To my W, love can come and go, and you can do nothing about it. If this is the worldview of a WAW, then there is no sense in "trying" because you cannot change love or the MR.
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In the WAW's perspective, not having ended the MR sooner and sticking around was 'trying'
Both really good points. I believe my W believes something along those lines about love. One time she said to me she should've tried harder. To which my thinking was, when did you actually try because this is the first I am hearing about it.
Not at all discounting my faults in the MR, but this is largely about her and not me. Let's see how any future 'butterflies in your stomach' love business goes for her. Sorry, some anger and resentment still, but I am working it out of my system.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/09/1808:20 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
My W actually stated that when the love was "gone" there was no way for it to return. Once the flame is out it can't be relit.
This is complete non-sense in my opinion, but in order for the flame to be relit the W needs to want to do so.
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
I think this whole "flame" mentality is pretty widespread. It explains how some people can suddenly change. It all boils down to them not "feeling" the MR any more, and that's where they feel justified in throwing in the towel.
My STBXW was big into romance novels. I wonder how much of a role that played in her seeing love as a feeling.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I see no real evidence of her 'trying' during our marriage. When I think of 'trying', I think of a concerted effort by both people to address issues in the marriage. For this, these issues have to be put out in the open.
'Trying' is not some covert black ops where one party is trying to do something behind the scenes without the other person knowing. That is one person doing things with whatever mind reading they're doing about the other person.
What I am upset about is that she didn't ever bring up any issues during the MR - and I have wracked my brains to remember any conversations about any issues and I can't recall any - and then suddenly just doing BD and not even wanting to 'try' to salvage the relationship.
Them 'trying' in the background is not 'trying' when the LBS has no idea what the issues are and cannot contribute to a truly collaborative effort. Marriage is not a one-way street.
This is SO TRUE. And also fully applicable to my situation. What is worse for me was that in my situation there were no obvious issues in the marriage. Up until 1 week before BD we were still holding hands, walking on the beach and kissing each other like a young couple in love. Was this a mask? Fake behaviour? I may not ever know.
If my W had been more clear about her intentions then a lot could have been done. She just tells me "I believe you really don't get it". "You don't understand me". But gives no further explanation as to what it is that I should understand.
Originally Posted By: FastCars
What my W has never done is accept that any of her behaviors contribute to the health of our MR.
Why do our WAW not try? I suspect my W and many others feel they are already good partners in the MR and all the problems are due to their spouses (us). Whereas I feel I have grown and become a better partner, my W has not changed that aspect in these five years.
I remember during reconciliation a conversations with my W and she said a MR should NOT be work -- "it just is". She really believes that a MR is good just because the partners love each other and it shouldn't take any effort. To my W, love can come and go, and you can do nothing about it. If this is the worldview of a WAW, then there is no sense in "trying" because you cannot change love or the MR.
So, I do agree with you that our WAS have not really tried to identify issues in the MR and address them. I believe the reason is they have a very different worldview. Cadet has said "love is a choice", but the WAW doesn't believe it is a choice. To the WAW, it either exists or doesn't exist.
In the WAW's perspective, not having ended the MR sooner and sticking around was 'trying'.
Again so much TRUTH in this post. Totally the same as to what my W thinks. Love exists or it doesn't and the WAW feels the love has gone therefore it can't come back. She does not see love as battery that can be recharged only as a candle that reaches the bottom and can't regrow..
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
My STBXW was big into romance novels. I wonder how much of a role that played in her seeing love as a feeling.
Also totally recognisable. My W bases her thoughts of an ideal MR upon what she reads and watches. Hundreds of romantic novels and when she watches Netflix it's always a romantic drama.
When the butterflies are no longer there the "love is gone". Well hello sunshine, people that are several years or decades into a marriage will no longer have butterflies. Love matures and becomes deeper, richer. You will evolve into a person that will do anything for their spouse and love them for who they are, not how they make you feel.
I think a common trend in WAW's is that they want the teenage love feeling to continue into perpetuity which is not a realistic expectation of a grown up marriage.
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
