A familiar story with questions. II

[RR17]

25yearsmlc
All the pursuing was my own doing. I know what you are saying about texting to avoid rejection. If you knew me better you would know that I do not avoid rejection. The dynamic is some R are different than others and when I did so I felt it was the "best practice". It allows her to think before responding and not experience the pressure of a face to face rejection, in the even that she didn't want to.

I support most everything that Sandis says. Sometimes I don't think I communicate the sitch in a way that she understands either the turn of events or the nuances of a conversation. My fault. It seems so clear when I write it but is sometimes misunderstood.

As for the "man only a fool would leave." I don't understand.
We all often don't see the forest for the trees. At least not before it's too late,

Perhaps I need to have this man described to me?


I do struggle separating this from "the H only a fool would leave"


Personally, I am prepared for whatever may come. I would like to fix this R, but if there turns out to be OM or she is just unwilling. I will survive. I always do.

[RR17]

the time it takes to make authentic changes is much more than a week or 4 days.
Even if you think "it worked" it's such a short time.


HER time to process HER feelings and whether she believes you really are behaving in a new genuine healthier way,

is also going to take more time.

Like Sandi said, there is no magic bullet or sentence with the right words said in the correct order, that will solve all this.

(Believe me, I looked & experimented with the best wording, for over a year. I'm a L and am a bit of a wordsmith. And if I were in the Supreme Court, I'd have won. But I could not reach my h...).

Also, saying things to her like you regret taking her back or letting her back in too soon (which is not dumping her) is not productive or necessary.

To me it sounds indecisive and potentially even punitive.

Sorry if I read this wrong - and I may have, but it sounds to me as if you are (maybe subconsciously?)

using sex as a tool. If she refuses or doesn't feel close enough to you,

are you tempted to threaten her with filing - under the guise of an OM vibe?

I'm asking.

Only I never said "... things to her like you regret taking her back or letting her back in too soon (which is not dumping her) is not productive or necessary."

I said I may have let my guard down too soon.

All this talk about a silver bullet...where does it come from? I don't remember saying it.
Shoot, I just try stuff and see if it works. Just like it says in the book.

When I see a dramatic change, I bring it here and bounce it off you folks. I never expected any quick fix.

As for using sex as a tool? Call it what you will. A thermometer or whatever, I'm not sure where you got this idea that that would determine my next move.

Either I am doing a terrible job of explaining my actions or I am a real piece of crap.

[sandi2]

The only caveat is that "dumping" your wife is not to be done rudely or in a curt manner. Nothing like that.

I completely agree.

All this talk about a silver bullet...where does it come from? I don't remember saying it.
Shoot, I just try stuff and see if it works. Just like it says in the book.

It comes from years of observation. It doesn't take long to see a LBH trying, whatever he picks up from the board, to snap his W out of her fog. I understand that the reason you are here is to save your M. I understand you are anxious to try anything, if it works in bringing your W back from insanity. Now, something else usually goes along with the H trying various things. He doesn't give it sufficient time........and it either complicates the sitch worse......or he shoots himself in the foot and basically scr@ws up something that could have really worked well in saving his M.

I know a newcomer has a ton of information coming at him. Many newcomers get confused about some of the terms, such as "detach, GAL, boundaries, 180's, go dark, drop the rope", etc. The most common thing I see in newcomer H is that he doesn't take sufficient time in really studying some of these thing. Even the page Cadet sends with his initial post is often skipped over. IMHO, newcomers need to just absorb the information, before they jump into something with both feet........b/c chances are, they don't quite understand it completely. I'll use an example that many newcomers do: setting a boundary before they even understand the principle. We've seen people back themselves into a corner and not know how to get out of it. See what I mean?

So, back to you. I saw you using words like distant/pursuit, going dark, dumping, experiencing potential loss, etc. If I understand correctly, this was all within a seven day period? And now, you are saying you have a new, sweet wife. You say you know her best, (and of course, you do). I am trying to figure out where you are in your sitch. I would like to help, and I would like to be able to protect you from an inevitable let down.

I said I may have let my guard down too soon.

I think most everything you said to her over that week (starting with your threat, and ending with the above quote), was to get a reaction from her. This is another pitfall for many newcomers. Sometimes it can be effective, but other times it can go against you. Take the quote above, for instance. It sounds controlling, IMHO, and I think you wanted to see how she would react. Would she assure you that you had nothing to worry about, or would she cry and plead with you, would she beg for your forgiveness? Well, she did not say any of those things.........so now, you are left a little in the dark.

When I see a dramatic change, I bring it here and bounce it off you folks. I never expected any quick fix.

Okay, that's good to bring it here, b/c we can tell you what it means..........if we are familiar with seeing the same scenario played out in other sitches.

Either I am doing a terrible job of explaining my actions or I am a real piece of crap.

No, you are not a POC. I, too, feel that I often do a terrible job of communication. I speak very candidly........and with quite a bit of passion........and some people read it as me being harsh. What bothers me the most, however, is for someone to misunderstand what I'm trying to explain. So with that in mind..........maybe we can take a deep breath and start from here and go forward. Please ask questions if you do not thoroughly understand something from me, b/c my fingers can't type as fast as my thoughts......so I could leave out details.

So, you have seen a "dramatic change" in your W, and you feel it is due to the things that were said last weekend. Is that correct? This is where I will start with my next post. I want you to be prepared, in case she pulls back. Don't react to it.

[RR17]

So, back to you. I saw you using words like distant/pursuit, going dark, dumping, experiencing potential loss, etc. If I understand correctly, this was all within a seven day period? And now, you are saying you have a new, sweet wife. You say you know her best, (and of course, you do). I am trying to figure out where you are in your sitch. I would like to help, and I would like to be able to protect you from an inevitable let down.

Yes within a 7 day period.
I do understand that expecting lasting results is not a quick process. Like I said before. I try stuff and I report the results. If the results happen quickly that is beyond my control.
I too am trying to figure out where I/we are in my sitch. I won't pretend to know. I only share what I see and given my history (20+ years) with this person, what my perceptions are.
I do appreciate your help, Sandi.

I think most everything you said to her over that week (starting with your threat, and ending with the above quote), was to get a reaction from her. This is another pitfall for many newcomers. Sometimes it can be effective, but other times it can go against you. Take the quote above, for instance. It sounds controlling, IMHO, and I think you wanted to see how she would react. Would she assure you that you had nothing to worry about, or would she cry and plead with you, would she beg for your forgiveness? Well, she did not say any of those things.........so now, you are left a little in the dark.

Not true. The threat and all that came after was from a place of anger and was not intended to manipulate. I realize it was a side effect.
As for the quote, well, my wife doesn't ever plead with me, would she beg for your forgiveness? Not going to happen. Never would expect that.
I said it because I did feel she was glazing over the last month's events and that I did, in fact, feel I had lowered my defenses.

....I, too, feel that I often do a terrible job of communication. I speak very candidly........and with quite a bit of passion........and some people read it as me being harsh. What bothers me the most, however, is for someone to misunderstand what I'm trying to explain. So with that in mind..........maybe we can take a deep breath and start from here and go forward. Please ask questions if you do not thoroughly understand something from me, b/c my fingers can't type as fast as my thoughts......so I could leave out details.

I've heard the same thing all my life. People also come to me when they want truthful advice.

[RR17]

Okay, now that we got that all out..

So, you have seen a "dramatic change" in your W, and you feel it is due to the things that were said last weekend. Is that correct? This is where I will start with my next post. I want you to be prepared, in case she pulls back. Don't react to it.

Okay, I will not react. I think that she was jolted or whatever when I went dark. IDK if this past weekend was her making sure that I am not done or what. Or if she has explained her way through the last month's behavior. Perhaps there was some OM and she has decided to change direction and believes she can just pick up where she left off with me.
She has maintained this new attitude into today.

If she pulls back I will continue to GAL and not react. Sound good?

[sandi2]

So, how have things gone the past few days?

[RR17]

Same sweet new wifey for a week now.
I have not pursued. I've kept some distance and done my own things. Kept my stories short, validated hers.
In fact, she told me some story today and when I started talking she started to turn away. I stopped her and told her. She said, oh, sorry. No defensiveness.

Personally, I am trying to live in the moment. The whole thing seems suspicious and I often wonder when it will end. I plan to avoid the next fight or confrontation. Easier said than done.

I would like to know what is really going on in her head and heart.

For now, I will maintain.

[RR17]

I am ready for some transparency.
I honestly believe she intends to just pretend like nothing ever happened. Yet I am not to start any R talk.

[25yearsmlc]

stay steady on the course. Don't expect her to bring it up anytime soon

either b/c she does not feel safe with you (and doesn't want this thrown in her face every time there is a fight or to have it held over her head the rest of her life OR b/c she doesn't want to discuss it endlessly)

AND OR because she doesn't want to be transparent or do the work, yet. And she may never want to, but that's for a later time (unless you become the WAS, which is not uncommon.)

But this is such a short time period of relative stability, why not build on that and THEN worry about the rest?

I'm not saying to sweep it under the rug AT ALL.

I'm just saying not to rock the boat for now so she can see what m to you can be like in a new m, so she can want it to work.

Your expectations are - to me - too high too soon.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

after an affair, the surprising things I have seen are 1) when a LBSer becomes the WAS

or 2) when the WAS returns but then decides that the LBS will never let go of their transgression or let them live it down (you might be surprised how common it is for spouses to throw the As in the spouse's face b/c the LBS did not really forgive it)

and then the WAS leaves again, for good.

You have to navigate this carefully.

Your wife wanted a divorce only one month ago, right? And this whole thing is less than 90 days long?

Here's the thing. If you do not believe YOU can get past this ever, then end it now.

Dig deep to decide this^^ and go for it. I would pass no judgement on that choice.

But if you are really interested in riding this out - then you need to prepare for a much longer time period for resolution and restoration. Riding it out takes longer than you expect.

A lot longer.


Hang in there