Well, I wanted to come here and address several of your posts, but something has changed. With a very heavy heart, and many tears, I must say goodbye. At least for now. My H found my thread and has been reading it. Perhaps he has been reading all along? I don't know, but I feel vulnerable and completely betrayed by him. Again.
I started posting after he came back. I never told him about the book, the name of the site or my username, and I asked him to please respect that I am a part of a private and supportive community. I used private browsers and I deleted my history. I must have slipped up somewhere along the way. I have naively been opening up here, as if he would respect that privacy, and I realize that was foolish of me. This is not the first time he has snooped and I am starting to question if I have been giving him far too much credit overall. There have been many times he he has done this, including while he was with OW.
I am not sure if I am writing this to all of you or to him right now. He says he will no longer read it, but I don't believe him. I feel as if he has taken my diary and can access all of my private thoughts. I feel like I just found out a neighbor has been looking through my windows. Did he see my yell at my kids? Did he see my naked? I just have this awful pit in my stomach.
I have been crafting this long list of reasons this M is dead and it's time to move on. I have been doing that for some time now. I actually came up with this list in my mind of all the reasons to leave. Right now though, I just don't feel safe. I feel uneasy and nervous. I have this sick feeling in my stomach like I did when he was gone. He spent the night at his parent's last night, but this time, he took my privacy with him ...
I am not going to list out for you why this M is dead. In fact, there are several things I have not shared with you about him. I wanted to be able to accept these things and these were things I knew about him before the M fell apart. But what is it I have been saying to you all along??? Let them go. Don't focus on them. Focus on you. I know that I too have made a lot of mistakes and need to improve!
The difference now, if we do split, is that I am not afraid to be alone. I don't need him to be okay. Yes, things will be hard. This will mostly be very hard on our kids and our finances. But hard on me? I don't know about that. This feeling right now, of not having privacy and feeling nervous and untrusting, seems far worse than being alone. If there is one thing this community has taught me, it is that I will be just fine. I am stronger than I know.
And to all of you that want to bash your S and focus on them, I am sorry I said that and I will not judge you. Bash away. I feel like that too sometimes. I feel like that right now actually! But we must all reach a point where we value ourselves more than that. We must put our own needs, wants, desires, and integrity first. We must be our own pillar of strength and love if we want to offer it to others. I think I am getting better at that.
And we must have patience--patience with ourselves and others. So even if my coworker doesn't love my intention, it is mine. So I am going with it. I am going to try and have more patience with this process and more patience with my life. I know I have the power to make a lot of things happen, but do they always feel like the right things in the aftermath? Sometimes we just need to exercise patience and let life unfold as it should. Or as it will.
I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now, but I don't think they will serve me. I am not going to sit and dwell on what was or what should be. I am going to dust myself off and go about my day. I am going to let patience into the drivers seat and put the rest away for just now. I know I have made a lot of mistakes too. I hope to learn from them. I am going to start today by not making those mistakes and then tomorrow I will try again. I think that's all I can do.
So goodbye friends. I hope this isn't goodbye forever. You all have given me so, so much. You guys believed in me, you trusted me, and I have learned so much about myself, the good and the ugly. ... and if you want to leave a message for my H here, or maybe a middle finger, be my guest!
Much love and patience to all in 2018, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I can't say what your H's motivation is, but I know when I snooped on my W after BD it was because I was trying to find answers and gain some insight. I can completely understand why you feel violated, it is a breach of trust. But ashamedly I admit I could see myself having done the same just to try and understand what my XW was thinking and going through.
Your journaling has been insightful because 1) it has helped me to understand what my XW may have been thinking and feeling and 2) I went through some of the same experiences as you as far as fighting for my M initially and then later questioning what I was fighting for and if it was worth it. I hope you can find your way back here under a more anonymous handle so you can continue giving counseling to others, but regardless I wish you the best in whatever you do!
Awww, BluWave, I am so sorry... I understand that nervousness... the uneasy, unsafe feeling... you are good... You have been introspective and have done the hard work, and you continue to do the work, even though it is difficult, uncomfortable... Most people would have stopped and said, "good enough," once reconciliation started... But your contuing your personal growth says so much about you... You have chosen the road less traveled... And you will find, along with our good friend Robert Frost, that it has, indeed, made all the difference...
Sorry to see you go Blu! Thank you for sharing with us what you could share and I have learned immensely from your insights. You have a great way with words.
I am sorry that your situation has taken this turn. I wish you all the best. I will leave you with one of my most favorite poem verses that gets me through every day right now - I am translating it into English as best as I can.
Make your 'Self' So Resilient and Strong That before Fate Comes Knocking The Creator will Ask You "Tell Me; What is is That You Desire?"
Perhaps reading your posts actually helped him to piece? Reading your posts as though an observer, may have made some type of break through with him. IDK, and I realize you feel your privacy has been violated.
If this had happened before you had grown so dissatisfied with the piecing, and before the flirty interaction with the OM started.....would H's snooping have been the deciding factor to leaving the MR? Only you can answer that question, and if you already have a list of reasons why things wouldn't get better.....well, only you can make a decision what is best for Blu. Maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back.
When you discovered your H had read your posts, did it hurt your pride for him to have access to see what you had said about him, describing your pain, etc.? When I think of someone reading my diary, I think of being embarrassed that they could read my most private thoughts. When I first joined the board, my H found my threads.....and I was still a WW, trying to decide what to do. Under the circumstances, however, I didn't feel there was much I could say.
I wish you health and happiness, Blu. Most of all, I wish you peace.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am so sorry. I can only imagine how invaded you must feel. I wrote on here because i felt a strong need to express myself to others that understand and are undergoing similar experiences but in a completely anonymous platform.
That being said, if my ex was ever posting about our marriage on a public forum I would definitly read. I would want to understand better, since we were never able to communicate any other way.
I realized a while ago that my ex would have had absolutly no interest in reading my posts, as I gladly would have openly communicated them. He just would never have wanted to waste his time on understanding me. I can confidently state that.
Blu, I want to first say that I'm glad to have met you here. You have a way of expressing yourself through words that resonated with me, and I was always routing for you.
However, you've changed, I see in you similarities to my ex after the ILYBNILWY speech.. I will again say, it doesn't matter to me if you hurt your cheating spouse, but I feel like you've changed.
If you were honestly giving 100% to your M, I can't imagine there is much that you've said here that you haven't said to your spouse, but if there was, then I wonder if you were really trying to reconnect.
I wish the best for you, whatever that means for you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
While i do not post often, i have kept up with all of your threads and have always appreciated your honesty and insight.
To be honest, i am a bit upset at some of the posters that have been making innuendos that you are like some of the walkaway females that are written about om these boards. The ones that lie and cheat amd leave their kids.
I dont know if it is sexism at play...you are supposed to be the good girl, true and faithful amd forgiving after having been put through a quite hellish betrayal. Or if people have just become way too black and white in their views of marriage..save it at all costs.
I am a supporter of marriage but my boundary has always been an affair. You wrote similar in your old posts. Despite this boundary, you opened yourself up to piecing and reconciliation. Just the fact that you were open to something you were so against shows you gave it youre all.
Its not just the affair. Its the gaslighting and cruelty that goes along with it. Its damaging in so many ways.
Whatever you decide, its youre journey. And i truly wish the best for you.
I am going not going to dance around here. I'll get right to the point here:
You are a f*cking idiot to read Blu's threads and YET still walk away from a true, genuine gem. It is your loss. You'll spend the rest of your life kicking your own ass for walking out on Blu.
You don't deserve her after all she's been through for you, the M, and the family!! Such a graceful soul who's walked through the fire for you and this is what she gets in return from you??!!! Blu will find another man who will treat her with love, honor, and utmost RESPECT that you're seriously lacking in your own department.
