A familiar story with questions. II

[RR17]

Now I understand how some Ws may use this as an elaborate cover-up, but it is not her MO.

what is her MO? So, What do you think She wants from you as a husband?

By MO I mean her way of handling getting caught doing something she is not supposed to be doing. She would deny and dismiss. That is her MO.

What do I think She wants from me as a husband? I have no idea. That would require either mind reading or perusing.
I will say we were friend before lovers and I think going Dark, if for only a few days, she felt a sense of losing me as a friend. She saw that we would not be buddies if not married. Yes, this is a theory.

[RR17]

Even when she proposed the S, she said we would have weekly dinner and dates and blah blah blah. But no sex. lol

But when I went dark, she realized that once gone, I might really be gone.

[RR17]

Sandi said in her Reflections thread:

It is the attitude or state of mind he has to have, when dealing with a WW situation. I don't mean he necessarily runs out and files for a D. However, he should not be afraid to do it. I would suggest that before he filed, that he separate from her, to show her he means business. Even if he just left to go somewhere else for a few days, she won't know what he's planning to do........which is good, she needs to worry. Every single WW that I have seen come and go on this board has said that it took her seeing that her H was done with her, before she woke up. She has to believe she could lose him. When he dropped her, instead of clinging to her and pleading that she won't leave. That's when it hits her. As long as he is clinging to her, she knows she has him and isn't losing him.

This is what I believe happened last week.

[sandi2]

Yes I have seen very positive results since dumping her this week. Followed by Going Dark, so to speak.

Well, I am thoroughly confused. Do you call yourself "dumping her", or not?

Confession: I tried to initiate sex twice this weekend. Both over text to avoid confrontation. She said no she "couldn't"

I just assumed that by dumping her you would not be trying to bed her! Seriously, how can you expect her to get the message she is losing you when you try to to initiate sex twice in one weekend? Wow, talk about pursuing! Do you understand what a woman means when she responds to her H sexual advances by saying, "I just can't"?

We spent the better part of the day together and ate alone without kids.

Sorry, but if you want to appear as if you are dumping her, then this is not a picture of a guy who is dumping his wayward W.

Last night we had a heart felt R talk and by that I mean I listened and validated. I also told her that she had been self-centered, defiant, rebellious.

She said she had been under a lot and cried. I encouraged her to let it all go. I comforted her. This was probably why I got laid this morning.

Is getting laid all you think about? And, I'm not trying to be funny! Was that your goal, just to get laid? Needless to say, it doesn't work very well when you are dumping her.

Never use sex as your way of temp checking your WW. In fact, don't temp check her at all. That is you pursuing or being manipulative. Deciding how she responds to you initiating sex does not give you an honest evaluation. Many a W has had sex when she could have not cared less.........or had an ulterior motive.

So that leaves this week. I am prepared to slip back into cold going dark if this is moving too fast. I am not so desperate for things to be fixed that I skip doing it the right way

What's the point, if you're just going to initiate sex in a few days? Seriously, you either act as if you are dumping her.......or else forget it. Just one more time of repeating this past weekend, and you might as well throw down your cards.

This past weekend confirmed to your WW that you are still very much interested in keeping her. If you don't want to act as if you are dumping her, then just tell me and I won't waste time talking about it. To me, it sounds as if you are still searching for a magic bullet........and there isn't one. You have to decide what you are going to do, and be consistent. Understand?

Btw, you don't have to do this, just b/c I suggested it.

[Tread]

RR17,

I agree with Sandi stop asking for sex. It will blow up in your face and will be used against you the day she won't have sex with you. W will tell you that your just mad at her, because she won't have sex with you.

[RR17]

Okay, time for a recap:

Monday-I exploded in a series of text that I was tired of all of this. I was filing and it was going to be ugly. That any recent A would be exposed and hidden money found. Essentially dumping her. She was surprised and shaken. I then went Dark.
Tuesday-Left before she awoke and returned at bedtime. No text, no nothing
Wednesday-Same, gone, a ghost except for sleeping in the same bed. Not a word.
Thursday-same, a ghost, except for right at bedtime when there were no words.
Friday-was the dog poop scenario. She was up early and 1st words since Mon morning. Later she asked about dinner and had a new attitude.
Saturday-morning I'm up early and I texted about sex. The whole "I can't/won't conversation was had. New W throughout the day. She expressed that she didn't think we were even friends during the last week.

Sunday-she moved closer and sex. We had the whole R conversation where she told how she had been under a lot lately (D18 leaving for college, a friend from work leaving, ex H of long time friend dying) and I listened and validated. A visual breakdown and with that, the timing seemed right and I calmly told her all the shaming and labeling stuff. She listened and appeared to contemplate. No denial or retaliation. Again, not a typical reaction.

Last night before sleep, I asked her if she had a good weekend. She said, "yes,....how about you?"
I replied, "I did, but I wondered if I had lowered my defenses too soon." No reply.
My purpose was to keep my options open.

I believe that after our little talk that she thinks we are back on some right track or just the threat is gone. IDK.

So initiating sex was after four days of Dark. No that wasn't my intention for easing up. I really felt she was shaken and I noticed a real change. Not the usual, let me shove my feeling down and play a part again, change.

Sunday I told her that for now, I wasn't initiating any D, but the minute that I saw any signs of any kind of A, it was on. (does this count as a boundary?) I defined cheating as any secret friends or hidden conversations etc. She vehemently denies any OM.

This past weekend confirmed to your WW that you are still very much interested in keeping her. If you don't want to act as if you are dumping her, then just tell me and I won't waste time talking about it. To me, it sounds as if you are still searching for a magic bullet........and there isn't one. You have to decide what you are going to do, and be consistent. Understand?

True and that is the reason for my question about letting her in too soon. I really think I got her attention and I think she believed the seriousness. I was serious.

I want to set the record straight and lay down some terms if this is the beginning of a new situation. I want to do it right.

[sandi2]

Monday-I exploded in a series of text that I was tired of all of this. I was filing and it was going to be ugly. That any recent A would be exposed and hidden money found. Essentially dumping her. She was surprised and shaken. I then went Dark.

You threatened her, of course she was shaken. You go all week without speaking, and then you text her about having sex. Not sure how you see that as going dark......or dumping her.

Last night before sleep, I asked her if she had a good weekend. She said, "yes,....how about you?"
I replied, "I did, but I wondered if I had lowered my defenses too soon." No reply.

Actually, it looks as if you are shooting yourself in the foot. You said you wanted to keep your options open. What does that mean, and how is it connected to what you said to her?

I don't see anything from her that indicates she is wanting back in the M. You are making statements to her that you should not be saying.

I want to set the record straight and lay down some terms if this is the beginning of a new situation. I want to do it right.

I think you are reading too much into last weekend. I suggest that you don't say anymore right now. Before you start laying down terms..........you have to recognize what truly is a new beginning.

[RR17]

You threatened her, of course she was shaken. You go all week without speaking, and then you text her about having sex. Not sure how you see that as going dark......or dumping her. confused

Well, it didn't happen just like that. The ice was broken over the dog mess. We ate and spent Saturday shopping. Then I texted about sex.
As for the threat or dump or BD or whatever label seems appropriate, shaken is not her typical response. Angry or shut down is her MO. NC is not my typical reaction either.

I don't see anything from her that indicates she is wanting back in the M. You are making statements to her that you should not be saying.

She is a sweet new wife now. Ever since Friday and her talk on Sat. about how she had been going through a lot etc., she acts as if nothing ever happened.

I don't want her to glaze over this past month's developments and write it off like it was no big deal. This is what she appears to have planned.

I think you are reading too much into last weekend. I suggest that you don't say anymore right now. Before you start laying down terms..........you have to recognize what truly is a new beginning.

Except for reading too much into last weekend, I agree. I know when my W is changing even if I don't communicate it well, here. She felt a potential loss. Was it enough? IDK
All I know is I'm not ready to glaze over this month's events.

[25yearsmlc]

just wanted to pipe in that I did Not mean for you to pursue your w for intimacy at all.

My comment about texting her for intimacy - was not to suggest asking her in person or over the phone at this time; it was not to pursue it at all for now

IMO< generally, unless there is mutual flirting (happening in a healthy r) texting about it to me

comes from a position wherein the asker won't take the risk of rejection in person, which is not a position of confidence.

Sorry if that wasn't clear.

I support pretty much everything Sandi is saying.

The only caveat is that "dumping" your wife is not to be done rudely or in a curt manner. Nothing like that.

It's about you knowing You are going to be fine because

you have become a man only a fool would leave.

Make sense?

[25yearsmlc]

the time it takes to make authentic changes is much more than a week or 4 days.
Even if you think "it worked" it's such a short time.


HER time to process HER feelings and whether she believes you really are behaving in a new genuine healthier way,

is also going to take more time.

Like Sandi said, there is no magic bullet or sentence with the right words said in the correct order, that will solve all this.

(Believe me, I looked & experimented with the best wording, for over a year. I'm a L and am a bit of a wordsmith. And if I were in the Supreme Court, I'd have won. But I could not reach my h...).

Also, saying things to her like you regret taking her back or letting her back in too soon (which is not dumping her) is not productive or necessary.

To me it sounds indecisive and potentially even punitive.

Sorry if I read this wrong - and I may have, but it sounds to me as if you are (maybe subconsciously?)

using sex as a tool. If she refuses or doesn't feel close enough to you,

are you tempted to threaten her with filing - under the guise of an OM vibe?

I'm asking.