One day she came home from work and told me she wanted a divorce. That she doesn't feel the same way anymore. That she loves me but is not in love with me, etc. We had a short argument. Anyhow. I totally screwed up Sandi's rules because I didn't know about them at the time.
That's OK, we all do early on!
Quote:
For about a week I've been working on GAL and have started taking night classes, wearing better clothes and cologne. Dropped a noticeable amount of weight. Working out more. Never calling her first. Doing some simple chores I know always annoyed her, yet leaving enough chores for her to do so I'm not Suzy home maker.
That all sounds fine. How long ago did she drop the bomb on you? Please understand this is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes a LONG time for a WAS to turn around. It's very unusual for it to happen in less than a year but not unusual for it to take several years. So take a deep breath and settle in. Sounds like you're doing good 180's, but you have to do them CONSISTENTLY for a long period of time for her to believe them.
Quote:
She has made comments like "Why are you making all these changes now that it's too late?" To which I just ignore her.
Just tell her "well I didn't realize the mistakes I was making, but now that I am aware of them I am working hard to fix them. I'm not doing it to get you back, I know that's not likely. I'm doing it because I want to be a better person." The thing is she thinks it's all tricks to get her back, and that if she goes back to you that you will go back to the same old stuff as before. So she doesn't trust your changes yet.
Quote:
She told me she doesn't feel safe so I told her that she needs to get her son and leave then, for her safety. I then left the house. She called and apologized for how she acted.
Don't leave the bed, bedroom or house. SHE is the one that wants out, SHE has to go if that's what she chooses.
Quote:
Does it sound like I have hope? Or should I cut losses and quit?
There's always reason to hope. Hope is a powerful force, use it.
Quote:
But she keeps wanting to get me to agree to her divorce terms. I have already told her I don't want a divorce and she will have to really think about how much she wants this. She wants to be "fair" but that just really means she wants money from selling all of our property to start over in her "new and improved" life.
Can anyone give me tips on how to converse with her regarding the divorce? I don't want to commit to anything, especially now. This is the main topic of discussion she brings up. She wants money from selling our things.
Tell her that you don't want D but if that's what she wants then you will not stand in her way. But if she has filed, then DO hire an attorney and review the papers with him/ her. If she filed then you are supposed to be served papers by the court, I'm not sure the window for your state but usually it happens pretty quickly, like within a week. Don't make her any promises about division of assets, just tell her you need to review the papers and will discuss it with her afterwards. It's up to you whether to tell her you have an L or not, some people like their spouse to know while others don't want them to know.
Quote:
Today I told her she won't get a fight from me if D is really what she wants.
Good! But...
Quote:
I also reiterated that I do not want a D and that it will never be too late to take it back.
Don't say stuff like that. You don't want to be "Plan B".
I am moving back into the MBR today.[/quote]
Great! If she moves out then fine, but you stay there.
Great tips, thank you. The reason I told her she can take it back is because in the past she has had the thinking that things are pretty permanent once you start and there's no going back. I wanted her to know that simply because she filed it does not mean we have to just go through with it because step one has been completed. I will never say it again, because obviously we started a life together and she is now backing out.
I'll never say that again. Thank you for that insight.
I am 100% sure there is emotional infidelity on her part with an OM. I am about 70% sure it has not gotten physical yet.
My prayer is that it doesn't get physical and she comes to her senses soon. However, that is probably a pipe dream.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Great tips, thank you. The reason I told her she can take it back is because in the past she has had the thinking that things are pretty permanent once you start and there's no going back.
Yeah I get that. But she knows, she knows full well that all she has to do is lift a finger towards you and you'll welcome her back with open arms. Hopefully TXHubby's thread and Benito's (unfortunately Benito suspected his GF might be snooping so he deleted all his early stuff) gave you an idea of what you need to do... your W needs to learn to miss you. As long as she knows you're readily and easily available you'll be Plan B. TXHubby's W was actively having an affair and he tried to placate her in every way possible. He groveled and begged and pleaded and promised her the world. Did she find that attractive? No she probably found it laughable. He suffered day after day until one day he woke up and said "screw this, what am I doing!!?? Why am I making myself miserable over some lying, cheating W that doesn't even care about me?" From that moment on the tide shifted. He became the man he hadn't been for quite some time. He ceased to care about his W and became 100% focused on his own awesomeness. He got out and GAL'd and didn't tell her a thing about what he was doing. THEN is when his W realized what she was losing. Not some wimpy, sniveling, desperate excuse for an H, but a strong, attractive, independent man who had his choice of women. He went from Plan B straight to Unobtainable, and suddenly SHE was the desperate one. And that all transpired while they were living under the same roof. His case was kind of extreme as far as how much he detached, if you read Benito's he took a more loving approach but it was the same philosophy of leaving his W be while he worked on himself. And that's DB'ing in a nutshell.
Quote:
My prayer is that it doesn't get physical and she comes to her senses soon. However, that is probably a pipe dream.
Sorry to say that based on the many situations we've seen come and go here over the years, it is very unlikely that she will just snap out of it quickly. It will probably take months or even a year or more. There IS a good chance you can save things, but it's a long, difficult road. I think Benito and his W started reconnecting in less than a year, 8 months or so? But that's about the fastest I've seen it happen.
As for Nice Guy Syndrome. I have a slight case when it comes to a few things, but those have been mostly corrected as of a few months ago. I made significant progress there.
I was actually doing pretty good with my personal life. Until now.
Actually today is one of the harder days I've had. It started out so promising and now I am in a dark place by afternoon. I'm really really really missing my WW right now. I have nobody else in this world who understands me, and now nobody who loves me the way she did.
I am broken. I'm losing will power to do anything.
Oh man.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Actually today is one of the harder days I've had. It started out so promising and now I am in a dark place by afternoon. I'm really really really missing my WW right now. I have nobody else in this world who understands me, and now nobody who loves me the way she did.
I am broken. I'm losing will power to do anything.
Oh man.
I know it's dark right now, believe me I know it all too well. All of us here new and old alike have lived it. You WILL make it through this. You CAN do this. It is NOT easy, not at all. Sometimes you need to take it a day at a time, and sometimes an hour at a time, or even a few minutes. But you're going to find out you are stronger and more resilient then you ever imagined. Just remember there IS hope! The chances are good that you will have a chance at reconciliation, it may not be as fast as you want but maybe this is all a lesson in patience.
Originally Posted By: Joe2017
Thank you for the reality check Stander. I needed that. I'm going to stop being available to her for anything anymore.
Just make sure not to get cold and distant, keep reading Sandi's rules over and over again as a reminder of what your approach should be:
From experience I can say that if it wasnt for the advise of AS I would not have took the path I took.
You are going to have hundreds of thoughts and questions flying through your mind and your instinct will be to try and find the 'fix' to put things right.
Truth be told.. none of it will work. Your wife now does not see you the way that you see her i.e. companion etc.. She now wants out.
So you have to let her go and focus on you. Over a long period of time (mine was 8 months) if you truly understand what you have to do, and make the mental and lifestyle changes you need to make - then your chances of recon are much higher.
If she doesn't come back you are a stronger person to experience this life on your own for a while until you meet someone else who will understand you.
