?

[Holding]

Should I have cleaned up the poop or give her a taste of what it will be like if I'm gone?

You know, a couple of weeks ago our dog crapped all over the living room. It really stunk. This is normally something I clean up. I mean, I ALWAYS cleaned up the poop! Instead, I covered it with some old towels and left it, then I went to work. W apparently left it alone and went to work. So the kids (who are old enough to stay at home alone) had to sit in the house and smell it all day.

It was still there when I got home from work. I went out and met a friend. When I got back from that later in the evening, W had finally cleaned it up. That gave me some satisfaction.

She will get the dogs after D is final. So I figure I was totally justified in showing her what life will be like when she doesn't have a H around to do stuff for her.