Don't want to be a wayward wife ...

[JRuss]

"I feel suffocated. I want him to let me go."

Have you told him you're cheating on him with another man? Because if not, that would be the sort of information that would seemingly make it a lot easier for him to do that.

[leahsue]

Wow, JRuss,

Before you throw those kinds of statements out there, do your homework. Go back and learn Blu's story, before you attempt to cut her a new one.

SHE IS NOT CHEATING. She is sincerely trying to help us all better understand LBS/WAS, and in her free time, she's fighting the URGE to cheat, and winning so far.

Your post really made me angry, so I am trying to be selective with my comments. I think everyone wants this site to be a safe place for everyone, so don't be snarky, especially when you're wrong.

[Coconut]

all the therapy, books, Retrouvaille, and working on it, is not bringing me closer to him. I feel suffocated. I want him to let me go. I want to be able to choose him out of my own free will. That hasn't happened yet. I am hoping if I can free myself of him and really, truly let go, that I can choose to find my way back. Not because I have to, or out of fear, but because I want to.

I think there is a lot of power in this statement, it's often said that when the LBS comes here, the M is almost always already dead. Piecing is tough for many reasons, and I believe one of those reasons is because it's hard to build a NEW R with someone you're already M to.

I feel that the best way to start new is to separate first, grow as individuals and then rediscover each other in the future... But that's much easier said than done. There's so much drive to get them back, that it's hard to keep them away when they want to come back.

I think that regardless of what you decide to do Blu, that you and your H both gave it a real shot, and will likely be able to split and remain on good terms if it comes to that. But if you have any hope or desire to save your M, even if you see that in the future (after a seperation), I still believe having those feelings for another person now is a bad idea. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just that doing it will divert your focus from yourself.

[Sotto]

Hi Blu, I was going to post in a similar vein, then read what Coconut posted and felt I couldn't really put it any better...

Given all circumstances, I could understand why you may not want to rebuild things with your H. As time has passed I became more relieved that my XH walked away and didn't come back, initiated and completed the D. I feel in many ways it would be easier for me to have a R with a new person..

But I think they key aspect is in the order of things. I'm 18 months out from D being finalised and that's a very different place to be. And a reasonable place to consider dating from.

I always value your posts and I hope you manage to work through everything in a way the brings you peace and joy in the much longer term.

Xxx

[lcause]

Doodler, I am probably not gonna answer your question to your satisfaction, but I will try briefly. What do I get from OM? I would say there are two different things. First, there is friendship and what we have in common. Second, is the attraction, desire, danger, and excitement. I'll let you imagine the rest. The thing is, and mostly why I decided to post, is to emphasis the point that not all infidelity is entirely irrational. On these boards, and in other places, everyone wants to assume that there has to be this component of limerance, fog, addiction, MLC, etc, etc. I am sorry to tell all the LBS out there that that is simply not true. I think we convince ourselves of that (I know I did) so we don't have to face the simple reality that we are being rejected and our S is choosing someone else. That is more painful to accept. I can also say that my H and OM are entirely opposites in every way. I can't compare them and I wouldn't. They are just different. And my feelings for one have nothing to do with my feelings for the other. There is no emotional attachment to OM and in that sense there is a safety.

Are you sure you understand your feelings completely? I don't know, but to me you just defined what the fog and being limerant means yet you say there isn't those things. Do you seriously think those adjectives you listed would last in a relationship with this man? You didn't feel this way when you first met your H? Limerance is a fact, it's neuroscience. When you get infatuated with someone new, your neurotransmitters go haywire...

The fact is that relationships always have those feelings at the beginning, but in LTRs they eventually fade. Love is a choice, not a feeling. I am not saying the next person can't be a better partner, but to me your post sounded really underrating. You may understand your feelings and where they stem from but I could bet some money that most of the people do not, and it is easy to fall into the limerance trap or have GIGS. I mean statistics (lol) do say that a lot of people in affairs, and even divorcees, do regret their choices later on.

[JRuss]

Uh, Leahsue? I did read her posts. Did you? Yes, it's "cheating"; Blu herself called it "infidelity". There's no difference in the meaning of those words in this context, but one is considerably harder to spell (at least for me).

But let's be clear. I think you mistakenly believe that I care even a little about whether she's cheating or judge her for it. She can and should do whatever she wants, ESPECIALLY after what was done to her by her husband.

But if she wants him to back off (what she says in her most-recent post (that you think I didn't read)) -- or if maybe she wants simply to return their dynamic back to something approaching moral parity (because the current dynamic where he's in perpetual apology mode isn't working FOR HER and isn't ever going to, if reconciliation is the goal) -- she might consider telling her husband about what's going on. There's a chance it would make him cling harder and pursue more (what she says she doesn't want, in the post you think I didn't read), but I doubt it, since he's already clinging and smothering her.

[LH19]

On these boards, and in other places, everyone wants to assume that there has to be this component of limerance, fog, addiction, MLC, etc, etc.

I have been saying this for months now, the LBS uses these terms to make excuses for the WW. "There has to be a reason they are doing this to me". In my opinion it's all BS.

People's feelings change over time. Plain and simple. Right or wrong.

[doodler]

People's feelings change over time. Plain and simple. Right or wrong.

LH19,

You're right. And, I'd like to point-out that there's a silver lining for the LBS. The LBS can be Secret Santa for their ex-spouse's new partner. This year, Secret Santa will be sending my XW's OM a fresh unopened tube of Vagisil. (He's a bit of a wuss.)

[lcause]

I have been saying this for months now, the LBS uses these terms to make excuses for the WW. "There has to be a reason they are doing this to me". In my opinion it's all BS.

People's feelings change over time. Plain and simple. Right or wrong.

No one is making excuses for anyone. I don't seek a reason either. Limerance/infatuation is real and it happens regardless of the current relationship status when you find another person. It's all about brain chemistry. New person will ALWAYS give those feelings at the beginning. It is hard to compete against that as an LBS. But those words used to describe it do not last. The ordinary life starts after a few years have gone by.

[Matrix]

What do I get from OM? I would say there are two different things. First, there is friendship and what we have in common. Second, is the attraction, desire, danger, and excitement. I'll let you imagine the rest.

What part of any of this isn't the definition of an EA???

It is an affair. An EMOTIONAL AFFAIR.

Those words ARE limerance and getting foggier by the day.

This is exactly what your H felt for his OW when he went off the rails.

I am no judge or jury. I know you have been through hell and back with what your H did to you.

I agree with JRUSS, wholeheartedly. You might want to tell your H, so he knows that he has a choice to "let you go".

I must say with all honesty, Blu, the tone in your posts has changed dramatically. I get the sense we won't be hearing much from you anymore. That's too bad. You are one of the best posters on this forum. But as you drift further and further away, it would make sense that you don't want to hear any of this crap from us anymore.

I wish you the best.