My Journey with a WAS (Part 3)

[Maika]

This is just absurd. I have already told her a few times now the following things:

1. I am willing to work on the MR when she wants to.
2. We can go to MC, but I need her to go to IC first.
3. I do not want the S, but I will respect her decision.

It's like she doesn't remember any of this. I don't get it. I feel like a broken record now.

Maybe she is in her own fog, and doesn't want to blame herself for the situation, so she is projecting?

My W does that to. She projects and deflects like a champ.

Yeah I don't know. It's hard to tell. So far she hasn't said anything about how she contributed to the breakdown of the MR. She's speculated, but not told me anything with any degree of self awareness. I am really not trying to mind read. I feel like I need to repeat all of those things again, which is ridiculous.

I don't get it.

She initiated the S. I said I didn't want it. She steamrolled the sale of the house, found a new place. Now I am the one who has to reach out? Seems like she's treating herself like she's the victim still and I am the bad guy.

Like, what do I have to do to get through her head that I have always wanted to work on the MR and now I am respecting what the S stands for - space and time.

[Maika]

This is just absurd. I have already told her a few times now the following things:

1. I am willing to work on the MR when she wants to.
2. We can go to MC, but I need her to go to IC first.
3. I do not want the S, but I will respect her decision.

It's like she doesn't remember any of this. I don't get it. I feel like a broken record now.

Why do you think she doesn't remember?

It seems clear that the two of you don't agree on a course of action, but that doesn't mean she doesn't remember what you said.

I agree sharing your feelings is a good 180, but these specific feelings might not have been the best ones to start with.

I wouldn't respond to this text at all, because the situation is spiraling down. Her response seems perfectly valid. But it does put you in the position of having to reach out if you want contact.

I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation right now.

If I don't reach out, she will think (and that's from her own words) that I am actively keeping her at arm's length and not interested.

If I reach out, then it will be pursuing, which doesn't help me either.

So, I don't know what to do.

[Rose888]

What did you think was going to happen when you turned down the invitation and asked her to respect your wishes?

[Maika]

I said to respect my feelings for this particular type of situation - doing family activities, not in general to everything.

I expected her to say "okay, I understand." Not take it to a different dimension.

Even if I hadn't said the 'painful' part in my text and just declined the invitation, she could've responded with that text as me declining would still be an indication of not wanting contact with her.

Sorry, I am not trying to be defensive. Just frustrated.

[Treasur]

Why not keep it simple, and assume the best of her/the sitch? It could be that you're both walking on eggshells a bit?

She responds: "Okay. When you want to talk to me, I'm here. Until then, I won't ask. I'll assume you want to keep me at arms length, which is fine. But I'm here, but I won't reach out."

You could say something like "Thank you for being understanding. I understood that you needed some time and space and I want to respect that because it's important to you. If you feel that you're ready to talk, I'd be happy to. "

[leahsue]

I wouldn't answer the text at all. I don't think it can go upward from here so I'd let it go. I know it feels like you're confirming her whole "you don't care" attitude, but I think that's the part of you that wants to be able to keep this conversation going with her, and I can't see an upside to that right now. She knows you didn't want the S.

[Maika]

I feel like everything I do nor not do backfires.

I just want to tell her: "You asked for a separation. That is what I am respecting. What the hell do you want right now? How is having more contact with me and trying to spend family time part of what a separation is about?"

Like, what the hell am I missing here?

She fired me as her H. So, I left the building rather than trying to argue for my job. Now she wants me to come around and hang out at the office - for what?? I was fired.

I am seriously confused and now pissed off. Not at any of you, just at the sitch.

[doodler]

Maika,

In the overall scheme of things you made a little mistake. No harm, no foul. Take a chill and go do something fun.

[Maika]

Yes, I will be doing something to take my mind off this and get over this anger.

I really really just want to text her right now and just be like WTF!

So far, I am pulling myself back, but the more i think about what she wrote, I feel like I am being baited and it's making me even more angry.

[Rose888]

I don't see why you think you are being baited.

Some people use separation as a time to put some space in the relationship while seeing if they can reconnect. Given the issues you talked about in your early posts, and based on your wife's behavior, she seems to be leaning toward that interpretation.

You can disagree with the approach without attributing bad motives to her.

I'm with Doodler. Go do something fun and stop thinking about this.