It's good to hear from you, Blue. There are a lot of people here that really care. I say this b\c I don't want you to feel embarrassed or think you will lose support.
The good news is that you are bringing this into the light. It's not easy to admit what you shared with the board, but it was the right decision.
I am here for you, and will do anything I can to help. ((Hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I had this long soliloquy typed out but deleted it. No need to get into specifics.
When I look back on it, I'm glad I stopped it. It showed that I had what my WW didn't have - the ability to make the right choice. Sure, the chemical high was great - that's exactly what my W experienced with OM. But I stopped.
I'm glad I did. I feel SO much better now about it.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
I have not been on the boards much. While I wasn't avoiding posting before, perhaps now I am. ... I appreciate people's feedback, but this is mostly a population of people that 1. have been burned and may project feelings about that, 2. want to save their M. (I get it, those were both me). My M is at a complete standstill right now, and it is by my choosing. I have communicated that to H. I don't have the desire or energy to work on things right now. While I know it cannot stay this way, right now it feels safe. Since I have taken the pressure off myself to keep working on it, working on forgiveness, etc, I actually feel better. It is a very welcomed relief. When H came back, I was so desperate and weak--I wasn't thinking clearly--I just needed and wanted the safety of him. I want to make the decision from a place of strength and confidence. I feel that I haven't done that yet.
The last few months, I have focused more on myself, my own health and happiness, and I am starting to see H through a different lens. I don't mean that I see him more positive or more negative, I mean that I am more shifting my perspective away from only thinking that I need him. I haven't really given myself permission to let go. I haven't entertained the idea that I may not want this M to work and I may not want to be with him. I feel like I owe it to myself to at least explore this. While I completely understand that As happen, and that he is remorseful and regretful, I also still do not want this in my history. Something about it still feels very wrong and unnatural for me.
And then there is OM. I am not sure what to say about him and that R because it's quite unclear. Am I having an A? Maybe. I guess it depends on who you ask and how you define it. Does he consume my thoughts? No. Am I in a "fog" or imagining it is something better? No. Am I leaving my H for another man? No. Not at all. My R with him is what it is and I am just allowing it to be more information. It is another piece in the puzzle. It's not as if I think he would be a better match for me, or that I think I know him all that well. I actually don't think that at all and if anything my H brings so much more to the table. I get that.
I honestly don't feel embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty. Should I? Maybe. But I don't. I am also not interested in 2*4s. If anything, it is helping me understand how easily A's can happen. So if you want to comment and I can respect your POV, go ahead. If you want to lecture me or project your own issues on here, please don't waste your time. It won't make a difference and I can't take that seriously anyhow. We each need to learn as we go and in our own ways. I just wanted to update because I have not been posting or checking here much lately. I will be back later. Hope you all are well.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
And then there is OM. I am not sure what to say about him and that R because it's quite unclear. Am I having an A? Maybe. I guess it depends on who you ask and how you define it. Does he consume my thoughts? No. Am I in a "fog" or imagining it is something better? No. Am I leaving my H for another man? No. Not at all. My R with him is what it is and I am just allowing it to be more information. It is another piece in the puzzle. It's not as if I think he would be a better match for me, or that I think I know him all that well. I actually don't think that at all and if anything my H brings so much more to the table. I get that.
Blu,
Inquiring minds want to know; what do you get from the OM? Or maybe a better question is, what's the attraction to the OM? Do you two swap slobber or do you just talk? Are you going to be on the cover of one of the tabloids at the grocery store checkout?
I'm not interested in the slobbery stuff. I think this is a heavy topic.
Blu if you checked my thread lately, I've dipped my toe/foot into the dating world. I had THOUGHT i'd do a little 'How Stella Got her Groove Back" fun stuff.
And i made a date weeks ago for this Friday, with G. He's a nice guy i'm very comfortable with. No sparks yet but who knows?
But meanwhile, M has steadily courted and impressed and connected with me. It would take me a long time to say the "L" word but I can imagine it happening with M.
Meanwhile, the history with h, leaving aside yet more dark discoveries, is something I won't be able to get past. And that is NOT about withholding forgiveness. it is about what I could ever have with h, again, after seeing what I have seen.
Relevant anecdote -
My lovely brother J is my closest brother, my son's Godfather. And J has just been diagnosed with kidney cancer. I was at his house. He did not know I could see him and his wife down the hall. They were quietly talking.
I saw her lay her head on his shoulder and he kissed her forehead, and then they hugged and briefly, they cried hard, and embraced.
I was very moved. It was what I wanted for MY m, it was what I wished for with my own h, but now I can see that I'll never have it with h, despite our long history.
Maybe you can rebuild your m, and the history can include a huge pothole that you got past. I think it could be a good thing.
OR you could always wonder when the next shoe will drop...
But here's the thing it's about imo,
it's about what YOU CHOOSE, What YOU want, not whether he's committed or IF he will do "the work" as if the assumption is always that it's what you "need/want" for your life.
it is NOT now about whether HE will be "remain remorseful/ & earn the trust" and blah blah blah. I think it's all about what YOU want in your life.
Like you said, you wanted your old life back so badly that it was all you could think of and when he wanted back in, he got back in. I do not make light of his work, it's a rare brave & humbling thing.
So now, Blu, what would you like YOUR LIFE to look like and include?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for touching bases again. I doubt there will be 2x4's. This is your life to live, and we want you to be safe and happy. You've been through a lot, and what you are currently experiencing is not uncommon in the LBS from what I've read. Maybe you will find your way back to your H, or take a different road.
Please stay in touch.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, thank you for that. I really appreciate it. My sitch has certainly taught me to be less judgemental of others, including my own H. I'll admit it, I don't have much motivation to read here or post these days. Right now I don't want to save my M. It has been the one thing that has caused me so much grief and unhappiness in the last several years. We ended up getting into a R talk last night. It was so F-ING SAD! I don't want to rehash the details here, but in a nutshell, the M as we know it today is dead. I just can't keep forcing this. I need to let go because I haven't fully let go of this man or this M in 17 years. And he blames himself completely. That is the part that makes me the most sad. I know it's not true and I have even told him that. It is never the sole responsibility of one person.
I hope I will find my way back to him. Last night he was so genuine,kind, sad and vulnerable. I just looked at him and thought, "what is wrong with me? Why can't I move past/through this?" But if there is one thing that I do know, it is that all the therapy, books, Retrouvaille, and working on it, is not bringing me closer to him. I feel suffocated. I want him to let me go. I want to be able to choose him out of my own free will. That hasn't happened yet. I am hoping if I can free myself of him and really, truly let go, that I can choose to find my way back. Not because I have to, or out of fear, but because I want to.
25, thank you for weighing in. I am very sorry to hear about your brother and his cancer. This is some of the hardest stuff to deal with. I think I have mentioned before that I am an ICU/CVICU nurse and I work with death and dying a lot. I will never, ever forget at the lowest point in my separation (when H was with OW) this one day at work. We finally were able to remove the breathing tube on this sweet old man. After several minutes he found his voice and his first words were, "where is my wife?" ... I completely lost it .... I had to stave off another anxiety attack at work that day ...
Just typing this reminds me that I am still so traumatized from my sitch. The difference between now and a couple years ago, is that I am much more cerebral about it all. Partly, I am a stronger person because of it all, and partly I am no longer letting my emotions control my life. I'm done living that way. I want to heal my PTSD, I want to heal my wounds from before my M, and I cannot do that while focusing on him. Some of the things that have helped have been more fun with my GFs, running, eating better, and all the good literature by Perel, Brene Brown, etc, ... I digress ...
What would I like my life to look like? Oh gosh. That is the million dollar question. I don't know. Right now, it looks pretty darn good to an outsider. And in several ways it looks good to me. I am so grateful for my beautiful family, my friends NOW are the best women I could ask for, my home, my community, my job ... I don't feel that I am in a position to change that all. I don't want to physically break it apart. I feel that breaking it all apart is the wrong move and would be selfish. At this point I see us living as a family but I see my H as more of a person that I used to be in love with and that I hope one day I can be again, or even start by finding a friendship, but even all that doesn't describe it well.
Doodler, I am probably not gonna answer your question to your satisfaction, but I will try briefly. What do I get from OM? I would say there are two different things. First, there is friendship and what we have in common. Second, is the attraction, desire, danger, and excitement. I'll let you imagine the rest. The thing is, and mostly why I decided to post, is to emphasis the point that not all infidelity is entirely irrational. On these boards, and in other places, everyone wants to assume that there has to be this component of limerance, fog, addiction, MLC, etc, etc. I am sorry to tell all the LBS out there that that is simply not true. I think we convince ourselves of that (I know I did) so we don't have to face the simple reality that we are being rejected and our S is choosing someone else. That is more painful to accept. I can also say that my H and OM are entirely opposites in every way. I can't compare them and I wouldn't. They are just different. And my feelings for one have nothing to do with my feelings for the other. There is no emotional attachment to OM and in that sense there is a safety.
I wanted to respond to all of you--Coconut, Roist, AS, Sotto, Ginger, Own, Storm, and all of you--and say thank you so much for weighing in and your thought-provoking comments. I will certainly read them all again and keep thinking on this.
I don't make excuses for myself and I will be the first to admit that what I am doing is wrong by most standards. I also am in this place where I want to change, and in more ways than one. I have made several changes in the last few months--some good and some bad--but all of it feels safe right now and is helping me understand myself better. So that is my main goal as of now.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I can't compare them and I wouldn't. They are just different. And my feelings for one have nothing to do with my feelings for the other. There is no emotional attachment to OM and in that sense there is a safety.
Blu,
I get it! And, thank you for responding. As an LBS it's nice to get that kind of feedback.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds as if, in many ways, it's more difficult than divorce. I hope you can sort things out and get back on firm footing regardless of the direction you take.
Something I recently read about that seems interesting, but I certainly don't know anything about it first-hand, is enhanced couples counseling (I'm euphemizing). I've read a lot about it, and if all the reports are true, then it may be a huge step forward for therapy. Anyway, I feel like I'm a street dealer for even mentioning this, but google "MDMA couples therapy."
You asked for non judgemental and I’ll respect that. Lord knows you’ve e been through enough and have every right and reason to want out of your M.
I would suggest that you reread your posts and look at them through objective eyes, though. I only say this because there’s a distinct element of “I’m in control and can stop anytime I want” in them.
By all means do what is in your best interests. But be honest with yourself while you do.
Blu, thank you for continuing to post and being so open and honest about your feelings. Yours is a very unique situation and perspective and it is a great learning experience reading your posts. Maybe some day you'll find your way back to your H much like Sandi did, but it could take a good, long while (and that's OK). You've been through so much and you've done a great job of explaining why you are where you are, and to be honest you've said nothing I can argue with. Your feelings are real and your reasons for them are perfectly legitimate. I wish you the best and hope you keep posting
