Maybell 41: The Saga Continues

[JujuB]

Hi maybell

My ex constantly throws in little comments about how he works because he has to pay me. Mind you, he pays the absolute bare minimum any court would enforce... there is just no ratiinalizing it to them. There is just sonething about their brains that makes them unable to see past what they want. I really dont get their logic or the way they rationalize. I know i get caught on trying to understand them too much, but its almost like making sense of and trying to reason with a serial killer.

I feel very scared about my ability to judge someone as well based on this experience. I dont trust my judgement. I really thought i was rational with my choice in husbands at the btime, but looking back i didnt recognize some really important things. So i worry about not recognizing other signs in the new guy that i am dating because i have never been exposed to them. Or perhaps in
Becoming so enamored with new positives i have never encountered that i ignore the red flags. Its all a risk. Some gut and instinct. MWD's book says that we have powwr in changing the bad dynamics of a relationship. Would those tools t have made a difference with our old relationships? Or perhaps assist us with the new ones?

You mentioned your ex's live in girlfriend just lost her son? That is horrifying. Perhaps this is making him reevaluate his relationship with his children?

[Maybell]

I had my conversation with Mr. Fantastic. He’s lost a TON of weight and didn’t have it to lose in the first place. His face looks like Skeletor. (Remember him??)

He wants to quit his job and I think the changing of the schedule is a precursor to asking to readdress the support question. I said if he really was sincere about wanting to be more of a parent that I would be more willing to entertain a change if he started participating in the kids’ lives a little more, like responding to teacher emails from time to time, or addressing their issues with ideas of his own rather than just rubber stamping everything I say. A few weeks ago S11 brought home a HORRENDOUS report card and before showing it to me he showed it to his dad, who just said, “I’m going to let Mom deal with this.” Similarly, S9 got into trouble at school not too long ago and when I reported it to Mr. Fantastic he just said “I’ll go along with whatever you decide to do on that.” (Note that my boys are not struggling... they’re just going through some fairly normal childhood challenges. They still need a Dad with an opinion, though.)

Well Mr. Fantastic didn’t like the idea of my setting conditions to the conversation and said he didn’t think it was appropriate that he should have to ask me permission to spend time with his own kids, etc. I raised the question of his travel and he said that if there was ever a time when he had to travel that I wasn’t willing or able to take the kids, that he’d just leave them with his girlfriend. The one who lost her son 10 weeks ago. Honestly, I don’t know how she still gets up in the morning but she seems to be carrying on fairly normally.

He’s been taking my D14 out and sharing all his life concerns, etc., with her, and she has started calling him by his first name. As though they’re peers. She seems flattered at all the attention he’s giving her. He’s neglecting the boys a lot, by my standards... several times has invited her out to go on day-long hikes with him (on my weekends), but leaves the boys behind.

The reason I’m posting about all this, though, is that my reaction to spending an hour one-on-one with him was HORRIBLE. I despise him but my day-to-day is calm and generally happy. Being around him made me FURIOUS. Volcanically furious. Every unresolved thing, you know all the lies and decisions that he made to devalue and discard me, all erupted into HOW DARE YOU and how dare you ask me to surrender one minute with my children to someone like you. It was awful and made me wonder if I shouldn’t get a therapist of my own. I can’t be around him again for a long, long time. I was surprised at it and at my gigantic flaming desire to out him to every single person who knows him. That is not in my interest but it infuriates me that he should get away with having treated me and the kids as he did, and then expect that I would not be angry with him. He even had the audacity to tell me that I should leave the anger and bitterness behind because I’d be happier.

I’d be happier punching his face in.

That’s not a very meh place to be and I’d prefer to be meh about him. But he’s threatening the part of my life is that is most precious to me and I’m not going to be meh about that, as much as I’d like.

Sorry for the rambling. But if someone can please tell me how to wipe him off the bottom of my shoe and carry on with my zen intact, I’d appreciate it.

[Dawn70]

So sorry for your interaction with Mr. F. If you figure out that part about wiping him off your shoe, let me know....I could use that myself.

[Maybell]

Win for the day: Had a big school conference for S11 today. Mr. Fantastic was present and I was able to be very business-like with him and focused on S11.

Work is going better. My Guy is his normal lovely self. D14 is human!! S9 is fine.

I am happy to be getting less triggered by Mr. Fantastic. The more I see of him the more I wonder what I ever saw in him. We don’t match AT ALL. In other news, his girlfriend is moving out. I find that interesting.

All is well and getting better all the time. I follow people here but don’t often comment. So happy new year, friends, and I hope 2018 is wonderful for you!

[Dawn70]

Happy 2018 to you, Maybell. Hope it is a wonderful year for you and yours.

[Maybell]

Hello, All. It’s been a while.

I’ve quit the high stress job and am looking for something new. I have great confidence I will find something I enjoy that doesn’t try to kill me.

My Guy is still great. We hit a few bumps but have navigated those all right.

The kids are well. D15 (already!) has a job and is supposedly taking up cross country, though we’ll see if that lasts. S12 had a HORRIFIC first year of middle school, so my biggest project for the summer, besides finding a job, is helping him prepare for 7th grade so it goes more smoothly. I had the pleasure of having S10 to myself for the last four days, and he is so sweet and fun, I hope I get it again sometime soon. This coming week S10 and D15 will be at sleep away camp so I will have S12 to myself and I’m thinking of ways to make it as enjoyable as this week with S10 was.

Mr. Fantastic has changed from wanting something “more balanced” to wanting to be able to change the calendar so that he can spend one week a month with the kids, with both his weekends back to back, and then I get the kids the other three weeks, and he just visits them on Tuesdays if he’s in town. He wants to be able to go live with his parents in another state (for the whole week, with travel on the weekends on either side) if he chooses.

I am not in favor of this change and it clearly is very inconsiderate of me, but when he asked for this adjustment the last time and I said no, he completely blasted me as being unforgiving and obstructionist. He called me “The Parent of No.” I don’t like being put in the position of having to constantly say no to him and then take that kind of abuse. Now I’m going to have to do it again, only he’s upped the ante by saying his dad has visibly aged (so have my parents; our parents are the same age) and he wants to “repair his relationship” with them before it’s too late. Meanwhile, he’s leaving Monday for a two week trip to Ireland to go on a hike. While he’s gone, he will be out of contact with everyone, because where he’s going he’ll have limited power/cell service/ Wi-Fi access.

The five year anniversary of DDay #1 was this past Tuesday. I used that day to reflect on where I’ve come from and where I’m going and I noted that I’m really happy with the changes that have happened in my life. I still have a lot of concerns around the kids, money, my future, etc., but all in all I’m better off and much richer personally than I would have been if I’d stayed with Mr. Fantastic. I like who I am within my relationship with My Guy, and I have confidence that my kids are ok, and that their relationship with me is getting better everyday.

[DonH]

It's so great to read an update from you Maybell! Sounds all or at least mostly like good stuff. Your first comment did hit me though:

I’ve quit the high stress job and am looking for something new. I have great confidence I will find something I enjoy that doesn’t try to kill me.

It's just usually best to find a new job first AND THEN quit the one you are in. Or was that not really an option? On the plus side, we are in somewhat historic territory with the jobless rate being so low. It seems like nearly everyone is screaming for high quality employees so pretty much anyone who wants a job these days can get a job. That darn Trump and the Republicans - Sorry, I just cannot stop myself sometimes.

It really amazes me how many fathers I see (sadly I see this much more from fathers than mothers) who don't really want to take the time to see their kids - almost like it's an obligation. String together an entire 8 days and then have the other 22 or 23 off. How is that in the best interest of the kids? How is that in the best interest of you? Maybe that's what you should ask him???? He wants to call you the parent of no. He seems like the parent of what's ever best for me. He really wants his kids to go without seeing him for three weeks? Really????? Hopefully you can somehow bring this into the discussion, though I don't think he wants to really deal with common sense - only nonsense.

Interesting how you still remember and even take time to reflect on the bomb drop or DDay. I think that's normal and certainly nothing wrong with it whatsoever. It just caught me because with the message board update earlier this week, I took that opportunity to update my signature info. I noticed that my bomb drop and D filing day anniversary had recently passed. I had no clue. I don't even think of it anymore. Now, it's been well over 10 years for me. I think we have now been apart longer than we were together. It's so far in my rear-view mirror that I just never think of it. I have little doubt that will be you when you are into the double digits as well.

So glad you are doing so well. There are so many others who have struggled so much more and continue to struggle. I know it's not been all smooth for you either, it never is, but in general you are really, really doing well!

[Maybell]

Don, I was in a commission only job that was costing me upwards of $3500/month and I hadn’t been paid in four months. Summer was coming and the childcare was going to cost me an extra $1500-$2000/month. I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck — quitting was an intelligent move. If I’d had an actual salary I would have looked for a job first. I learned a ton in that role but it did not offer me good long-term potential and had a lot of short term potential for catastrophe. As it is, I will be recovering financially from the last six months I was there for 6-8 months, depending on what I find next and how thrifty I’m able to be.

I was married a lot longer than you and was divorced a lot more recently. There are LOTS of milestones in the destruction of my marriage, but I choose to focus on that one because a specific kind of growth began on that date and I think it’s important to keep track of it. I didn’t feel a lot of emotion around it, but it’s important to know how far I’ve come, and to evaluate if I’ve achieved everything I wanted to since that date. I realize I’m very blessed. I came back to update, not complain.

[DonH]

Wow, so you really were working for free then. Clearly there was potential to earn but you were basically working without getting paid. Yeah, that's kind of a no brainer to walk away from.

I was not at all questioning you marking the milestone. I was really more surprised at me not even noticing anymore. That's the point I was trying to make. I still think you are doing well - perhaps the job aside.

[Dawn70]

Thanks for the update, Maybell! Sounds like things are going pretty well for you. So glad to "hear" that.