Hoosjim's 9th: WW, A ended(?); "All-in" or not?

[hoosjim]

So, it is quite possible, even probable that, in some sense, it was her faith that prolonged her suffering and increased the ultimate damage to the MR. Both through her inaction and in my reliance on it as a backstop that kept me from any sense of urgency to try to repair the relationship.

That is not to say I "blame" God or my W's religious faith in any way. I have a very strong faith in God and believe that He works often in ways that we do not understand but which, in the final calculus, will be to the benefit of those who are faithful. And, obviously, had my W stayed true to her faith to the end, and had I stayed true to mine (and to my wedding vows to love honor and cherish), we might be in a very different place right now.

I just find it interesting that, in terms of the place we are now, my W's faith and my own reliance on it has, for the time being, arguably resulted in our MR being in a "Worse" place. OTOH, perhaps God and God alone understood that the only hope for my W and I to get to that better place was to go through this dark valley first. That is my hope... but sometimes the valley seems very dark.

I like the idea of canceling it. It communicates that you are tired of wasting your time and money on something she is half assing her way through to keep you at bay.

LH19, there is an angry, militant, bad-a$$ side of me that really likes this idea but... I think I am just going to give her the opportunity to talk this time. My big challenge, of course, will be to bite my own tongue-- Even our MC has noted how urgent my need to talk seems to be sometime. Family trait... we always talked about everything.

[CW2017]

Hi Jim
I think faith definitely adds to the internal conflict. At my DD's first confession a few weeks back my W spent an inordinate amount of time at the candle section (very unlike her). The problem in possibly both our cases is when the W deeply internalises everything after a period of time (and I'm past the 1 year mark) that may also coincide with taking an A further underground so as to avoid detection (not saying that's happening with your sitch, mind!). My W probably rumbled I had checked (once) when I suspected our multiple MC sessions had counted for nothing (thus sending her into deep cover) but I would personally say to you to keep the sessions going at the very least for the little snippets of information that do slip out. Did your MC go into family histories as that can give a great insight into the "why" (not that that helps with the "now" of course).

[Maika]

How did the MC session go?

[joejoe1]

Update on you'll session?

[Subitai]

Inquiring minds want to know!

[hoosjim]

MC uneventful. I just laid low. MC did some self exploration exerciae,with us, I think as kind of a,segue into IC, which she is really trying to encourage W to do. The "moral of the,story" of the,exercises, if there was one, was "be,open and share your problems/thoughts/troubles" AND Don't focus on negative memories and thoughts because they take care of their own focus... we're naturally hardwired to better remember pain and trauma.

I did hear from another mutual friend today telling me W was asking her advice on IC... Sometimes W thinks sh can do it with MC, and other times not.

I also have reason to believe that at least a handful of the "suspicious things"v that have been bothering me are of no import in terms of potential infidelity. OTOH, nothing to indicate she is feeling any closer to ME.

[AnotherStander]

Jim, it just doesn't sound to me like your W is down for recon. You're trying, she isn't. She's just warming a seat in MC, she's not engaged. I think her sleeping on the couch is VERY telling. She's still checked out. I think she's just biding her time until someone "better" comes along. She can't see you as the better choice.

I also think you are committing WAY too much time and energy into breaking things down (your 14 point list, man oh man!) when the bottom line is she is STILL a WAS. At this point it's best to let things float as-is through the holidays, but I agree with LH, you need to do something different after the holidays. Get out. GAL. Stop all MC immediately. Leave your W alone. I think you need a change of heart, you need to be DONE with all her BS and start doing things for YOU. That could very well snap her out of it, but even if it doesn't, it is certainly not going to make things worse.

[hoosjim]

Well, dammit, that blows. Pretty much shoots my evaluation clean out of the,water. Pretty sure W is contacting OM again... if she ever even stopped. There's another possible explanation, but I'm not too hopeful given all the other smoke, and at any rate I'll be able to eliminate that NLT tomorrow, prolly. Merry Christmas!

[Gordie]

Hoosjim,

Finding evidence of w’s contact with OM2 was one of my christmas presents too. Try to spend time with your kids without your w. Get out and get busy. Merry Christmas to you too. Stay strong.

[sandi2]

Well, dammit, that blows. Pretty much shoots my evaluation clean out of the,water. Pretty sure W is contacting OM again... if she ever even stopped. There's another possible explanation, but I'm not too hopeful given all the other smoke, and at any rate I'll be able to eliminate that NLT tomorrow, prolly. Merry Christmas!

Ugh! Why do you do this to us........just drop a hint at something and then walk away without telling us what happened?