Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply!
Coconut, thank you for sharing about your father. I will tell you this much my friend; in my entire life, some of my favorite memories with pool are the quiet times. Sharing some table time with a friend on a Saturday afternoon. Playing some music on the jukebox. Rolling them around for a few hours and trying to scramble over the obstacles that we create for each other. Then shaking hands win or lose in that manly way where we know we just shared some deeply quality time but we don't really need to talk about it, we can just do it again in a month or two. It sounds like your father found the same peace and fulfillment I do from the game. Who knows, maybe his spirit is still racking them up somewhere in the sky and giving you a big thumbs up right now. What I do know is I'm giving him a thumbs up from here.
Ginger, yes, I know of Scott S. The pool forums I read actually featured a news feed about him potentially getting into a big money match so I learned a little about him reading that thread. It is a very cool story and I'll let you know if he wins should that match go down, or if I ever run into him on the tables.
V, Dawn, PP, always nice to hear from you. I'm not sure if I'm approaching zen or re-discovering my insanity, but either way it feels like I'm home.
I am proud to share that my US ranking just cracked the top 30. The 7-1/7-0 wins over a highly ranked world champ really moved the needle more than I expected, combined with some other good performances lately. I'm pretty excited about this.
Here's why. At the table, there is often a bully and someone that is being bullied. There is one guy that is trying to beat the other guy, and there is one guy trying not to get beat. All of my life, I've been the guy that is being bullied on the pool table. Whether it was because I was the youngest child and all of my brothers and sisters were older than me by years and always beat me at everything. Or whether it was because I struggle with belief and everyone else always looks better and more confident and stronger at the table than I feel. But I've always felt outmatched by the top players. And they often act like real bullies, sneering if I am winning, making snide comments, offering to play me for thousands of dollars, things like that.
So when I play I am not trying to beat the other players, rather my goal is to defend myself. All I want to do is to be unaffected by their attitudes and intimidation tactics, and to play on the table the way I do on my practice table at home, to treat it as just another practice session. And the most satisfying thing in the world is that even though they look like Goliath and I feel like David, when I just shut my feelings away and don't allow them to trick me into surrendering and giving up, and instead I just keep working hard, staying focused on the task at hand...all of those skills I have worked on for so long hold me up, and sometimes I look back and have wins I never would've believe I could achieve. Normally in life belief comes and success follows, but for me it's been the opposite. I grind my way to high levels and then I truly can't believe some of what's happened for me. So to see my rating climb is incredible, because many of those I'm rated next to or even above make me fearful and intimidated, yet there I stand. Very satisfying and validating.
On to books. Sunny, I think we've talked about reading to our partners before. I tried that with XW but she wasn't into it and would inevitably fall asleep on page 1 or 2 of whatever I picked up. Yes, I agree it's the most romantic thing in the world. I haven't been reading personally as much as I used to, but when I find the right page turner I can still burn an evening here and there.
Hope you guys have a great day!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I've been watching the show "This Is Us" with my mom. For anyone that hasn't seen it it's a real tear jerker. I don't know that I've seen anything that evokes more heartache. And at the center of it all is this family and how the husband dies while the kids are still young. The show flashes forward and back during different times of their lives and it is just this gut wrenching tragic loss that has monumentally impacted and shaped all of their lives. The mother who is widowed after his death eventually remarries but on the anniversary of her first husband's death she spends the day by herself and allows herself to re-experience the grief of this loss. It's clear that she was able to keep living and continue to find some joy in the world in the second part of her life, but it's equally clear that the pain is something that she'll always have to bear.
What's strange about it is that my XW chose this. The same loss that this grief stricken woman would've given anything to avoid, and my XW chose this. And I'm not alone. I'm sharing this because you are all here with me. It's incomprehensible to me. I don't think I'll ever understand it and while some part of my brain still tries to in an effort of absolute closure I am kind of glad I can't.
The other part of the show I find funny is it's humorous attempt to show a 'real gritty' marriage. Back in the early sitcom days shows like Leave it to Beaver showed outdated but very unrealistically perfect family life. Now a days shows are still doing that, but instead of showing a perfect family life with no tension, they try to show difficult tension but then the characters somehow work through it all. For example, the husband is an alcoholic, and he hides it from his wife, and when she finds out he stays on his friend's couch for a few days...but then they reconnect, she says if it's his problem then it's their problem and she's there with him, and he starts going to meetings and gets sober. The whole time he is dad of the year. There are other examples but I find it hysterical. These shows still portray Disney marriages, but now they have evolved to PG13 version to make them seem more realistic. I call BS. Realistic would've been her filing divorce, or him cheating on her with an understanding coworker, or his drinking escalating and him never seeing the children and her changing the locks and deciding to wrench full custody of the kids with a trumped up abuse charge. I guess audiences vote with their remote control and people still want fantasy.
I think it's human nature to be entitled. I told my friend the other day that I am put off by the idea of making your passions into your career. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it per se. If you can contribute to your community the most by using the gifts you are given, and simultaneously feel rewarded by success and the satisfaction of doing something well that you enjoy, great. It is when it becomes self serving that I get a bad taste in my mouth.
We are the generation where it's glamorized to find a job where you can just do what makes you happy all the time. Like someone that wants to be a life coach, so they wake up, do their yoga, hop over to the coffee shop to have a cappuccino while updating their blog, throwing an inspirational quote on their website, then going to some swank office so they can smugly advise their clients how they too can follow their passions and find the same enlightened way of living that they have.
The problem with this is it doesn't scale. If everyone followed their passion it wouldn't work. Streets need to get tarred, garbage trucks need to be driven, phones need to be answered. 7 billion people on this planet can't just pursue their passions and the world still turn. And until we reach the utopia where AI has solved everything and we can all write poetry about how painful our trouble free lives are, people that are pursuing their passions are doing so on the slave labor of the rest of society that doing whatever they need to in order to get by. They may feel like they earned their lifestyle by working hard and out competing others, but in many cases they are extremely privileged and fortunate to be the right person at the right time.
Again, I'm all about manifesting your potential, being successful, and enjoying that success. I think is should be the goal to contribute as much as possible with your gifts and then enjoy the rewards that brings, not to make your goal achieving the most rewards possible for yourself.
This is parallel to the entitlement I see in how people view relationships. People no longer work for one employer and get a gold watch retirement because they believe they are looking for the job with the ping pong table in the break room that wants them to sit in bean bag chairs to inspire creativity, and similarly people aren't ready to give up on the idea of that This is Us Marriage. The Life Coach Marriage. No one's ready to take the garbage truck marriage.
I'm a garbage truck quality guy. And most women are answering the phone quality women, only worse because they are looking for life coach lives. This is why things look like they break down.
I don't think this is a problem exactly in the sense that someone is doing something wrong, or that there's a solution. Just seems like human nature. Just posting a few of my thoughts. I don't talk about this stuff with anyone else so I'll just inflict it on you all.
Otherwise all is still going reasonably well, nothing so horrible it's stopping me from enjoying myself. I'll update more on everything else another day, take care and have a good weekend!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Many people have recommended that show to me, but I have not yet watched it.
I have written before about how hard and hurtful it is that our spouses have chosen an elective death. I think the reason I have never been able to end a relationship (even when they were unhealthy, not bound by formality and no kids were involved) was because I did not want to have to grieve. That is a really hard experience and choosing it was something I could never do. Like you, it does not make sense that others can do it. Or elect to do it. Do they value another person less? Or themselves more? Perhaps they are stronger for it. I do not know. Its just a different perspective that I do not comprehend. its cold and self serving. But maybe it would have been better for me to have been more self serving. My life would have been better. Maybe its a better trait to have for evolutionary purposes.
Regarding addiction, it is annoying when movies and books neatly tie it into that "this is us" package you described. My ex was way too high functioning to be an addict. I didnt know you could be a junkie and not be skinny and on the streets. And instead of seeking help from me or AA meetings, he just kept his secret hidden by divorcing me. But not until after he villified me and marriage. Maybe I wont watch that show now!
I like your garbage truck analogy. I think its just a matter of perspective though. There are some people that prefer and find more security in something real and tangible. There are others that prefer ease and good feelings even if they are fleeting or not real. It works when 2 people have similar perspectives maybe.
For me, marriage was symbolic of family. Meaning, sure we all have flaws but family is family and you take care of each other because of love commitment and tradition. I never expected it to be endorphin filled or disposable or life coach quality.
My thoughts turned to XW's near live in boyfriend. I have always been aware that abuse could be a threat, but the reality of the possibility takes on more meaning when she stops looking like a little girl and starts looking like a beautiful young woman. This doesn't mean the threat wasn't always possible, it just seems more conceivable somehow.
Anyway, I have zero reason to think that her mother's borderline live in boyfriend is anything but a fine outstanding citizen. Yet I don't know him at all and have no idea what goes on at XW's house. I do know that XW is a very, very protective mother.
So my question is this- should I have some type of talk with my daughter? As I type this I realize I don't have to talk to her about this man in particular, I could talk about abuse in general. I don't want to start a rumor that I'm in any way suspicious. But I want to do my part to look out for my kids. What's the best way to frame that type of conversation?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zeus, yes, you should talk to her. About abuse, about boundaries, about how she should expect to be treated in all types of relationships. But not in just one or two conversations. These are the things that come out and develop over time. After the movie or the tv show or when you see the couple at the restaurant or when you hear the news story. When you are in the car together and when you tuck her in at night. Yes, talk to her. And keep talking.
I think it is also important for kids to know that you will always believe them no matter what. They need to be comfortable confiding in you. (Boys as well as girls)
Theres a great book called Protecting the Gift that talks about predators and how to empower your kids. Highly recommended.
Something interesting in that book was how we should not teach kids to never talk to strangers when they are young.
How teaching kids to talk to strangers is important because then they get the power of picking who to talk to if they do get lost or separated. Whats more helpful is teaching them who are more likely to be safe strangers to approach.
He had other advise for older kids and women as well. How often times a female is imbreded with the idea of being nice and agreeable amd polite and how predators exploit that.
Hey Zues, this is a talk a parent should have no matter what. I totally understand why this would become more pertinent if your ex's BF is moving in, even if he is not that kind of guy. These lessons will become valuable in many situations she may as well encounter. I am also hoping your exW is having these same talks with her as her mom teaching a her daughter how to protect her body and stand up for herself.
I have known some great single dads with daughters who have felt bad that they couldn't have sleepovers for their daughters on their time. They know it's not the right thing to do. My BFF's daughter has a best friend and even though my BFF's H is the greatest guy, she still wouldn't allow sleepovers without the presence of my BFF. I leave my daughter alone with her friend at their house because they are non-blood related family.
The best thing you could od is teach your daughter boundaries with her body and that she is always safe no matter what to tell you or her mother if something she is not comfortable with happened.
