Lost on how to save my marriage!

[joejoe1]

LiM and holding,

I'm very alpha male, can I pull off what TxHubby did I don't know. I have been the Army for over 16 years. I have been deployed 3 times. I can ignore the heck out of her. I can smile and become happy in front of her face.

LiM,

I agree I had a chance to get things straight once I told her to leave the first time, but I didn't have the info. I wish I did, I wouldn't have not problem letting her walk. Me being amateur at DB, I didn't know what to do in that moment.

My question is, should I even try doing the DBs. I have ziplinning set up for this weekend. Skydiving, two weeks after that, and bungee jumping two weeks after Skydiving. I'm cleaning out my closet tonight of my old clothes and getting a whole new wardrobe. I'm doing landscaping around the house.

Holding,

I know I haven't tried everything. That's why I'm asking questions. I want you'll opinion on a logical next step. I have a very strategic mind. If you all think it's better to go hard at DBing I will try that first before I put her and my children out. I love having my boys around. Since I'm in the Army for the first time in my life, I have gotten a chance to be around my sons while they are a baby. I have one year old, and I get to hold him everyday.

LiM,

I understanding the DB strategies are for me. Not for her. I hope my comments didn't come off that way, they probably did. I'm ok with the fact that we might not be together.

[TxHubby]

I have not really DB yet. I wanted to give it a full try before I say you have to go. I wanted to GAL really hard, do 180s and detach while she was in our home. Do you all think that could work or will that approach be fruitless. I saw TxHubby did all that first and then dropped the D papers. So his wife got to see his transformation before he took the big step. I would like her see a full transformation and confuse the hell out of her and then if things didn't change, I drop the D papers or we need space apart talk. I also think I should be really comfortable before jumping to that step but I would like advice on what you all think.

My cheating wife was in no hurry to leave and I was going to show her with actions that my life was going to be awesome with or without her. You can't fake it or half ass it. It's going to be the biggest challenge of your life but what it will do is guarantee you a no-lose scenario. She either comes around and is the wife you deserve or you move on with your great new life. When you really know in your heart 100% that you're going to succeed either way then you'll give off that vibe and more times than not, they'll respond.

[LiM]

Yes, DB!
Detach, 180, GAL, drop the rope. Do everything. You do this whether your W is in the house or not. If your W is in an active A, you should be doing the Last Resort Technique. There are MANY DB's that will go soft on their WS and try to nice them out of it. I'm of the opinion that doesn't work. I think with a WW, you have to be very firm. You draw a line in the sand and you make it clear "This line will NOT be crossed." Only you can decide what that line is and the consequences for crossing it.

Please note that being "firm" does NOT mean being cruel, hateful, vengeful or anything like that. It just means that you have enough respect for yourself that you will not allow yourself to be walked over.

If you haven't already, make sure you read ALL of Sandi's threads
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1

[Holding]

Holding,

I know I haven't tried everything. That's why I'm asking questions. I want you'll opinion on a logical next step. I have a very strategic mind. If you all think it's better to go hard at DBing I will try that first before I put her and my children out. I love having my boys around. Since I'm in the Army for the first time in my life, I have gotten a chance to be around my sons while they are a baby. I have one year old, and I get to hold him everyday.

My first thought is you tell her to move out. But you mention seeing your sons, so I am frankly concerned that your W might take them all with her and you wouldn't be able to see them. Is that the case?

Also, LiM is right that you should GAL regardless.

[joejoe1]

Holding,

She want takr my kids from me. She will allow me to see them.

[joejoe1]

TXHubby,

I understand. I know a 100% I will succeed either way.

[TxHubby]

My WW didn't leave so I basically ghosted her in the house. Gave her a front row seat to my great new life. I think that did more for me than anything else. I literally didn't concern myself with her comings and goings in the least. My only advice if you're going to do what I did, however, is that you really have to go all-in. No faking your great new life. No sitting around lamenting your situation. That feeds a cheater's ego and makes you look weak and pathetic. They won't love you or respect you, they'll pity you and think less of you. You know, like I did to her when I got my groove back.

[joejoe1]

Yesterday,

Yesterday I got home got a trash bag went in my closet and threw all my old clothes in it to make room for my new wardrobe and immediately changed and went outside to start landscaping. I finished the front yard, Yeaaaaaaay!

The W was painting downstairs, when I arrived. It looks nice.

I was outside for about 3 hours. I went back inside and help put my boys to bed.

After they went to bed, she did something that was unusual. She complained about the guy that's helping with the landscaping. I told her we were starting the backyard next and she said, Why? I was like huh. She said she don't like his personality. This guy is helping me do a $10,000 job for free, well all he wants is cases of Coors light for his help. I didn't no what to make of that comment. I just shrugged it off and went upstairs.

I'm on my 3rd of DBing. I'm being patient.

[sandi2]

So after I got back home after Church, we went on a drive to Home Depot together and got down to the meat. She hits me with "she's confuse and this is hard". She owe it to herself to see if the OM is meant to be. But its hard because I'm a provider and he's a risk. WTF.

She also said she don't want to move out until she gets on her feet. (No time frame for that). She keeps saying she dont know. Shes confuse. She confusing everyone else with her confusion.

What would be your typical response, whenever she would make statements along these lines? (Not so much about OM....but extremely selfish). In the past, were you just expected to fall in line? And, forget what you want or how her preferences could affect the family?

I'm going to share something with you about WW's, and you need to use this as a measuring unit whenever you are confused by something she says/does. The WW sees all the planets revolving around her.......or at least, they should. Everything....and I do mean EVERYTHING is about her. Her brain is warped! She does not think rationally. Her H is no more than a tool to provide whatever she may need at the moment. She uses him.......and she uses anyone else available. In every situation she approaches, she looks to see how she will benefit from it. Selfishness is her motivator. The sooner you get these cold, hard facts down.......the sooner you will stop having WTF moments. At least, perhaps they won't completely blindside you.

Here's the current problem. She is in charge. You handed the reigns over to her, and now you are waiting for direction from her. Which way will she pull on the reigns? That's what TxHubby experienced, until he got fed up and decided he was not a horse, and he took the reigns away from her. Now his message is, "I'm going this way......you can go with me.....I don't care.......but I am still going this way". See, he is not trying to boss her around. She is free to make her own choices. He's letting her know his choice, and he no longer quietly falls into the path behind her, letting her yank on the reigns. He has taken back the reigns and is in charge of his life.

I bet you were stunned at the audacity of your W. You will see more of it. It's called entitlement. If you or your in-laws catered to your W, then she is going to behave like a spoiled brat. If she has carried your b@lls around in her purse for some time.......then you are going to be challenged, b/c once women get b@lls.......they don't want to surrender them. So, you want to know where to begin? My suggestion is to start with getting your b@lls back.

Here's another problem I have seen in newcomer H's. They want to know how they can do this, that, and another.........and still show the W he cares. He wants to show how much he loves her. He doesn't want her thinking he wants a D. Well, hold on, b/c this may feel like ice water being thrown on you. Your current objective is not to show how loving you can be. It's not to prove what an excellent H and father you want to be. It's not the time to convince her you don't want a D. Okay.........you still with me? This is the time to find your b@lls and start using them. You are a man who has 4 sons. Your first responsibility is to protect and provide for them......I think everyone will agree. The next one is teaching these little guys how to be a man. Not a hen pecked, yes dear, scared to upset W wimp. (And don't get me wrong......I am not saying you are any of these. This is for whomever may read this post). And btw, don't misunderstand and think you are suppose fight it out with their mom in front of your children. You want your sons to be respectful toward women......and just as equally important, not to cow down to a woman. Make sense? It's okay to feel afraid........just don't show the WW that you fear her.

Dam, I was a soul less person towards women before I met my wife she help bring it back. Now I have to balance being heartless while still caring. She has never seen me in that capacity, but I what has to happen. I'm starting slow.

What do you mean by "soulless toward women"?

I believe I know what you mean in the rest of the above quote. I don't really see it as a balancing act between heartless and caring. Although, I often tell posters to find balance when applying a new DB technique, etc......b/c some tend to become a little unbalanced in their thinking and/or approach.

If you know your standard of values, spiritual beliefs, moral codes and integrity by which you live your life......and are raising your sons within that same realm..........then does that not basically give you direction? Having a solid foundation in our life is critical, b/c we will face trying times.......and we had better know where we stand and why. What will we tolerate? What will we NOT tolerate......and what will we do if it is pushed/forced upon us? That is what every individual has to decide.

Currently, your W is wayward. She wants to do things that go against the vows that were made when you were united in marriage. She will twist words around, but she is basically wanting to engage in adultery.......while keeping all her benefits from the M with you. But listen, she is not in love with this OM. If he dropped her today, she'd quickly find OM#2, b/c the other guy isn't the real problem. Her wayward mindset is the real issue, and as a long as she maintains the WW mentality, she will bounce from man to man, or act like Girls Gone Wild. She find whatever it takes to justify her actions. She operates out of her area of emotions. Therefore, her H had better be a man who operates from what he knows to be right and true. How does he decide what is the right thing to do? He refers to his integrity, his standards, values, etc. His emotions should not be the dictator his actions. Someone has to keep a sane mind.......and it's not the WW.

Is this situation completely hopeless? No, not if you won't waste time in deciding what you will do. I don't mean you should jump into something you don't understand, but take a self evaluation to determine the true relationship dynamics in the MR over the past years. Who was in charge? Whose word was final? Who would apologize first? Who catered more to the feelings of the other spouse, who did the most chores, who did the most in tending to the daily needs of the kids (making school lunches, cooking, ironing, homework, baths, activities, etc)? Which spouse would be considered domineering?

Decide how you can protect yourself. Think about what type of behavior inflicted on you will not be tolerated, and what to do if it's pushed on you. If you are not familiar with boundaries, be sure to read the link. And, you may want to research about waywardness, nice guy stuff, examples of setting personal boundaries, signs of disrespect displayed by the W, etc. Check to see where you stand legally. Don't tell your W about anything discusses on the board.

Oh btw, you don't have to write out answers for all these questions. It's just to give you an idea of how to get started with a plan.

The two of you have a M license that says you are legally bound together. However, she does not have a license to treat you like sh't.

[Holding]

Amazing post, Sandi!

JoeJoe, heed these words!