Happy New Year. I hope that everyone can find more peace and contentment in 2018 than previous years. I was speaking with a lovely coworker about New Years' resolutions and she starts out each year with an intention instead. Her intention this year is "flourish," and I like this because the idea of an intention is less likely to set us up for failure. The way we think about things and the words we choose to describe them, certainly influence our life, even when we are unaware, don't they? I am still thinking about my intention for 2018. The one that I keep circling back to is "patience," however when I shared it with her, she didn't seem enthusiastic about it. I am going to keep thinking on it. I want an intention to live by this year.
Needless to say, I have not been on the boards much. I recall someone made a crappy comment about not expecting much from me anymore, and I'll tell you what, it is posters and comments like THAT that only further contribute to people not posting. So I am going to say right here and now, please do not post on my thread if you do not have something respectful, intelligent, or mindful to say. I don't have room for that in my life--not here, and not with the people I interact with IRL. Please and thank you.
I do check on some of my favs here and keep up with them and how they are doing. I think you guys know who you are by now :-) This is also the time of year that I work very long hours. And my GAL and 180s include going out more and doing more fun things. When I read here, I find myself getting triggered, keeping me in the past, or simply wasting hours I could be outside running. Sometimes I will pop over here and read from a new poster and think about how I would respond. Honestly tho, there is so much negativity and spouse bashing on these boards, that it feels counterproductive to me. I still read poster after poster focusing on everything their S is doing and essentially looking to blame them or call out on all their mistakes! Stop it, people! Even if you are right, and they are wrong, it doesn't serve you or saving the M to do this. Please read the mistakes that we (especially me) have made and try to learn from us!
Gah! It kinda drives me nuts! First of all, it goes against everything we should be learning here. Second, it keeps you in a negative tailspin of resentment and misery. Lastly, it will NOT bring them any closer to you, but will only push them further away. You have to actually wake up each morning and follow the rules. Posting here and complaining does not work. Sorry about it. Let them go, love yourself, and find happiness without them. It's okay to hope they will come back, but you can't bring them back by posting here and by being right.
I feel that I can confidently say all of this because I have now stood firmly on each side of the fence. If you have followed me, you know I suffered as much as any of you -- the full body 3rd degree burns, double betrayal, husband had the big dramatic A, left me with 3 kids for my "friend," while I was already suffering with the loss of a parent and a child in a mental health crisis. So yeah, I get it, I know the pain first hand. Now, however, several years have passed, and I am on the other side of the fence. My H came back and did all the "right stuff" and has changed.
However, now I question if I can remain in the M. I am also allowing myself to see him for who he is and not for who I always wanted him to be. I have taken a giant step back in the past several months and am reevaluating how I see my life. My H was a great DBer by nature, however the more I slip away, the worse he is at it. So like many of you, and like me back in the day, when you don't follow the rules, you push them away. When he is needy, focuses on me, and wants to keep having R talks, I feel suffocated and retreat. I get how this works, but I still can't help it. It's just not attractive. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and be open-minded, but it's not easy. If he would give me more space and do more GAL and 180s of his own, I think I would feel more safe recommitting to him.
In the mean time, several strange things have happened lately, that have made me think he is a good partner for me in general. I am trying to let my choices outweigh my feelings if that makes sense. I have also had some men in my life treat me poorly (not seeing anyone or having an A, I mean interactions in general) that has made me realize that my H is a good man. It has been so strange how the universe (or whatever) has put this out there. I don't really want to get into the details here, it's ikcy and uncomfortable, but I am getting this sense that the grass may by plentiful, but not any greener.
More later. I am going to go about my day and my GALs. Hoping my intention word comes to me soon. Take care everyone!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Wow, you have been through a lot! Is there any way to get through to him on the DB'ing? That you need space to consider? It seems like you view the M in a positive manner intellectually, but emotionally you are in a different space. Has he read the DB/DR books? It seems like he's in the desperate first stages still, and I think we can all understand why. He needs to understand why you need space. My think you guys are alike a perturbed pendulum. You swung all the way out on his affair, and now you're past the middle and swinging out on your side in reaction. It will take work and time to get back to 'at rest'. But perhaps you're not like that, and you living through the loss and return has made you realize you don't want what was lost anymore at all, and you're only feeling like you SHOULD want it. Or possibly, you just need some separation and space for yourself (db'ing) so that you can properly value and re-evaluate what has been regained.
I hope things settle for you in a way that makes sense and brings you peace.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
You seem very raw. It's understandable. In general real is good. Turning things around and viewing them from different angles helps. In view of where you have been, it is understandable that you would relate more to a walkaway mentality than you did before, and that is helpful information for everyone here.
I guess I just caution you to avoid some of the same traps you see in others. People come here from a certain perspective. Lets face it. The folks on the other side are in the minority, but their views are especially valued by others (sandi and now artista for example). However, often when we feel judged, it is because it is we who are judging ourselves. Just think about whether there could be some of that going on.
People come here because they are hurt. They come here to vent. If they are spouse bashing, its probably something that needs to happen for healing. I've done it. Sometimes I hate mine, and sometimes I feel really, really bad for him.
I think everyone here cares about you and the feelings you are expressing are good for everyone to hear and consider. I hope that you feel safe enough to come back and let us continue to learn from your experiences.
I agree a bit with Ownit. I've vented on here about my H but only because this is a safe place to do it. Obviously there are those who go a bit too far but on the whole I think we all understand the pain we are all going through.
I am so pleased that you are seeing that your H is a good man. Maybe this is all part of the process and you needed to feel like you could give it all up to realise that you really didn't want to.
(((Blu)))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
In the mean time, several strange things have happened lately, that have made me think he is a good partner for me in general.
I learned from my A that the OM may have had strengths my H lacked, but so did my H have strengths the OM lacked. Sometimes, you have to look closely to see if you are just trading one set of problems for another set that's going to make you miserable.
The possibility of a new relationship seems fresh and exciting. There is no painful history with a new person. For some reason, we see a new relationship being easier, and perhaps in some cases it is. I've seen it happen. And I've also seen women bitterly disappointed after they've had time to learn and experience more "truth" with the new person.
I will forever be grateful that my eyes were beginning to see things in the OM, although I wanted to be in denial. It was the preparation for what was to come for me.
Blu, I felt you were probably a little hurt by something that was previously said to you. I think the first person who ever replied to me said something pretty negative about me. That's to be expected when the board's population is mostly hurting LBS's. For a moment, you became a target for their bitterness.
Actually, I have been extremely blessed that I haven't had very many negative posts directed at my character. Maybe the difference is that I went from a WW to reconciling with my H. For all I know, someone may have thought you were worse for trying to stick it out for so long.....and then having a change of heart. Who knows? They may have been having a bad day and took it out on you. No excuse, just saying....
Personally, I don't expect you to be as involved in posting, especially if you feel it has no benefits for you. Those on the board need to feel they are receiving or giving something. I think the people who feel emotionally invested in you, would like to hear from you occasionally. We become bonded in a special way on the board, IMHO. There are a lot of people I would love to hear how they are doing now, but they never post anymore. Oh well, maybe I have spent too much time, as well.
Thanks for dropping in and letting us know how you are doing. You have been a favorite around here.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
good afternoon, BluWave... i remember the crappy comment you are referring to... i gather that person meant that you seemed to be moving on--which most posters eventually do--and that saddened him because he does value your input and would miss your contribution...
i like the idea of choosing an intention for the year... i have never been keen on making New Year resolutions, but i do like the idea of being resolved about things that come across, things that i need to pay attention to, in my life... because i can be wishy-washy... i loathe having to make decisions... perhaps i should intend to live my life more deliberately...
from our good friend Henry David Thoreau in Walden: or Life In The Woods--
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
Regretfully not everyone agrees with what we have to say.
Some are quite rude and others plain objectionable. Over time I have come in for quite a bit of flack. To the point on one occasion I decided to go forever. However I came to the conclusion that these were a challenge and my skin got thicker.
Please don't let injudicious remarks put you off being you. You have much that's valuable to say from your view point. You have that right and it's great.
Otherwise it is inauthentic.
I like you just the way you are, like the rest of us, mixed bag of everything.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
On the intention -- I see an intention as a possibility, and perhaps a way of being. Of course, there is nothing wrong with patience. It might matter not whether your intention lights up the person you share it with, but rather whether it lights you up, or lights up your soul, or the future you're living into.
Certainly, in the midst of marital uncertainty, patience is a virtue.
If you're search for similar, but more fitting intention, you might also consider what's behind patience. If you are patient, what else is present? Peace? Tranquility? Contentment? ...
Have a great year!
Married 15, Together 17 M: 59, W: 57, SS: 28 BD: 12/21/2017 My 1st M; W 2nd M
