Of course you both are entitled to your opinions, and I respect that, which is why I try to keep my words kind, to ANYONE on here, even if I disagree.
The reason I reacted so strongly to your post, J, was the biting, snarky way you put your opinion out there. You yourself just said above, that you could care less what Blu does..... maybe that's the difference. You don't care (your words) and I do.
Yes, I have read and followed, and posted, and supported Blu, and I will continue to do so, regardless of her life decisions, and whether I agree with them or not. But I hope I never come at ANYONE on this board with an attitude of unkindness.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Wow. Riveting and insightful Blu. I admire your bravery and honesty in telling us about the process by which you are falling for this other man. I think that you are right to follow your heart and I also think that part of the reason why the M hasn't worked is because your H hasn't fully let go of what he did to you, making the basis for the continuation of the M one of sadness. A tepid, forced relationship because it's the "right thing to do". Instead of owning what happened, forgiving yourself and moving forward in a positive direction, with positive energy. You have given me a world of insight into my own situation Blu. I thank you and I wish you the best.
Any updates Blu? It's been coming up on three weeks since we've heard from you. Hope you have not left or gotten scared away.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I second Don here. Your journey and insights have been extremely valuable. I also hope that recent events and the turns in your life and the reactions to it haven't caused you to leave for good. I hope you come back and share more.
Thank you for checking on me. Needless to say, I do not visit here much these days. Partly because I am not currently wanting to save my M and also because I don't know how good it is for me. Coming here often keeps me in a negative thinking loop: this M is broken and I need to fix it. That does not draw me closer to my H, but perpetuates the stress and sadness. I also don't like the attitude that is so pervasive on these boards that the LBS is the victim and that the WAS/WAW is the perpetrator (the MLC, the alien, wayward, cheater, fog, selfish, "typical behavior," etc) and all the negative connotations and labels we put on them to demonize them. I would much rather understand and empathize, because my goal, whether I save my M or not, is to truly forgive my H.
Part of what has pushed me away from my M over the last couple years has been the "working on it" and those constant reminders that it is indeed broken. Even when we got towards the end of the Retrouvaille program, I found myself more and more thinking, "why are these couples still together?" Some of them outlined multiple types of abuse, however prided themselves on sticking it out. While I don't judge them for doing what is right for them, I did begin to question where my own bottom line is. My personal goal is not to save my M at all costs, but it is to want to save my M and love him for who he is, despite our hardships.
Also, when I read threads here, including my own, I feel that some of the posters are judgemental and preachy. I don't think that type of shaming really serves anyone in a positive way. In fact, I am reading a book on shame that has been insightful, and what I am getting from it is that those that shame others, do so because of their own personal feelings of fear and shame. One of the ways we can "shame proof" ourselves, is by understanding others and by being truly empathetic. So I hope that no one here feels that I have judged/shamed them, but that I have offered advice that is sound and helpful, even if buried in a 2by4. If not, I will be more mindful of doing so as I move forward. I hope others will as well. It is not our job to come here with our own moral compass and force others to follow it.
I don't have much to update, because as I said before, I am not in a space where I want to save my M. I have communicated this to my H over the last couple months. Things have been difficult at times. I also have freed myself up of the burden of having to constantly work on this M. I think for the first time I am really learning what it means to 180 and GAL, and I am starting to really enjoy that. I am starting to love doing things that I never thought I could before. I have less depression and anxiety, and I feel more clear headed. I keep hoping that if I can continue on this path, I will chose my H out of my own free will. I want to chose him from a place of strength and happiness, and not out of fear and desperation.
Unfortunately, when kids and finances are involved, things are not so simple. If we decide to physically separate, that will be a challenge and take a toll on all of us. That is the part that makes me the most sad. I know things cannot continue as they are right now, but I also am still not sure how they will look moving forward. Now that I am emotionally detaching from H, I am starting to see him in a different lens. He is wonderful actually. I wish that I could feel differently about him and I hope that I do one day.
In terms of OM, well as I think I said before, that does not have much significance to me. He was a reminder that I am still desirable, sexy and fun, and that attraction is not something that I have felt in a long while. We really can be attracted to others, we are all human. So it ran hot quickly, and then it ran cold even more rapidly, and that is okay. We really don't cross paths much anymore, but I consider him a friend, and maybe a guy I will always see as hot/exciting/unattainable? I dunno actually. I chalk it all up as a part of the learning. Now that I have let go of the death grip on my M, I am finally starting to learn valuable things about myself. For the one millionth time, I wish I had done this starting from BD! ... But it is never too late. I am not going to sit and dwell on my M anymore, I am going to live my life ...
I hope everyone has wonderful holidays! It is okay to put all the hard feelings, anger and sadness, on the back shelf for a bit and just enjoy a moment. Or few. And then more than a few.
Cheers, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Well said. Thank you. I have been a shamer of my H in the past. But the last month I have truely started becoming more empathetic towards him and his situation. I am seeing my self for the valuable person I am now I too wish I had seen that earlier. I wish you the very best in your future.
Thanks for coming back Blu! Great to hear from you. I have some questions and maybe you can share some of your thoughts about it.
Is there something your H can do right now that would make you feel differently about the M in a positive light?
It sounds like you're really trying to come to a place of empathy for your H to forgive him, but do you see if that can lead to a path for you to be able to accept him and the past and salvage the M?
How has your H reacted to you being in this place where you're not sure about the M and its future?
Is there anything more your H can do to make amends for his past choices?
