I have a couple if question to regarding the "Replay" stage that I'd like to know your thoughts on.
1) In your opinion do you think the replay stage starts when the "emotional bomb" hits or when when your partner stops intermacy or sexual contact with you or even before that?
2) Some people say that the MLCer can stay in the replay stage, does this mean they never come out of this stage and they continue their antics for the rest of their living days?
Anger, denial, replay, depression and withdrawal are not in a linear pattern, they can bounce back and forth until their issues are resolved. Depression is the main ingredient of the MLC. Replay, in my opinion, can begin, in some instances, at the bomb drop. Some exhibit replay signs long before they drop the bomb and others are very slow in entering the replay stage. Some will work through the issues and others won't. Some will remain in MLC for the rest of their lives...but no one knows which ones that will happen to.
Please tell us more about yourself and your situation. We can then provide you w/answers that may help you more so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to the MLC Forum! I'm sorry that you are here, but you will get some great advice, suggestions and support here.
I'm going to paste in Cadet's Welcome Message because it has a lot of homework for you to read. But, first, to answer your question about the weight gain...yes, they can gain a lot of weight or lose it. They will look terrible for a time and may even be ill often...this is caused by the depression and in some cases, the weight gain is from drinking and/or eating a lot of fast food or junk food.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You will continue to post on this one until you've reached 100 postings/replies and then you start a new one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think with hindsight my H's replay started about 6-9 months before - new car, EA, new job.
Don't know. I think it's possible for folks to get stuck for a very long time. My H has been in replay for coming up to 2-3 years now and seeing a psychiatrist for almost 2 years (because he was diagnosed with severe depression)
Why do you ask?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Please provide us w/more info about your situation so that we can better address your questions. You are on moderation at the moment and I will request your release from moderation when you have posted more about your situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It all first stared around 18 months ago, well this is when I first started to notice the change in my wife's behaviour.
I am 47 & my wife is just coming up to 42, we have been together for 19 years and married for 15 of them and have two teenage son. We and had a fantastic marriage in every way possible, we were close, intimate, best friend, did stuff together with and without the kids, sex was good and more importantly we were best friends. Well so I thought but obviously I was WRONG!!
Around 5-6 months after she hit 40 I notices a gradual change towards me, the kids, he home and so on, you see my wife loved our family bubble & our home even to the OCD extent of keeping it clean & tidy. She started going out with her friends more frequently to watch live rock bands, this is when she first told me she'd "slightly lost feelings for me". At this time I also remember her looking out of the kitchen window at her M&D's place and said out of the blue "Not sure this is the life I want!!", we have a annexe at the end of our garden for her M&D, they stay there approx 30 weeks a year as they travel a lot. I thought this was a weird thing to say & thought she meant looking after her M&D when they got old!
She then started going out more frequently, every Friday & Saturday nights and then this started to include Tuesday nights, so three times a week and some occasional festivals!! I have never stopped her going out and doing her own thing but did start to be extremely concerned this wasn't normal.
For the next 6 months I know she tried to fight her dwindling feelings for me by making our sex lives more intense and trying new things but tbh there was nothing wrong with our sex lives as we always used to discuss if we were both ok with things or if either of us wanted to try new or different things! but what she never tired to do was stop going out and reconnect with me, this going out thing was, still is like her heroin. I even remember her saying to me "sorry! but I have tried" my response being "how did you do that when you didn't stop going out at all!!"
Well as you can probably guess, this just went from worse to bad as she pulled away sexually, physically, mentally and in every way possible, even to the degree where she wouldn't go out with me AT ALL, not even to the bloody shops!!
She dropped the bomb in May of this year, she has maintained all through this that I have been a fantastic husband and father but she said, like they all do, she loves me but isn't in love with me!! this statement drives me absolutely nuts, what a bullshit comment, how can anyone actually distinguish that feeling?? they either love you or don't!!! And that is the line she is sticking to till this very day, she never slags me off to any of her friends or family!
We have now separated and have been living apart for 2 months, at first she was still incredibly angry with me getting the brunt of it, so I started to play ball and be nice to her but I don't call her or visit the house or put pressure on her in anyway, she calls me about the kids stuff but that's about all. One strange thing is during the last year she pulled away from the kids, both her sisters and her M&D but over the last few weeks she has started to reconnect with them all and seems a lot calmer but obviously hasn't connected at all with ME & from what I have read this doesn't fit the common profile.
I know this is a midlife crisis as over the past 18 months she has said things like "I want to go out with a bang!" "I want to let my light shine" what ever that [censored] means? totally changed her appearance, clothes wise, met new fiends, "I've done everything for everybody else" all my life and so on!!
So to be honest I'm have been in a told mess but am looking after myself and rebuilding a new life.
Sorry if its all a bit jumbled, but as you can probably tell writing isn't my strong point but any help or advise would sure be appreciated.
No real way to know here on the journey the MLCer is Is she continues to connect with her family that is good and you can see
Usually MLC takes a long time 2-7 years and some never come out some get caught up in addiction and I think that keeps them in crises longer because until they are drug/alcohol free no real healing can happen usually they need IC and if she is not in counseling and seriously working on herself, I would tend to think she can't really connect anywhere
Good to keep an eye on her while you move forward rebuilding like you said
we may never get resolution with them or it may take longer than most of us can wait- take care of yourself and your boys we are here to guide you through our experience with our MLC spouse-
Hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
