Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 7

[Accuray]

Holding,

What's going to happen if she takes something she shouldn't? Three things: (1) she will keep it forever, (2) you will get it back in the divorce settlement, (3) she will destroy it so neither of you can have it.

Unless you're worried about #3, I wouldn't worry about it. You need to inventory all the stuff you care about so you might as well do that now. If she wants to take something and you're present, what's going to happen then? Are you physically going to prevent her from taking it? If you do, she may end up with it anyway if that's how the divorce settlement is decided.

I would think that it will be much easier *for you* not to be present while she moves out. Watching this site, the problem most people have is that their spouses leave their crap behind versus taking too much, then it's difficult to get them to come back and pick up their clutter.

If there are things you think are going to be contentious in terms of who gets them, best to list that out and schedule a time to discuss it with W when the boys aren't present. If you schedule a time to do that versus springing it on her, she'll have time to mentally prepare and will be more receptive to the discussion.

Acc

[artista]

She asked me to not have the boys home during her move. I can see how it would be difficult for them to watch that happening. But I'm also very suspicious of her moving out without me being there watching, to make sure she doesn't take anything she shouldn't. Thoughts?

why doesn't she arrange to have your boys out of the house that day?

[Jim1234]

But I'm also very suspicious of her moving out without me being there watching, to make sure she doesn't take anything she shouldn't. Thoughts?

For me, none of the 'stuff' was important, only the collapse of the marriage mattered. Kind of like worrying about losing the umbrella in the trunk when your $500,000 Mercedes is stolen.....

[Holding]

Thanks for the feedback, y'all.

Is there someone who can watch the kids while she's moving out so you can be at the house?

Probably. I'll look into it.

H.....when my W moved out our kids went to a friends house and played while I stayed at the house with her.

So you stayed at the house. Are you glad you did?

Make a detailed list of the things each of you will keep and have her sign and date the list (and vice versa). That's what my XW and I did and it worked well.

One word of caution, my XW put our sons' computers and gaming consoles on her list. I called her out on that. Those things belonged to my sons so I told her they're the ones that needed to decide where those items would go. They chose to have their stuff stay with dad; what a surprise.

I like your suggestion of a list. It seems like the best way to do things. Thanks for the word of caution. We've informally agreed to something similar about the kids stuff several months back, but I have no idea if she plans to stick to that.

What's going to happen if she takes something she shouldn't? Three things: (1) she will keep it forever, (2) you will get it back in the divorce settlement, (3) she will destroy it so neither of you can have it.

Unless you're worried about #3, I wouldn't worry about it. You need to inventory all the stuff you care about so you might as well do that now. If she wants to take something and you're present, what's going to happen then? Are you physically going to prevent her from taking it? If you do, she may end up with it anyway if that's how the divorce settlement is decided.

Very good points, Acc. I've been thinking along the same lines myself. I guess I'm concerned she'll take something big and totally unexpected that would leave me in a bind, like the washing machine, fridge, or beds. I don't plan to physically get in the way at all, just observe and voice my concerns if she takes something I don't agree with.

I would think that it will be much easier *for you* not to be present while she moves out. Watching this site, the problem most people have is that their spouses leave their crap behind versus taking too much, then it's difficult to get them to come back and pick up their clutter.

You're probably right. I guess it would be easier on me. But things being easier on me isn't really a concern I can afford right now. I'm not worried about her leaving things behind at this point. I'm sure there will be some things, and I have places in the house to put them so I don't have to look at them.

If there are things you think are going to be contentious in terms of who gets them, best to list that out and schedule a time to discuss it with W when the boys aren't present. If you schedule a time to do that versus springing it on her, she'll have time to mentally prepare and will be more receptive to the discussion.

Good suggestion to schedule a time for the list. I'll try to do that. I'm just waiting to hear from my L on what she advises. STBXW hasn't said anything about a schedule to have the kids, so there are multiple issues wrapped up in this.

why doesn't she arrange to have your boys out of the house that day?

Hi Artista, thanks for dropping by my thread. Actually, I'll be out of town with the boys from the New Years holiday, and she wants me to stay out of town until she's moved out. So we'd be coming back to a house without her. She plans to tell the boys ahead of time so it won't be a surprise when then get back.

But if I come back before the move, we'll probably have someone from her side of the family watch the kids.

For me, none of the 'stuff' was important, only the collapse of the marriage mattered. Kind of like worrying about losing the umbrella in the trunk when your $500,000 Mercedes is stolen.....

Hi Jim, I get your point and can see how what I said might seem callous, like I only care about my stuff and not her. To be clear, my first reaction to the news of her moving out was a little sadness. If this had happened 6 months ago, I'd be a total wreck right now. But I've come to terms with her moving out, and I realize it'll probably be very good for me.

[TBSakaJ9]

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

H.....when my W moved out our kids went to a friends house and played while I stayed at the house with her.


So you stayed at the house. Are you glad you did?

I was not Dbing at the time and I had no proof of OM. I was on autopilot emotionally and wanted her out as fast as it could happen. So I had her move out of the house 3 months ahead of schedule and helped move her out 3 days before her original plan.

To answer your question, yes....it was some what therapeutic in some weird way. My neighbor, 1 of her friends and 1 actually moved her out. I did not want to be there because I was nervous about what she would take (truthfully I didn't give a &hit what she took). I did it because I couldn't imagine anyone else doing it. I know it wasn't my responsibility, she said she didn't love me, etc. but as her husband and head of the household I felt it was my duty to help get her set up. I was taking care of my flock. It still brings tears to my eyes .

To end I will say this......it was hard a fuching hell. Watching her move out, to be all excited about her new apt, getting it set up, watching her friend and her talk about decorating it...etc. etc. etc.

When her friend showed up I remember she was all nervous. So I said something to break the ice and her friend commented that she new I would be here because that is the kind of guy I am. Her friend, who is not emotional then broke down and started crying. I just told myself to keep my head held high and set a good example for my children.

For that I am proud.

[Holding]

J9, thanks for sharing that.

S10 is so excited about putting up Christmas decorations this weekend with me. S14 becomes S15 today, and I'm going to his dinner tonight.

This morning it snowed for the first time in 8 or 9 years here. I've never seen S10 get dressed as fast as he did this morning to run out and play in the snow. STBXW and I were outside taking pictures of him. S15 came out, and STBXW was in her car about to leave. A neighbor offered to take a picture of me and the boys, and STBXW hopped out of her car to get in the picture. Is it cynical of me to think this was just to show some kind of fake proof that we're getting along, like the time she hugged me when her friend was visiting the house? Or to show proof in court that she was involved with the kids? God, I hate that I just can't take things at face value any more.

So this holiday season is starting to get to me. We'll do Christmas morning with the kids, and I thought about getting STBXW a card. I feel like I need to reach out to STBXW to say something, but I know it would be incredibly "beta" of me just 2 weeks before she moves out.

The thing I feel compelled to say to her is "I'm sorry I didn't give you what you needed in our M." I don't know why I feel compelled to say that.

[Holding]

And now for something completely different.

I stopped at a fast food place yesterday with S10. While I was standing there waiting for our drinks, this girl who worked there walked by and TOTALLY checked me out. Granted, I was looking pretty sharp in my dressy work clothes and a nice trench coat, but d@mn, I haven't been checked out like this in YEARS. I mean, she stared at me for a solid 3-4 seconds while she walked by, and even looked me up and down. I returned her gaze with a light smile the whole time. It was a HUGE ego boost and something I desperately needed.

I just remembered, last weekend, I did ask God to show me some light at the end of the tunnel

[Jim1234]

what I said might seem callous....

.... I just can't take things at face value any more....

Not callous. Totally normal. I think I'm the weird one for not caring at all about what she took.

I hear what you're saying about not being able to take things at face value, and it suck$. We're all in the same mess, and I totally understand.

[dusty70]

H, I'm with Jim on this one as well, I don't really care what she takes outside of my kids bedroom furniture, that stuff is staying with me! I look at it this way, I can replace all the material items we have accumilated over 20+ years but I can't replace my kids love for me. That is the only thing I care about right now!

This morning it snowed for the first time in 8 or 9 years here. I've never seen S10 get dressed as fast as he did this morning to run out and play in the snow. STBXW and I were outside taking pictures of him. S15 came out, and STBXW was in her car about to leave. A neighbor offered to take a picture of me and the boys, and STBXW hopped out of her car to get in the picture.

Excited for snow??? I've had my share of snow already this year! The picture thing, my W takes pictures all the time with my kids and throws them up on FB because she needs the validation from all her "friends" that we/she has an adorable family and that she looks amazing. As I have learned that she needs this every day, this was something she lost when her dad died. Hopefully your STBXW isn't using this for anything other than taking a pic with her kids!

And now for something completely different.

I stopped at a fast food place yesterday with S10. While I was standing there waiting for our drinks, this girl who worked there walked by and TOTALLY checked me out. Granted, I was looking pretty sharp in my dressy work clothes and a nice trench coat, but d@mn, I haven't been checked out like this in YEARS. I mean, she stared at me for a solid 3-4 seconds while she walked by, and even looked me up and down. I returned her gaze with a light smile the whole time. It was a HUGE ego boost and something I desperately needed.

Awesome for you! How powerful can this be to your ego! I too have drawn this same attention lately because I allow it to happen. In the past I would never notice this because well I was married and never noticed it. Things have definitively changed and man does it feel good to get that attention. Have a great time at dinner with your S15 and a good weekend!

[Holding]

I had an okay weekend. Some good, some bad.

Friday night for S15's b-day dinner, I was nervous about how the in-laws would react to me. When I walked in I smiled, and they all greeted me with handshakes or hugs. I had some good small talk with them. I talked to them more than STBXW, and I might end up missing them more in the long run. STBXW actually got mildly drunk on margaritas and needed a ride home with me. It seems she'd planned on that since she uber'ed a ride to the restaurant.

Saturday I met with my IC, and she said I did the right thing by going to S15's b-day dinner. She confirmed that my kids' needs have to absolutely come before any issues that exist between STBXW and me.

On Saturday I took both kids to a paintball place as a little "guy time" celebration for S15's b-day. S15 was his usual noncommittal self and actually said he didn't know if he wanted to do it when we pulled up to the place. I talked him into trying it out, and we ended up playing 4 games. In the end, everyone had fun, but TBH I had the most fun of all!

Met the NGS group for a night out at a bar/restaurant. We had some great convo. I'm glad I have a group of guys I can go out with and share personal info in a "safe" place. They all tell me how bright the future's gonna be after STBXW moves out and I start to move on to future R's.

On Sunday I spent several hours helping S10 finish a school project while simultaneously fixing something on the fridge. Accomplishing 2 things really put me in a good mood. Then I brought him to his Sunday School class, and when I picked him up, the teacher wanted to talk to me. She said they'd been discussing the sacrament of M and S10 said he didn't want to talk about it since his parents are getting a D. He wasn't in trouble, she just wanted to let me know they'll give him the option to not participate in a discussion if he's getting uncomfortable. I got really upset that the D has made it difficult for him to sit in Sunday school. I felt so bad for the little guy. I got mad at STBXW for putting him through this.

Last night STBXW and I discussed the things she wants to take when she moves out. Overall the discussion was civil and productive. Her requests were mostly reasonable but there were a few things I need to think about. When I told her I was thinking about being present when she moved out, she got upset and told me not to. She said I'd be very uncomfortable watching it happen. This did have me wondering if suspected OM might be part of the moving crew. She ended the talk by saying she tried to save the M for years, and she started to cry. I was about to validate but she cut me off. She said she understood my anger with her, but she knew I would treat her with distrust as soon as she told me she wanted to D. She said I've made her feel like a criminal by treating her the way I do.

This morning has been rough for me. I wonder if I'm more responsible for the failure of the M than I've admitted to myself. That makes me feel like cr@p.

Sometimes I question whether I should stop posting here. I'm not sure I'm setting a good example for others. I'm not a good DB'er. My anger has probably been my biggest hurdle.