In my above explanation I try to articulate what she thought the problem was. She explains she does not feel like we 'grew' together as one. More or less we just became best friends/roomates and not a strong married couple. We did not develop ourselves. We had an extreme lack of intimacy.
I have something else too. It is our first nieces birthday Saturday (of labor day - Sept 2); and even though she has already told her family thru text that we are splitting up; her family is super close to me. They did invite me to the party, and my W has told me in the past she would not care if I came because we are such a close family. Also her dad passed on Sept 1 so it will be a super emotional weekend for her. I am not sure if I should attend the party or not.
I am having a hard time figuring out how to proceed...this is difficult.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
In my above explanation I try to articulate what she thought the problem was. She explains she does not feel like we 'grew' together as one. More or less we just became best friends/roomates and not a strong married couple. We did not develop ourselves. We had an extreme lack of intimacy.
So is there any truth to this from your point of view?
Yes. I do agree with her. I blame myself for becoming such a codependent (low self esteem, people pleaser, dysfunctional communication). I became somewhat of a shell of myself; lost my voice. She is a very strong Type A. Once I realized this, after the separation, i attempted to adapt to my old self. However, she was at the point where her boundaries were already up, b/c I have hurt her in the past so much for not changing.
What if she just gets fed up with my silence, or asks me what I want; or gets mad that I am just not talking to her. This 180/LRT is confusing me at times.
Cadet; I am not sure, but I had posted a few comments during the past 24 hours. I understand this forum is monitored; however can you tell me if those posts were deleted, or did not make the cut?
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Cadet; I am not sure, but I had posted a few comments during the past 24 hours. I understand this forum is monitored; however can you tell me if those posts were deleted, or did not make the cut?
Well after she stated "I assumed that meant you were ok to move forward (with the D)"...I simply replied back
"I can see why you would think that; I am just thinking everything through" ...she responded with a "Ok I understand".
By her saying that; does that mean she is still unsure the D is the right thing? I am confused by this. Also, is my silence going to backfire. If she starts to get upset about my silence; will I just validate her feelings and tell her again I am thinking things through?
Right now I am trying to understand my total failures as a husband and list ways I can 180 them. But in order for her to see these changes, we will have to see each other (she currently lives out of the house). Do we only meet up if she offers the idea?
We have our first nieces bday party LaborDay weekend; and I was invited. Her family knows about us because she texted them saying we were splitting up. We have had the discussion of seeing each others families; because we are so close; she even mentioned she would not care if I came to the bday party. I do not know what the best move is here. My initial thoughts are to decline the invitation showing my 180 confidence, GAL, and self-dependence come through. I have been invited to go to a lake house with the boys; so I think I will do that. But do I tell her this is why I am not going? Or do I tell her I am not going (if she asks) because I do not think it will be best for me?
One other wrench...her dad who passed away years ago is also laborday weekend and is, every year a hard day for her. Do I stay in town for the bday party just to be there for her; or do I send her a text on the dads passing day? This is all new to me and confusing; because we have always been so close; its difficult to decipher between being detached but loving and supportive at the same time!
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Chris, sorry but I'm starting to fall behind on some of the sitches here, are you saying that she is asking you if it's OK to proceed with D? If so then tell her NO it is NOT what you want. DBing is not to interfere with the process if the WAS chooses to proceed, but it's also not helping the process along. If she asks you for info then provide it, but don't do any of the "heavy lifting" yourself. So if she is asking you if YOU want divorce, then tell her you don't. "W, I understand you want this. I do not want a D, I would like to work on the M to see it we can resolve our issues. But if you feel D is the only course of action then I will not interfere." Something like that.
In my above explanation I try to articulate what she thought the problem was. She explains she does not feel like we 'grew' together as one. More or less we just became best friends/roomates and not a strong married couple. We did not develop ourselves. We had an extreme lack of intimacy.
The board has seen this scenario many times. Sometimes a couple becomes so burdened down with responsibilities of life that they are too exhausted to give the MR the proper nourishment it needs. Other times, the lack of intimacy is caused from a lack of attraction. Women are more complex than men, therefore, it's usually something in the woman that is the root of the couple's lack of intimacy. I won't say it's 100% in every case, but in most cases, it points toward the woman. Men pass it off as the W having a low sex drive..........and that is certainly possible, especially during changes in their hormones. However, when this turns into months.....even years of barely any sex at all, it is usually something hindering the W's feelings toward her H.
It's true we women don't talk in a language H's understand. We often speak in codes, and you guys were never given the code interpretation book. If I had to guess, your W became disenchanted at some point after the honeymoon period. She may have experienced disappointments, or saw her nice easy-going H not taking charge the way she thought a man should handle things. Wives, especially young W's, are guilty of testing their H's. A woman needs her H to be stronger than she is. It's something born in us. If we are going to choose a man to give ourselves to, have father our children, trust him to lead and protect our family........he had better be a heck of lot stronger than we are.
We know we are emotional creatures, and we want someone stronger than we are........to trust, draw strength, lean on them for support, thrive on their adoration and love........and someone who will not be a doormat and take cr@p from us. Therefore, we will test him.
We women need to feel "in love" with our H. Those in-love feelings are tied to the respect we feel toward our H. If the respect begins to slip.......so will our sexual attraction for our H. Here's the problem. Women will take unresolved issues and push down into their hearts. It turns into deep resentment. Imagine years of resentment packed down in a person's heart and how it would affect the MR.
Along with resentments come disrespect. At first, it's not that noticeable, but it becomes moreso as time marches on. Little remarks she makes, or negative attitude, facial expressions or body posturing that lets you know she is not completely on board. Well, this all affects her attraction and desire for you. Men can absolutely kill the attraction by being passive and leaving the decision making up to the W. She is designed in such a way that she has to respect her H as a man, in order to desire him.
You say you were great friends. That's fine, but it doesn't build desire in her. She can be friends with anyone. She can have many friendships. However, when a couple has a friend relationship instead of a lover relationship.........the attraction goes out the window and the M is in danger. She is designed to be in love with one man. If she doesn't feel in love with her H, she will not be happy in her M.
I suspect you have taken the back seat for a long time in your MR. You are a nice guy and think that by giving her the reigns in the MR she'll be happy. Her wants has come first, and you tell yourself that's the way it is in M. When she shows little signs of disrespect, you tell yourself it's no big deal.......and you suck it up and keep your mouth close. In the meantime, she is not interested in being intimate with you. Why? B/c you put up with her bad treatment, and you continue being her "friend" in spite of how she treats you. The attraction she needs to feel for you is gone. That's the bad news. The good news is that it's possible to get it back.
Does any of this ring any bells with you?
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I have something else too. It is our first nieces birthday Saturday (of labor day - Sept 2); and even though she has already told her family thru text that we are splitting up; her family is super close to me. They did invite me to the party, and my W has told me in the past she would not care if I came because we are such a close family. Also her dad passed on Sept 1 so it will be a super emotional weekend for her. I am not sure if I should attend the party or not.
I don't think you should attend the party. These are her family members.......not yours. No matter how close you feel to her family, they are her blood. They will always be her blood. Although they will be gracious toward you, I think it causes a certain awkward uncomfortable feeling for everyone. You can send a gift, and thank her parents.......but have other plans. This is part of the package when a couple separates/divorces.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
