Thanks Jelly! I'm pretty isolated out here so thanks for letting me blather about it here. Normally I would have a road partner but that wasn't meant to be this season.
I play again in one hour. I play a regional player that is good but not rated quite as high as me. If I win I play a well known player who is about my speed but a bit more experienced. If I win again I will play the winner of another B bracket, the toughest of which is a former world champion (who I actually beat a few years ago in this event). That would be a $2,000 set to get into the money.
I want it so bad and my nerves are back again. I just took a nap because the people next door had an alarm that set for 6AM that they hit 'snooze' on for like 90 minutes and it kept waking me up this morning. I listened to my personalized hypnosis mp3 which allowed me to restore my energy. But I’m drawing short breaths.
I watched a few matches on the B side, one last night, one today. Both matches players dogged it (choked) back and forth. I’m excited to think my opponent might dog it to me as well. But I’m nervous that I might, too, dog it back. And I’m nervous that maybe he’ll play jam up (good) and it will be way, way tougher than I’m thinking. And I’m nervous that I’m nervous, and panicked that I'm so weak that all it takes is one player that is a ball under my speed (slightly beneath) and suddenly I just want the win and the money.
So then I get mad at myself, because seriously, that’s not why I came out here. I’ll never be the player I want to be if I start hoping it’s easy. I’m supposed to be here to fight hard matches and play my best.
What I’m rediscovering is that a player that you’re supposed to beat can be as tough as a player you aren’t supposed to beat. This ain’t like a local tournament where the skill edge is decisive. These guys can all play. There WILL be times they play great and knock you out. There WILL be times you dog it to them. That comes with competition. What do I really want? Of course I want to let go of these things. I want to play my best. More accurately, I want to play unencumbered by the nerves that come from this. Even more accurately I want to enjoy the nerves because this is what it means to be in competition. My head is spinning a little trying to figure it out.
Taking a different tack, here are today’s Ninja’s:
The favorite ninja: How to spot: Pressure coming from expectations due to paper rankings. You’re supposed to beat this guy. If you can’t beat this guy then that’s pretty bad. You’re supposed to be trying to beat better players, not losing to mediocre players. You’d have to dog it pretty bad to lose this one. Don’t be a chicken [censored] choker and dog it off to this guy. That would be embarrassing. Defense: The fact that I’m thinking these thoughts proves that this is a very difficult match. It’s difficult for different reasons, but just as challenging as any set I’ve played. I’m not here to win, nor even to play my best. I know the player I want to be and I don’t get there by having opponents dog it to me, I get there by locking that picture in my mind and embracing every opportunity to strive towards it.
The hopeless ninja: How to spot: Feeling sapped of energy because your prospects are so slim. You’re in bad shape. Even if you win this match you’d have to beat two more champions before you get in the money. It’s just a matter of time before you get eliminated. It’s probably not happening. Defense: I didn’t come here to get in the money. I didn’t come to play a set in the future. I came to play this very set. Whatever happens in the tournament, this set here and now is my greatest challenge. The player I want to be fights hardest when it looks hopeless because he knows feelings can change when he keeps pushing. I’m going to push until they eliminate me then I’m going to leave cat’s claw marks on the table because they’re going to have to drag me away as I keep trying to fight.
Well, ready or not here I come. Match kicks off in 45 minutes. If I get suited up and down to the tournament room now I'll have 30 minutes. Hopefully there are some tables open I can warm up on. If not I'll watch matches and try to start thinking pool. Mental gymnastics aside it still matters what you do on the table and you have to be ready hit those balls. I'll catch you all later.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Nail-biter. I ended up on top with a final score of 11-9.
Next match in the morning against a guy that plays technically only a little better than me but has been playing full time for 10 years with a deep resume.
It will all come down to caffeine. Goodnight all.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I don't know if this is allowed, but have you ever thought of taking a beta blocker? We use small amounts to treat stage fright. Patients take it an hour or so before performing, and it blocks the adrenaline response - no shaky hands, no sweaty palms, no racing heart. Might be something to think about.
We're all taking this road trip with you Zues. Right here, cheering you on and holding our breath in those moments with you and releasing them too. Enjoy Zues, you have waited a long time for this, for you to meet this self again. You earned it.
Staying tuned. Wishing you a restful sleep friend.
I love reading about your pool playing. What a difference since the beginning. You are enjoying it even if you aren't number world champion. You are loving the challenge, the sport itself, and working on your game for YOU. Not to be the best in the world. But to do the best you can. You aren't beating yourself up and you recognizing other people may be "better" but that doesn't mean you aren't awesome and you can't enjoy the game for what it is.
it's just really nice to read. If you ever have the chance, google Scott Simonetti. He is pretty inspirational.
Holy smokes what a set! I got there, 11-7. Panting a little.
He had me down 3-1, then I hit a super sick gear and won 8 out of 10 to get him down 9-5. He was muttering things like "This can't be happening" and that just pumped me up, I think that is a sign of weakness and it is gas on the fire. Then at 9-5 I was the one that got a little weak, there was part of me that just wanted it to be over. That spells disaster, and sure enough I let him creep back in to 9-7 due to a few mistakes and him taking advantage. I know he's a champion and is looking for any crack in the door. Now I put myself in a spot where it was a real crap shoot.
We took our break and I decided that win or lose I wanted to get out of this "I want it to be over" mindset. I just wanted to sit with the pressure and be friends with it. That's why I came out here after all. I want to experience it fully, and be really present.
Well, I got a chance at 9-7 and it was a triple tough opportunity. I'll spare the play by play but I absolutely came with my best game and ran the two racks out from there. Boom. It feels good, not just to win but to let go of the weakness inside of me and dive back into the fire giving myself a chance.
My next match is in 5 hours. I play the winner of two East Coast tournament players that both have some titles and lots of experience. It will be a 2K match and it's hard not to go back to that "just let me limp through this one and the money" mindset. I have no idea how it will go, whether I'll succumb to that, whether I'll rise up, and whether that will be enough to overcome my adversaries. But in the end I don't care. Even though it's hard for me to handle the heat sometimes I just keep telling myself to steer back into it, to savor the pressure. I definitely got what I signed up for.
Thank you all for letting me talk about it here. I'm not asking for a cheering squad, mostly I just like to put my thoughts on paper and get it out. But ok, a little support doesn't hurt
G, I'll check out Scott Simonetti when I'm done with the tournament. Don't need to put more crap in my head just yet, it's already got enough of a barrage going on. But yeah, enjoying what I have isn't always easy. Honestly it's something I learned from my divorce. Appreciation for what we have.
Jelly, thank you. It is good to be back. First serious pro tournament since BD and I sometimes forget how deeply important it is to me to walk into the fire. I'm really grateful for the opportunity, it does make me feel like I'm home again.
kml, you bring up a good point. I've heard of beta blockers and to be honest I'm not even sure if they're legal or not in competition, or how wide spread they are. Funny, that's something you'd think I would know. I'm also not sure if they'd help me or not. It's quite possible they could. It's also possible that they wouldn't, that the nerves I have give me the edge I need. Sure, I choke sometimes, but I also dig deep because I'm fighting for me life out there. Last set I played at a level I don't play at locally that I forget I'm capable of playing at. So pressure to me may be like spinach to Popeye.
Strategically it would make sense to experiment with them, but I'm really reluctant to do so. I guess it stems from the question "what is the purpose of competition?" If the purpose is to win money I wouldn't be playing. If the purpose was for fame I wouldn't be playing. Now if the purpose is to get the best results possible and beta blockers could help, then it would definitely make sense to use them. But if the true meaning of competition for me is to test myself mentally as well as physically, to face my demons head on, to walk through the fire and not flinch...well, then I'd be losing my opportunity to test myself in this way. My dad was a rock climber and he's talked about climbing aids, and how for him using certain aids was like bringing a step ladder or taking a helicopter ride to the top of a peak. So it really comes down to what the purpose of the competition is for me.
I'm not dead against it, this is something I'm sure I'll ponder more. But my gut is telling me that the pressure and my fear are challenges that are profoundly important to me, and I'm not sure I want to lose that.
I've posted this before but it's funny, my IC told me once before BD that "my life is run by fear". I scoffed and told him that was ridiculous, that I was in a scary sales role where I was constantly out of my comfort zone, that I continuously put myself into difficult competitions that scared me to the core. I made it clear that I make it a point to put myself out there whenever I can. He calmly explained "I didn't say you ran from the fear. I said your life is run by fear. You seem to want to defeat something inside of yourself, and since you can't beat if for good you have to keep recreating difficult situations that allow you to show it you're not going to be scared off." He had me there. Maybe this explains why I'm hesitant to 'take the edge off'.
OK, enough, enough. Time to relax and unwind (ha). Whatever happens I'm glad I've reconciled with my pool life and I get to have these experiences. Thank you all again, you guys are the best.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Well, it's a fine balance. Adrenaline does help you focus (a reason why people with ADD are often adrenaline junkies; also the reason why my ex would procrastinate on projects like writing papers - the stress of the pressure of being up against a deadline actually focused him).
On the other hand, if you're feeling the physical effects of excess adrenaline, they can cause sweaty palms, racing herat, tremor.
When it comes to stage performers, I find they only usually need to use it a few times before they overcome their fear. But I hear what you're saying about competition and doing it clean, and I respect that.
Since beta blockers are a common blood pressure medicine and heart medicine it seems like they would be hard to ban, but I don't know.
Well, it's over. One moment it was 2-2, the next minute it was 11-2 and I was shaking his hand. Funny game sometimes, he caught a big gear, broke well, got some good luck, and melted away the nine racks.
I'm pretty detached right now, I've been zoned out for a while and am kind of numb. Just the sinking sense that when I come to a bit the loss will hurt more and more. For now I'm just going to kill time until it's nightfall and wait for a new day to begin. I'll be fine. I knew what I signed up for and I can't get where I'm going without many more days like this on the way.
Until next time...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Zues, hold your head higb buddy. Most people couldnt last one game at that level. You competed and fought and as i said before that guys planets aligned.
As you said, practice is all important and you work full time and have a life to live as well as prepare for these massive competitions. Im not trying to make you feel better but to see what you did achieve. Onwards and upwards, your at a level that most can't get to ever. Celebrate that and know your time will come. Bloody planets !!!!!!!!
