Sitch : 3 attempts at MC, I never did the IC I needed, only atarted IC after BD, wife connsiders any improvements after BD to be self serving and too little too late.
No EA/PA known, no substance abuse, physical abuse, etc.
Communication issues, my anger issues (controlling through anger) and her feeling like we became too mean to each other.
Separating late Jan, Bird Nesting style where the kids stay in the house and we live in a shared studio apartment when we don’r have the kids.
Currently :
She is leaving today for a week work trip. She saw the apartment we will split and said it is sad. It is kinda sad, it is a studio.
My 180s : Trying to be kinder. No muttering, passive agressive, bs that wwnt on before
IC for PTSD and Anger, dealing with divorce.
Accepting responsibility for anger issues with kids. Working on better, non angry parenting.
Telling her more about my internal feelings (i am a closed person) but trying to not make that pursuing.
Positive signs : She said she is confused, can’t even say the word D, and dies not want to make it generally known that we are Ding so we don’t have to walk it back if we change our minds... many paths open to us.
Negative signs : all positive signs are “what ifs” and she still only considera are MC to be DC. Admitting the full extent of my anger issues to myself and her scared her a bit and made her question 50/50 custody.
Whew!
Told my kids I was in IC for anger. They said I was good daddy, but I did yell too much. I said I wanted to be a better Daddy. Owned up to specific problematic anger events for each of them and appologized, hugs, I cried a bit. W was there to help the kids understand and make sure I didn’t over explain. I have a tendancy to treat them like little adults and give too much context they shouldn’t have.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
My thinking is that you should be as friendly as you can. And as open as you can about your feelings.
In actual fact control through anger is easier to shift than other issues.
I would like to see you with some directed exercise, tai chi, boxing or endurance exercise. Change in diet and exploration into your nutritional and hormonal status.
Working on these control issues is usually some derived insecurity and shift is perfectly possible. As there has been no violence on your part then shift can be made.
Let me describe what I know about shift, when shift occurs that changes a lot of things including physiology, hormone output, brain plasticity, epigenetic change. This changes things as wide as posture, skin tone, and even attitude. This is irreversible. Once you know then you will never unknow.
On your last thread you hinted that there were issues surrounding teenage incidents leading to trauma?
You also suggested that as a result IC itself was a trauma?
Are you happy to discuss it? You can say no V, that's ok, I will not be offended.
As an alternate I do have another thread relating to FOO which can be used.
At minimum we caneed explore further development as a dad.
I especially like the way you apologised to your children.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I will be friendly. I am guessing no saying ILY... but what if she says it first? Can I say it back?
I am starting Meditation and Yoga at the gym, and I am starting training for an endurance cycling event.
As for the IC trauma, when I was a teenager I was prescribed an anti depressant that caused a suicide attempt, 2 weeks in ICU, and several months of involuntary commitment. I hated the psych who did that to me and did not trust therapy at all after that. That is part of why MC failed three times before. Going to IC after the BD caused full blown panic attacks, as have a few other things that reminded me of the incident after the original panic attakc about IC. That happened in front of my wife anf MC the week after BD before my first IC session. I almost could not go to the IC or even to the MC alone to talk to her about the IC to get enough gumption up to see the IC. Both IC and MC have said this is PTSD from teenage years. I have soooooo much on my emotional plate right now.
I am finally ok at IC, and look forward to it. I want to change these problems.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
That's great! See? You're making progress. We're all here because of marriages, but it seems like the solutions all just come down to making ourselves better at life.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Do you love W? If she says ILU then yes it's ok to say it if you feel it.
Your W doesn't appear in any way wayward. She is a walker so be authentic be you.
If one of your issues was not expressing enough then this is a 180 for you. Not saying it is same old same old. Don't go overboard though, respond at about 80%.
You had a paradoxical response to the Meds given to you. I can understand how that is PTSD.
Anxiety attacks won't kill you, although they are truly horrid. They are also embarrassing and in some cases shaming. It's ok and you are through it!
Excellent, excellent, excellent.
That's wonderful to read, a real challenge overcome.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I love her. Without a doubt I do. I just don’t know how to win her back without driving her off.
We have hd much better talks, but still not as much about her. I will continue to be open about my emotions and thoughts, but try not to pish them on her. Maybe I should write a letter for her to read when she gets back.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
Maybe I should write a letter for her to read when she gets back.
I suggest write the letter, but put it away and think about the pros and cons of actually giving it to her. Maybe review the DB book again and think about what are your goals, 180s, etc and see if the letter fits into those plans.
