But I can say me and my W have been married for 2 years.
Welcome aboard, Chris. How long were you engaged? Did you live together before getting M?
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During last holiday season we/her decided to take a 3 month separation to find herself
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Yeah.........it's NEVER to find themselves! That's just a smoke screen.
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She got involved in an emotional affair with a OM
And there ^^^^^^^^^^ is the true reason for her 3 month separation. However, the EA started way before she moved out. If you learned that the EA was actually a PA, would that be a deal breaker for you?
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She moved back in after the holiday season and I tried to change my behavior to show her I actually wanted us to work. Things from her end seemed to stay the same. She
Why did she move back home? Did she give any explanation for the affair? Did she apologize, show regret? Was it over?
Following her return, you said she seemed disenchanted and uninterested in the MR. Would you say she acted depressed toward everything in her life........or was it just the relationship?
Sorry for so many questions, but the answers will really help me to have a better picture. Did you and your W have sex when she came back?
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She has moved out, and since she dropped the bomb, we have spoke twice and saw each other twice (the last time we spoke was 8/16). I am doing dark...but I cannot stand not saying anything to her. How long do I need to wait to reach out or wait for her too?
She is the one who left. She is the one who wants to take it to the next level. She needs to be the one to reach out. Yes......you can stand not saying anything. Since there are no children involved, you are a prime candidate for Going Dark.
I know this must be terrible for you. I think it's going to get worse, so buckle up. Start by reading the links Cadet gave you in his first post. They are information you will need. Next, get your calendar out and start planning things to do that will get you out of the house. Do enjoyable things you haven't done since being M. Get together with your guy friends. Invite just the guys to your house for a BBQ, poker, whatever. You need to be around people who love and appreciate you. Stay away from places she might be. Don't watch her activity on FB, etc. Don't engage with her friends. Be very leery of any of her friends wanting to talk about the R with you. Don't trust her, her family, or her friends right now. I'll explain more later.
Look, I'd bet a month's paycheck that her brief return home and second departure was all planned. In other words, Chris, she had a hidden agenda.
Btw, where did she stay during the separation? Has she gone back to the same place?
How should you respond to her text about divorce? Just tell her that you will respect her wishes. Here's the thing, Chris. The more you try to persuade her to not file for a D, the more she'll become aggressive. If you want to put her off, you can tell her you need to think about it. Then go talk to a lawyer to see what you need to do (but don't tell your W). Do what is necessary to protect your finances, etc.
Has she had a problem being faithful in the past?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We lived together for about 3 years before getting engaged for 18months.
No it would not be a deal breaker for the PA. She has never truely apologized for the EA/possiblePA.
She moved back in because we had kinda agreed for. 3 month time away. Yes: she seemed more depressed about everything. She rented an apartment for the 3 month separation.
When she came back we wanted a house so bad. So we went house hunting bc it was a fun Saturday activity. We have been renting for like 5 years. We found a house we both loved. She purchased it with her own money. So she lives there now. I am not financial responsibile for it. Plus; she would never go after money. We have both expressed this and comterary to most beliefs. I do believe she would never ruin me or anything like that.
Ok so I said my piece...validated and told her I would support her decision. This is what I got back...
"haven't heard from you so I assumed that meant you were ok to move forward "
I'm don't want to resort to telling her I want us back together (and become my old self). r. How do I proceeed.
Ok, so I responded to her with a...
"I can see why you would think/say that; I am just thinking everything through".
Last edited by Cadet; 08/31/1701:45 AM. Reason: Combine posts
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Chris follow the advice here. It will be hard but best for your sitch. When in doubt, do nothing. Bring it here.
Good luck, you are in good hands.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I would just say that the general advice around here is that if she wants to file you can't stop her but you can agree to not particiapte in it and wait to see if she actually does.
"haven't heard from you so I assumed that meant you were ok to move forward "
I may have missed something but why does she need your blessing to proceed?
I may have missed something but why does she need your blessing to proceed?
I do not know why she 'needs' my blessing. It might be because the last time we were together; i had started the 180 (becoming more bubbly and confident) and we went through the finances to change all the cable/utilities/rent in my name because she moved out. So maybe she took my sign of 'up-beat-ness' as that I am doing OK and wanted the D.
After texting yesterday "I see why you would think that; I am just thinking everything through" She responded with "OK I understand".
I am so confused on how to proceed. I want to tell her I want to work on our marriage, but is this the time? Do I still have to wait for her to say that first?
Right now she is slightly pursuing you, think of this as trying to feed a squirrel. You hold out your hand with food and wait for her to come to you, any sudden movements will scare her away.
I can only offer you what I told you in my previous post about what to say when a D is requeted.
I do not think a D is the answer to our marital problems however if that is what you wand due to the love and respect I have for you I will se you free.
Then sit back and see what she does with it. IF you don't want a D and she does then make her do all the work to make it happen.
Like Sandi said ultimately you can't stop her if that is what is ultimately wants.
If it's any consequence my W told me she wanted a D but has still not filed. You can see my timeline below.
Not that it will slow her down, but have you asked her what is the problem? I don't think she will be honest, but it seems only right that you should be given a reason for why she wants out.
Whatever she gives as her excuse, don't argue with her.
You may feel panic right now. There is life after D. You will make it. Does your family live near to you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
