Going through divorce #4

[lcause]

PS

I am not defending the affair. I'm just reminding you of the options you have, and changes you have said you want to make, but which you resist mightily.

Change is not easy but your life as it is now, doesn't sound like a picnic either.

You have choice here. You can change your life & steer your ship, or be a passenger the rest of the way...
It is up to you.

((( ))

I am implementing some of the changes already and I've noticed big impact. I don't ruminate as often as I used to. Baby steps, they say.

I am talking daily with my friend who is the most active person I know. He's giving me solid tips how I could network with people in IT sector as he knows a lot of people in there.

Thanks 25 for wishing me well and ((( ))) back

[25yearsmlc]

LCause.

You wrote:


I didn't mean it this way. I appreciated it, of course. -Or my instinct. I talked as an outsider, forcing my views how I would see other women. It's ADORABLE, but not particularly ATTRACTIVE. Of course I was attracted to my own wife!

Well I guess I still hear you saying pregnant women are not attractive to you, but you were attracted to your wife. Not sure we need to belabor the point but my gut says your wife knew this. With the changes that occur in childbirth, we are at our most vulnerable.
Saying you are speaking "as an outsider" means you believe pregnant women are not attractive to other men.

I'm just saying that my 5 brothers and h would disagree.

Relationships have parts where people drift more apart and back closer. A lot of stuff just happened at the same time.

What do you mean all affairs aren't alike?

I mean one night stands or drunken encounters are not the same as a weekend fling

and they are not the same as affairs in which 1 or both feel "in love"

and not the same as long term affairs requiring long term deceit

and not the same as living a double life long term

and not the same as affairs that come out in the open, which are really not seen as affairs but as new "relationships". None of them are right, but they are not conducted in or stemming from the same causes, and for sure they have different paths.

Make sense?

Maybe. Maybe he was but it still grinds my gears. But if you see it like this, maybe I have more self-reflect to do.

I'm not defending the OM. You don't have to "like" him!! I get it. I don't "like" the OW my h sees, I just try not to spend much time pondering her. She's not the reason I filed for divorce anyhow (I didn't know h was seeing anyone when I filed).

SOMEDAY You MAY have to accept him as a stepdad and IF that happens, it's important to remember that your preference is a guy who isn't a jerk to your kids. He's never going to be their dad; you are always their dad.

You will not be replaced. But yeah, IF the time comes and they interact a lot, as hard as it seems, it really is better for the kids if he's decent to them.



Maybe I've been focusing on wrong things and she found the true happiness. Maybe he is a good guy and I can relax.

Well you describe yourself as a pessimist and that this was an issue in your m. Probably safe to say you spend too much time with negatives...but you are changing that so that's great!

You need NOT think about your w's "true happiness." It's not something we "find" it's something we create ourselves.

Why not shift the focus you have from HER "true happiness" and create yours? That would be a great 180.

As for GAL with other IT people, I see the value of that for your job hunt. For sure.

Still, I don't think you really understand GAL itself. It's not about networking for your job, it's about stretching yourself, widening your horizons and broadening your interests. Trying things you don't know for sure that you will like. Self discovery is part of real GAL>

That helps distract you and creates fulfillment and that helps you Detach.

Detaching is fundamental to your personal progress AND to your "true happiness."

[lcause]

Yes, I see GALing differently than you do.

For me GALing is to pursue things I know I want to achieve but feel like I can't. I'm not going to start doing things I know I don't like because I'd end up eventually feeling worse (when is this going to end... I just want to get back to doing things I prefer, trust me this has happened). I don't think the point is to force yourself to do things you haven't done but to do the things you like on a higher intensity, on an intensity you feel is not achievable or is impossible. On a level you have not (yet) achieved. For me, this is finding a career, advancing in it, finding people who share the same views (aka are good friends), coming up with projects I like to build and accomplish in making them etc. There is no point in going to a pottery or cooking class for me because I don't particularly enjoy that. I know it. This is also what makes us attractive - having a clear passion and pursuing it while having fun doing it.

Ultimately, the best GAL is to follow your passion and accomplish it. Do what you felt like you always wanted but a family or your spouse prevented you from getting it.

The fundamental question is not how we define GAL, it is HOW do we GET there.

[doodler]

I had several sessions with a DB coach and he said GAL should be something that really excites you and gets your blood flowing. It should be the sort of thing you want to tell other people about. Your excitement and enjoyment of whatever your GAL activities happen to be should be infectious; the kind of excitement that can rub-off on other people.

You know when athletes, writers and artists talk about being "in the zone"? That's a wonderful place to be; time is transcended and you're fully immersed in the activity at hand. You're not worrying about bills or your marriage and you're totally in the present. Most of us have been there at one time or another and that's what you should be shooting for with your GAL activities.

I sort-of fell into my main GAL activity; I started doing home improvements and I enjoyed the artistic side of it so much that I kept on going. Not only was I "in the zone," I was also increase the value of my house. Every time someone passed by my house they would tell me how much they liked the changes; that was a huge motivator. It was lots of work and lots of fun and it kept me from ruminating about the things I couldn't control.

[25yearsmlc]

lcause

Do whatever - I support you actually doing whatever GAL is. You have mostly spoken of a number of things that you are planning to do or thinking about doing...

Plus I think you said your w complained about you spending too much time on the computer. (Hence my suggestion to broaden your horizons and maybe not do something that is a solo activity.)

That's where I'm coming from. Most of my GAL consisted of things I had wanted to do

but lacked the time. However I did a few totally new things I had not thought of, b/c a friend asked me to or b/c I spontaneously chose to. And some things I did to spend time with my kids, like coaching or volunteering one afternoon a week at their schools.
I have No regrets.

Anyhow, good luck and keep at it.

[lcause]

Doodler - thanks. That is how I define GAL. It has to be something you really enjoy doing. I'm all up for trying different things BUT sometimes the preconception is strong enough to not do it.

25 - don't get me wrong please!!! Your help is invaluable for me. Know this. Know that you have helped a stranger who lives thousands of miles away from you. I really appreciate it.

I WANT to find activities that aren't just solo only. Trust me on this. But I would like these to be something I could possibly do for the rest of my life and really enjoy going in them. I am trying really hard on coming up with ideas. Don't think for a second I enjoy my life currently.

The biggest issue for me has always been the fact that I'm a wrong type of a "perfectionist". It's hard for me to start anything because I can't do it perfectly immediately. This is the thing I struggle with in everything, in job seeking to even the things I'd like to do! I can't complete the projects because I spend too much time planning and redoing after I come up with a better way. I need to get over this to find the purpose for my life.

For example I know I'm pretty smart and in IT I could easily accomplish a lot... But I just don't start because I feel that my solution might not work or that it isn't the most optimal! I struggle in getting Elon Musk mentality - never give up. It's like I'm trying to get into Olympics without being first in smaller series.

I KNOW my XW is not coming back. I have already accepted this. It's not pessimism anymore. I wasn't happy in the M either. I was a bad husband. There is nothing for her to get back to.

[lcause]

When I met my wife, I felt the most happy in my life until D was born. I completed 1/3rd of uni in one year with almost highest grades in courses. I was so full of happiness. I wasn't ready to be a dad at the age of 24. I should have seeked for help. Obviously D is everything to me now... I wouldn't trade her for anything. I am so saddened 6 years of my life has gone to waste because my mind was limiting me. In the end I lost what was supposed to be the most important for me. This was the karma, the ultimate self fulfilling prophecy.

I could have achieved so much more if I understood the things earlier. I know I need to live in the present and forget the past. It just haunts me what I caused. Although, ultimately I am happy if my XW found the happiness now she was after. I could have been a better choice if I saw it earlier. It is too late now but I still have some time to rebuild my life and be a part of someone else's happiness. Possibly. I still have my beautiful kids and I can walk with them in their journey.

[lcause]

One thing I struggle with: people are guiding Mark to not be something his wife can count on, yet I'm supposed to be nice and theoretically just what people are guiding Mark NOT to be?

Is my sitch somehow different? Shouldn't I also be showing something she is losing? Or am I just interpreting his sitch or mindset incorrectly?

I can notice that when I start answering one word answers, my wife starts to write much more

Also: I am pretty sure my issue I described in earlier post is due to messed up reward system. I feel like I don't get a reward from accomplishing stuff. This is most likely due to dopamine receptors but my doctor doesn't want to give Rx for dopamine related A/Ds.

[SwHubby]

Hi LC,

It feels good to see that you are trying to grow and that it seems you are feeling better. It is also shown in your posts.

I think you might be overthinking alot and going from past, to future, stop in the present for a stort while, then moving on again back and forth. I think it is important to reflect but maybe not everything at once. Especially with all these feelings running around inside you. You might also draw conclusions from a sitch where you do not have all the information and views. I think it is great you started to meditate, it will probably help you with that. I am trying to meditate but find it hard to keep the routine steady. Soon I will get there. ;-)

I do not remember if you are in IC. If so, just continue. It is hard to talk to family and friends. First, they are not trained to help you find your own thoughts but are more or less giving you their own. Also, I feel at times that I am tiring them.

With all this talk about your wife's happiness. Yes, it might be the case that she is really happy now and that OM is going to be a great stepfather. It might also be the case that it is a short romance that will end as soon as reality kicks in for both of them. This could take a while.
But - you do not KNOW anything about what W feels and thinks, no matter how much you think you know her after your years together. And you do not know anything about OM either. Anyway, you have to wait and see it played out.

About 25, I think she is trying to make you broaden your horizon a little bit. Yes, there might be a lot of stuff that you do not like. But it could be because you feel uncomfortable doing it, and that you might like it when you get into it. You could try out a few things which includes other ppl. Even if you do not like it, you might meet someone that you could try out something else with. Just keep looking after stuff that seem funny.
I am thinking about cooking class as an example. I never became great at cooking before I met W, and she loved to cook. So I became her "sous chef" in the kitchen, choping stuff. But I know nothing about flavours, spices and I am not comfortable cooking dishes that are not really easy and that I have done a few times already. But I would like to became better. Even if it is not he most funnits thing in the world, I think that I would find it rewarding.

Good luck LC!

[lcause]

Thanks Sw. It's nice if I have sounded like I would feel better, I certainly do think so myself. Post written by LH19 (probably loosely citing Accuray; in another thread) made me realize that most of these feelings are really the fact that I'm not in control - it most likely isn't love. That helps me feel better. But at the same time, her having a new R this quickly is like putting a knife into my heart.

I realize that 25 is just giving examples. It is a huge mental block for me though. You can think it of as like saying "don't eat as much" for someone who is overweight or "don't feel bad" for someone who is depressed. I WOULD LOVE to make new friends. I just feel that I don't have the tools or find the places. It feels so awkward to try to talk to strangers in the sense of getting them as friends unless they share the same values or interests. E.g. in uni or in work.

Yeah. I know I have to wait it out to see how it plays out. But frankly put, if it is a short term romance, I hope by then I'm not interested anymore. To be completely honest, I don't think I could piece this like I've stated already. It just currently feels like I would want a revenge - but that's due to the anger and it'll pass.