Here's the current problem. She is in charge. You handed the reigns over to her, and now you are waiting for direction from her. Which way will she pull on the reigns? That's what TxHubby experienced, until he got fed up and decided he was not a horse, and he took the reigns away from her. Now his message is, "I'm going this way......you can go with me.....I don't care.......but I am still going this way". See, he is not trying to boss her around. She is free to make her own choices. He's letting her know his choice, and he no longer quietly falls into the path behind her, letting her yank on the reigns. He has taken back the reigns and is in charge of his life.
I bet you were stunned at the audacity of your W. You will see more of it. It's called entitlement. If you or your in-laws catered to your W, then she is going to behave like a spoiled brat. If she has carried your b@lls around in her purse for some time.......then you are going to be challenged, b/c once women get b@lls.......they don't want to surrender them. So, you want to know where to begin? My suggestion is to start with getting your b@lls back.
Sandi2,
I understand and acknowledge all. What am I to do? You wrote out what her problem is. What can I do to reestablish respect?
Do I tell her to move out?
Or Do I DB, GAL and 180 the hell out of this situation.
I haven't been contacting her. I don't initiate conversations, I don't ask questions.
Or those things only to help me get better or are they to help gain respect as well? Awaiting your advice.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
My wife did all the housework and took care of the boys. My 180s are cleaning up and helping to take care of the boys. I know taking care of the boys is a must. Do I continue to clean the house? I was very distant in the house and with my family, now I'm playing and doing things with my boys more and contributing around the house more.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I know taking care of the boys is a must. Do I continue to clean the house? I was very distant in the house and with my family, now I'm playing and doing things with my boys more and contributing around the house more.
Is she doing this because you didn't clean the house?
C'mon Joe! I know this sounds hyper masculine, but you need to become Alpha male not to be trifled with.
Get your GAL on, detach, look/smell good, don't give a d@mn what she does.
Taking care of your children and spending more time with them is definitely good. That's a good 180.
Not all 180s are made the same. If you want to do the dishes, put on some Metallica and a bandana while doing it - look bada$$ if that 180 is important to you.
Had the following text exchange with my WW a week and a half ago:
WW: I just want to be happy Me: Do you justify hurting me multiple times with “I just want to be happy” Because that’s what it seems like you’re saying WW: I guess call me selfish if you want. I'm not thinking of hurting you… I just want to live a good life WW: And I don't need to be labeled as someone who was awful
That exchange with my WW pretty much confirms that WW's are motivated by selfishness...Not that Sandi ever needs confirmation on her advice
JoeJoe1 - I don't swing by here often mostly only watching old friends on the forum here but Joseph's response caught my eye.
Keep in mind that as opposed to the "me" that I was a year and a half ago when I first got here I'm a lot more cynical than I was then. This sort of thing can do that to you.
Forgive me also for the fact that I've not read back on your situation as well so I might get this completely wrong.
You are looking at the wrong issue. Your W isn't going to suddenly "wake up" and realize that she now has a pool boy and a nanny and think you are wonderful and that she'll pick you over the other guy.
Just like when you are in an airplane and the oxygen masks drop down out of the ceiling, you need to save yourself first. So - let me ask you a question. Are you happy with the man you see in the mirror? Do you respect him? Do you admire him? Notice that I didn't ask what your W thought - I asked what you thought. If you're not happy with him, work on changes to make yourself happy with him. You may have to get through this on your own so you should at least know that you have good company.
A lot of the philosophy here even though it is couched in the "save your marriage" terms are actually "save yourself" messages. If you don't save yourself you'll be no darned good to anyone else.
It will probably be one of the hardest things that you've ever done, but you need to be that best person you can be for yourself and your children. Your W is on her own journey that may well spend a fair bit of time in Fairy Land Crazy Ville. You don't want to go there (my heavens I'm bolding a lot).
So - stop being the house servant - be an equal partner in the marriage knowing that if your W is off playing with the fairies that you'll have to pick up that part of the load too.
Just know that for most of the people who end up in this horrible / wonderful place: - There are no easy answers - There are no quick solutions - There is only hard work
Are you ready to work on the things you can change?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey Joe, you're getting some great advice here. TXHubby's hardline approach isn't one that works for every sitch, but in reading yours I think it is very similar to his and his approach may be appropriate for you. Just a note though, he did not do it as a strategy to get his W back, he was well and truly done, and I think THAT is a huge reason why it worked for him.
I did want to comment on a few things you've said along these lines:
Originally Posted By: joejoe1
She is still being cold towards me, but I'm still doing 180s, by cleaning the house and help to get the kids ready for school. I have been putting a coffee cup on the Kurig once I finish making my coffee. She dosen't seem to take notice to it, but I won't stop. It's a 180 for me.
^^^THAT is very beta behavior and is not going to attract her back. I'm not saying it's bad to do those things, but those are not things I would consider significant 180's. Most of us were very alpha when we met our wives. Over the years we become good little hubbies and fathers and become much more beta and lost the alpha characteristics we once had that our W's were attracted to to begin with. We become less active, we gain weight, we quit hanging out with friends, etc. Our W's look at us and wonder when their sexy, attractive man suddenly became a couch potato. Anyway when we get BD'd our reaction is to think "oh my gosh, I should have helped her more! I need to do that now- wash dishes, do laundry, get the kids ready for bed." Those are all worthy things, but they're not doing anything for our attractiveness. Our W's aren't leaving us because they need a house maid. I think a lot of the other things you've mentioned are right on point as far as GAL though, so you're doing fine. I just wanted to clarify that so you know where to put your focus. Obviously we ARE fathers now so we can't just abandon all beta behavior, but the goal is to find a balance to where we get back those alpha traits while also keeping the beta stuff going.
Had the following text exchange with my WW a week and a half ago:
WW: I just want to be happy Me: Do you justify hurting me multiple times with “I just want to be happy” Because that’s what it seems like you’re saying WW: I guess call me selfish if you want. I'm not thinking of hurting you… I just want to live a good life WW: And I don't need to be labeled as someone who was awful
That exchange with my WW pretty much confirms that WW's are motivated by selfishness...Not that Sandi ever needs confirmation on her advice
Many WAW's have spent most of their adult life putting their family first and putting themselves last. They clean, do the laundry, feed the whole family, go to parent/ teacher conferences, and these days they do all of that on top of holding down a full time job. Folding underwear and packing lunches doesn't exactly make a woman feel sexy, makes her feel like a mom! At some point, often around the time menopause kicks in, the kids are older and don't need as much attention and the WAW looks up and says "how in the world did I get here? What about ME? What do I want from life?" They are often acting out of desperation, life is slipping away and they feel like they need something more than they're getting. And many of them do indeed deserve something better after living like a glorified servant for so long. They really do try and get our attention on this but we shut down and think we're being nagged and we just want them to go back to their "job" as wife and mother and quit complaining. So they finally give up and plan their escape.
Anyway my point is your W is telling the truth. She really does just want to be happy. She really doesn't want to hurt you to get there, but unfortunately that's a byproduct of her search for happiness. We all respect and admire Sandi greatly, but SHE WAS YOUR WIFE. She too was a WAS. Full-blown, totally done, ready to leave WAS. I don't think anyone would ever dream of calling Sandi selfish, in fact she's quite the opposite. What she did in her M and what your W is doing (and mine and others) is selfish in the respect that they are doing it because they are putting themselves first. But that doesn't mean they are bad people, or mean, or spiteful. I'm not saying leaving the M is the right reaction, I am just trying to help you see things from her point of view a little bit. It's easy just to say a WAS is crazy and selfish, but their motivations run a lot deeper than that.
