Any Advice?

[25yearsmlc]

Anyone remember Lietuenant Kelly the first female B-1 bomber pilot who had an A with the h of an enlisted women?

She got a General Discharge and that is effectively the same as an honorable one in terms of VA benefits, home loans, etc.

If she was a Lieutenant, then why did she get a General Discharge?

because she was not courtmartialed.

[doodler]

Anyone remember Lietuenant Kelly the first female B-1 bomber pilot who had an A with the h of an enlisted women?

She got a General Discharge and that is effectively the same as an honorable one in terms of VA benefits, home loans, etc.

If she was a Lieutenant, then why did she get a General Discharge?

because she was not courtmartialed.

25,

That was a doodlerism of the worst kind. You know the Lieutenant/General dichotomy. A Lieutenant should get a Lieutenant Discharge and a General should get a General Discharge.

Sorry. Flog me; I deserve it.

Shame on you for hijacking gw5263's thread. I'd never do such a thing.

[25yearsmlc]

25YRSMLC........I don't think your reply was to me,

Heck no, just a general comment about the military approach to adultery. To be clear, it's not as if it's admired. I think (or hope?) that when it comes to broken vows, the "good old boys" attitude is not as prevalent as some might think.

I did see some guys get dragged through the mud by their WAS's - only to have the spouses retract as soon as they realized the consequences would be felt by all, not just the soldier.

Also, solid marriages were often overtly supported and actually commented upon in officer evaluations for promotion. I have not seen that in the civilian world.

Elected officials definitely get away with more than the rest of us, but even so,
a lot of behaviors that used to end careers or ruin the reputations of most people, are just shrugged off more today.



There have been very few situations that I would suggest exposure, and this is not one of them.

I tend to post more to LBH newcomers, so I am not sure if exposure is more of the male thinking, or not. The men see OM as being the problem. Remove the problem and he gets his W back, right? But it does not remove the problem. The problem started before OM entered the picture.

Understood. ^^ To be fair, I think I can speak for you when I say "affairs inflict deep damage to marriages, regardless of what preceded them."

[25yearsmlc]

sorry doodler

you've lost me

[doodler]

sorry doodler

you've lost me

25,

Our time together was so brief, but I'll never forget you. It's probably for the best.

[gw5263]

Sandi,
My son is 13 years old. Socially, he is about 7-8 years old, intellectualy about20+ at times... He is in school and is extrememly high functioning. Something that actually pisses me off is she had him come in her office yesterday ansd showed him gifts she bought OM and asked him not to tell me about them, which he did. She also had him delete her browser history on her work computer to hide her activities related to OM at work.
W works for the school system at the moment, unless they catch on that she has been using theschool to conduct her affair as well ( Having OM deliver gifts to her there, using the computer there to order him gifts)She has told her Principal a modified version of our sitch, however she now feels like the principal is , as she put it, "Harassing her " for no reason.

I have not turned him in yet, I am struggling hard with that decision. I had these ideas of different outcomes if i did. Based on your experiences, what effect would this have on my W in the current climate?
on one hand i see it as a tool, one that will move him out of the picture, and potentially force him to decide between a 30 year career and my W he has known for 6 months. To be honest with you, i also saw it as a tool of revenge for everything i have been throught during this ordeal. Payback if you will. He has been an active, willing participant in the destruction of my family, fully aware of the risks, and should face his own set of consequences.
My W sees any move i make against him is , as she put it, jeopardizing a future with him. She told me he is innocent in all this as she is the one who destroyed the family. he did nothing wrong and doesnt deserve it. he worked hard for his career. I worked hard for our family for 17 years. I am starting to have some clarity in that i seem to focus more on him than my situation at present. I do see benefit in reporting him, I see him as the root holding this all together , however i also feel my attention is misplaced on him. So Should I turn him in, or let it go and work on the sitch here on the home front and let life take care of him? I had this crazy thought when i first mentioned it that he would tuck tail and run, however this did not happen as i thought it might.

As far as getting away, I work an odd shift rotation, and actually have made plans with some co workers to do some things this weekend. I was even planning on going to the lake on my own if i had too, and just sit wan watch a movie to get out of the house and give her the impression i was out on the town having some fun for a change.

[gw5263]

I wasnt palnning on using the A as the ain focus of turning him in. He is a Missile tech, senior enlisted, Chief in the Navy assigned to Trident subs. He has at least a top secret clearance due to the type of missiles he works with, which has been badly compromised by this affair. He has told my W details of his job that he should not have, which i have copies of. I intended to go after the clearance. He violated the regulations to retain it, and stands to lose it for good. It would hinder his career now and in the future when he pursues that high paying job with Boeing, martin marietta, or lockheed martin. I figured that was enough to shake him and make him decide. That and he'd feel like the drama was too much and piss off. He obviously is afraid of this outcome, very afraid. He has expressed this fear to my W multiple times. On BD, the first thing he told her was to beg me not to turn him in, not oh [censored] we are caught. I know the military is weak on adultery, but when teamed with the clearance i think it would have changed the game.

I went soi far as to put together a fie with all the relevant texts, photos, and call ogs. I contacted the Office of my congressman and gave them a rough outline. They agreed to help if i proceeded. so I wasted a lot of time and effort on this.

[joejoe1]

GW,

You are a great man and your wife has taken advantage of that to the fullest. She is bold in her statements. I really feel once you truly walk away she will def feel it. She hasn't have the chance to live without you and I can tell from the statements she is making.

IMHO, I really feel as though she would not make those statements if she felt like you were fed up and done. She knows what you wants. But once you take yourself away as an option, her statements and boldness will die. Once you longer respond and quill those statements she will wither. She is on a super high horse and you have placed her there trying to be the best husband you could be. This is going to sound harsh but she needs to be humbled. She is showing your son gifts she purchased the OM, you need to put you foot down and tell her to keep you son out of this. He shouldn't be a witness to this.

You have to protect him, it's your duty. I'm in the Army as well, but reading what 25 wrote, it makes me rethink the turning him especially if you are doing if for revenge. You have a tough decision on your hand with that one. But I know and from the sound of it, you are starting to get tired of it.

You deserve better! Period! Your deserve respect! Period! Please take some respect back, because she is walking all over you right now.

Something you might can do is pack up all of her things, put them in boxes and put them all in the garage. Take down all the pictures of you all and put those in boxes as well. Tell her she needs to go. Show her you are not playing. Take her computer and set it up in the garage if it can be setup out there and tell she can talk all she wants, but it won't be in this house.

[25yearsmlc]

your w's embroiling your son into the gifts she bought for OM and her request he hide this from you, in plain old lousy. $h1tty behavior. Period.

I wasnt palnning on using the A as the ain focus of turning him in. He is a Missile tech, senior enlisted, Chief in the Navy assigned to Trident subs.

I read everything below and it undermines this^^ statement. You did indeed assemble classified information to injure OM. The possible use for blackmail is not good for you, btw. It's one of the reasons gays and adulterers used to be denied clearances - fear of blackmail.

If you are saying "oh, but I"m not 'blackmailing" Om, I'm just hurting him under the guise of national security",

I don't buy that plus the assembling of said classified info is a problem for you.

You're human and allowed to get angry. But don't kid yourself about your motivations.


He has at least a top secret clearance due to the type of missiles he works with, which has been badly compromised by this affair. He has told my W details of his job that he should not have, which i have copies of.

do you see the problem ^^^^here???


I intended to go after the clearance. He violated the regulations to retain it, and stands to lose it for good. It would hinder his career now and in the future when he pursues that high paying job with Boeing, martin marietta, or lockheed martin. I figured that was enough to shake him and make him decide.

if you are threatening him with the "stop OR ELSE" that is blackmail/extortion. And if it's to punish him after the fact, at least admit it.

You should see a lawyer about the information you are keeping, btw.

- I know the military is weak on adultery, but when teamed with the clearance i think it would have changed the game.

do you see what you are saying here? Your goal

I went soi far as to put together a fie with all the relevant texts, photos, and call ogs. I [b]contacted the Office of my congressman and gave them a rough outline. They agreed to help if i proceeded. so I wasted a lot of time and effort on this[/b].

wow, you went way farther than anyone around. You have not thought this out.

1) you think the Congressman's office it going to "help you" you are sorely mistaken.

IF they do anything it'll be for their own political ends and nothing else.

2) And your identity will be exposed.

3) If you are claiming some sort of whistle blower status it won't take long for OM"s lawyer to show the real motivation on your part. Motivation goes to credibility.

It's not as if what you sent to the congressmen is protected information -

4) I really think you need to see a Lawyer and stop telling people.

[25yearsmlc]

W works for the school system at the moment, unless they catch on that she has been using theschool to conduct her affair as well ( Having OM deliver gifts to her there, using the computer there to order him gifts)

Wait...is she having sex at the school or are you referring to the possibility that she ordered something for OM from her work computer? And you think this^^^ will get her fired? (I don't.)

Please STOP and think for a second. You are letting your anger spiral and the urge to

DO SOMETHING is taking over you.

If your w ordered a gift for you last Christmas you would never dream of that being a problem. No you would not. You need to take a breath.

But even if I did think it would somehow hurt her job, what are you doing?? What is your goal with that? There are no scarlet letters. I'm not being a jerk, i get the anger you feel.

All LBS hurt. We are human. And we want our spouses to know and understand our pain. But too often we think the way to do that is to inflict pain on them.
That is not the path of honor and strength. And it's so not effective to foster a reconciliation.


How does harming her career help you? (Down the road, if she wins the lottery, will that take food off your table?)

Do you see my point? It feels like a contest, I know. But it's not. Even if it were, all you really control is your end.

Be the better choice, Not the only one employed.

Be well, heal, lead a happy life. That is so much more likely to elicit her second guessing herself that you harming her or OM's jobs.



She has told her Principal a modified version of our sitch, however she now feels like the principal is , as she put it, "Harassing her " for no reason.

I have not turned him in yet, I am struggling hard with that decision. I had these ideas of different outcomes if i did. Based on your experiences, what effect would this have on my W in the current climate?

I noticed you asked Sandi but I'll give you some free advice you are free to ignore.

Harming the career of your W or her AP will create more hurdles for any reconciliation.
. Have you read the DB books??

Your approach is not in them.

It's like you are fueling her negative images of you and the marriage, and you are giving her more reason to flee.

Right into OM"s arms.

I am not into blaming the LBS for affairs. That is on her I'm with you there..

But you are responsible for how you behave now.




on one hand i see it as a tool, one that will move him out of the picture, and potentially force him to decide between a 30 year career and my W he has known for 6 months. To be honest with you, i also saw it as a tool of revenge

I don't think anyone doubts this^^^is for revenge.


for everything i have been throught during this ordeal. Payback if you will. He has been an active, willing participant in the destruction of my family, fully aware of the risks, and should face his own set of consequences.


May DB coach told me this ---- thing is, [b]it's Not your job to punish them. It's not your job to "teach them a lesson".

Life does that.

Where is your GAL focus? How are you doing any detaching?

All I see is you reacting and spending your energy on how to punish OM or her or strategize about hurting them even at your own legal peril .
[/b]



-. I am starting to have some clarity in that i seem to focus more on him than my situation at present.


Life is made up of a finite amount of time/energy

How much of this ^^^^do you want to spend on this?

Don' live a life motivated by anger and pain. It's no way to live.


I do see benefit in reporting him, I see him as the root holding this all together ,

did you see Sandi's comments about how LBH's feel this way ^^

and miss the main point?

To paraphrase her, OM is not the root holding all this together. Your focus is misplaced.
.


however i also feel my attention is misplaced on him. So Should I turn him in, or let it go and work on the sitch here on the home front and let life take care of him? I had this crazy thought when i first mentioned it that he would tuck tail and run, however this did not happen as i thought it might.



What if you focused on yourself and your life and your son, instead of letting the desire for revenge take over your life?


- I was even planning on going to the lake on my own if i had too, and just sit wan watch a movie to get out of the house and give her the impression i was out on the town having some fun for a change.

what if you did have fun for real? I think the more you GAL (true GAL) the more peace you will find and the less spinning.

You cannot spin the way you have been. It's not good for you OR for your son.

Model for your son how a man of strength and honor copes with heartbreak by recovering and moving forward, living his life well.

IF & when your w wants to re-enter the m, cross that bridge when you get to it.

Here is an exercise my T gave me long ago, which may help you.

Imagine just for 3 minutes, that your had gotten sick and passed away. Imagine that enough time had passed that you and your son had started to heal and filled in the gaps her loss had created.

Imagine that you missed her but that you were happy, anyhow.

What would that mean? Would you move or travel more? Where?

Would you take up a hobby? Take any classes or learn a new language?

What about a musical instrument? Any new things you and your son might do? A car restoration or repair? Home projects you enjoy? An art form??

Would you change careers or your shift work, and if so, to what? How about new athletics or you joining or coaching a team?

Would you do any type of work out exercise that you have not made time for yet?

What about volunteering somewhere?

Would you begin to attend church or go to a new one, or join an outreach program of theirs?

What would you be doing if your w was out of your life, but you were happy, anyhow?


Of these ^^ things,

which can you do, now?