Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 7

[Verum]

I agree, reluctantly, with your NGS group. By not going, you show her what it means to be separated and/or divorced. It's tough on S14, but best option overall. You would have to explain to your son ahead of time. Also, if you have a good or cordial relationship with your in-laws (and your children's grandparents no matter what happens), then you might contact them and say, "Hi, I wanted to let you know I'm not going to attend S14's b-day dinner with you. I would like to go, but my presence will just create a tense environment for everybody and ruin his meal."

Of course it seems I'm not following my own advice because my D14 has her birthday on Wednesday and we were all discussing last night where to go for dinner. The only difference is my W and I are not fighting in the way you describe. Now I'm going to think over whether I should politely decline to go out with the family and the tradeoffs involved.

About your Sunday crazies discussion, I think others will have more to say. It looks like when she pushes your buttons you push her's back. Don't.

You could also read the thread on boundaries and maybe prepare better ways to respond.

[dusty70]

S14's birthday is this week, and STBXW took it upon herself to make arrangements for his birthday dinner without talking to me. She invited her family to attend a dinner at a restaurant (she has relatives in town, I do not). To be fair, this is what we've always done, but things are different now, and I was really p1ssed she didn't talk to me first. When I told her (via text) I was disappointed in her decision to do this without talking to me, she said she didn't realize she needed to check with me, as this is what we've always done. I asked her to check with me in the future. She told me to stop it, then she said the conversation was over since I was being "unreasonable". WTF?

H, I would just inform her that it would be best to have separate parties for the boys! I feel that your boys would be concentrating on whether you and your W are having a good time when it should be all about them on their birthdays. Have two parties or take your boys out by yourself that way they know you are 100% focused on them.

[Jim1234]

I did pretty much the same thing your W did; set up Xmas dinner with godparents without my W. She was pissed I didn't coordinate, and she was right. So are you.

That said, either step up this year and do right by your son, or do what AnotherStander said.

It sounds to me like she's crazy, but you were goading her, therefore you were both wrong.

[Holding]

Thanks to JoeJoe, AS, C'Nut, FC, Dusty, and Jim for taking the time to respond.

On the argument with STBXW, I knew I was going to get plenty of 2x4's. Y'all didn't disappoint.

<nerdmode> Ever see that episode of Star Trek The Next Generation where Worf does the Klingon Rite of Ascension? He has to slowly walk through a row of Klingons warriors who shock him with taser prods. Each time he's shocked, he falls to the ground. His goal is to get up and keep going until he makes it through. I feel like Worf right now. </nerdmode>

AS got me thinking about what my goal is. It's not saving my M. It's getting my self respect and my b@lls back. It's showing my sons that a real man does not run from adversity. I'm tired of retreating. If someone attacks a man, isn't he supposed to defend himself? My STBXW uses plenty of dirty rhetorical tricks and manipulation. I can confront them without using them. I'm not letting her intimidate me any more. I'm going to stand in her face and laugh.

Let's talk about my sons and what effect this has on them. Whether I stand up to her or walk away from an argument, she still walks around the house slamming things and snapping. There's no scenario where the kids don't know what's going on. There's no protecting them from her.

Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I do wish I hadn't called her by her maiden name, since it upset S10. I realize I could've done better and I need to find a better balance here. I need to remind myself "I love my kids more than I'm angry at her."

I'm not sure how this plays into things, but I realized the argument we had is exactly like one her parents would've had. That is what STBXW thinks a normal "argument" looks like - mud slinging and nastiness. This is probably what she wanted more of in the M.

[Holding]

On the birthday dinner for my son, I keep flip-flopping back and forth. I met a good friend last night who pretty much talked me into going with STBXW and the in-laws. He said I need to put aside all the other stuff and focus on what S14 would want. Would he want me there, like I've always been? And if things between S14 and me have been strained recently, isn't that all the more reason to show him that I'll be there on his b-day? I can go, and if things get uncomfortable, I'm free to get up and leave. What matters is that I made the effort to be there for him.

STBXW talked to me this morning in the kitchen. She was civil (I never know which STBXW I'm going to get). She said she wasn't sure if I was going to the b-day dinner, and I was free to take S14 and his brother to a separate dinner the night before. I told her I'd let her know.

So at this moment I'm leaning toward going with the in-laws. One of my mantras lately has been "Do what makes you uncomfortable".

[TBSakaJ9]

H.....I will offer my thoughts. My parents got D'd when I was in Kindergarten and it was kind of nasty. My dad didn't pay child support, my mom had a warrant out for his arrest, I would go long periods without seeing my dad, he told me my W cheated on him with my step dad, I witnessed them yelling at each other over the phone, when he came to pick me up he would always pull up in the driveway and never came in the house, etc. etc. etc.

I never knew what it was like to experience my parents together in the same room, interacting with each other in a positive manner. I also always felt like I was the peace keeper between them and really experienced severe stress the first time I knew they would be in the same room which was my wedding.

I say all that to say this.....do it for your children. Don't put them in a position to have to choose sides and feel awkward around each parent. You and your W should be able to put your differences aside and come together for special days like this. I wish my parents would have been big enough to do that for me.

Just my thoughts.

[joejoe1]

Holding,

Some of the best moments in our lives are memories of our parents. Why not take this time, try and put your pain aside and give your son a Birthday gift he can never forget. A good 14th Bday where he saw mom and dad get along just for him. Isn't that special? He will remember that memnt for the rest of his life. Don't take away a moment from your son because of something thats going on between you and your W.

Every telling you not to go, is going off the premise of teaching your W a lesson. Think about that, they are making this bday dinner about your W. What about S14. He deserves to see a strong dad. Wake up on that morning and say to yourself I'm doing this for my son. Put on your best Holding.

You have time to show your W what it will be like, but you can never get back time with your son.

Give him the bday gift he never forget, civil parents.

[LH19]

AS got me thinking about what my goal is. It's not saving my M.

Holding,
Sorry buddy but I have to call you out again. You posted the following on Artista's thread.

The WW perspective is something we definitely need more of (there's only so much Sandi to go around). I'm glad you're here.

What made you want to recon with your H? Please tell us more about that.

I'm flattered (I guess that's the right word) that you've been following my sitch. I'd love for you to stop by my thread and share your opinion.

Why would you post that if you weren't interested in saving your marriage?

[Holding]

J9 and JoeJoe, thanks for the input. You're helping me make my decision.

LH, man, why you always bustin' my chops?

But seriously, I can see how you might think this is a contradiction (and I can see how you might think what I'm about to say is a denial).

Just because I'm asking Artista about her recon doesn't mean I want to save my M. In all the recon stories I've read, the moment of the WAS having a change of heart and thinking "Wait, I don't want this" is what I've heard least about. I've always been curious about love and R's, why they work and don't work, and what makes them fail. I've certainly gained a lot of new insight on that in my sitch.

I know my M is dead. STBXW is no longer a good match for me. It's time for me to move on. I won't deny there's a small part of me that wonders about recon and saving the M, but it's not a part I listen to any more.

Is it possible in 3 years, after we're D, my XW and I will recon? Yes, but I'm still not in a place where I can see how that would even happen. Would she be able to change into a person I want in my life? Could she put aside all of her bitterness, anger at the world in general, and face her own issues? Would she be able to wipe away my memory of S10 sitting motionless on the sofa, tears slowly dropping down his cheeks, as she tells him we're getting a D? Who knows? That's the distant future and not something I can worry about right now.

My M is a burning building and I've got to get out.

[doodler]

My M is a burning building and I've got to get out.

Reminds me of Macho Grande.