New LBS dealing with WW (Part 5)

[Salazar]

Well, several things you're missing. She actually filed 1 week after BD.

I tried to work on an in house S but that went horrible due to her constant gaslighting, abuse, triangulation, and putting our kids in the middle of it all. She would call OM and leave his gifts around the house for me and the kids to see and hear. No respect from her for anyone else, even her own son.

I did a bang up job of boundaries and general DB. GALed like crazy, kept my 180s. Set hard hard boundaries. Did everything I was supposed to do. But once she started to manipulate our kids to get under my skin and gaslight me, I had enough. She crossed the line there so I left.

Am I done? Yeah. There's nothing left for me in my MR. It's over, and my W is not who I married.

Am I over this? No. Would I recon at this point... Maybe if I felt that the WW fog had been lifted.

I had to step away from her. I did it with dignity, poise, honor, and class. I'm not ashamed of this any longer. I had to protect the kids from her abuse.

It was a calculated decision.

Joe,

I think that is a very helpful clarification/distinction. You are done with the M as it currently stands. You have drawn a line in the sand and realized that you are not willing to live with your WW. From what I have read here, a WW will not change overnight or even over the course of a few months, even if you 180 and truly improve. The fact that you may be open to the R, if serious changes are made on her end, tells me that you are on the right track. In some of your early posts, you mention the possibility of a rebound, due to loneliness etc. By no means should you put your life on hold, but I would caution against adding in any new love interests at least for the time being. I know you already know that, but in the grand scheme a few months is nothing in comparison to the years you have been married. Focus on you and your son for now. I'll be watching!

[Joe2017]

The one I am most concerned with is S14. Is there anything that can be done?

What does L say?

There was another Joe here who managed to save his SS and his SD, as well as his joint children with WW. That was because WW crossed state lines though and it was going to be very disruptive.

Would you have S14 live with you if you could?

V

V! I missed you!

You know that I love that boy as my own son. I'm 200% sure I'd take him with me if I could. Unfortunately, there would have to be some serious neglect brought up to authorities before it would even become a remote option.

L says I have no rights to him at all.

I pray for a resolution to the situation that involves sanity for WW, for everyone's sake.

[Joe2017]

Salazar:
You are right, a few months is nothing. I truly tried everything I could, but I know the timeframe has been short. WW continued to increase her cruelty towards me. It became too much for my kids to bear. I could handle it all. All of it, I could take it. The abuse, the name calling, the mental torture, the debasement, the gaslighting. But my two kids were watching all of this. They understood what was going on, but they didn't deserve to be thrown in the middle of it all.

After WW denied S14 Chinese food delivery (his absolute favorite) solely due to the fact I bought it, I knew I had to make a change.

Look, the fact is she is a different person. She has abandoned everyone that meant anything to her before she flipped out. For what? OM? Some bullsht new "BFFL" that is living vicariously through her? Guess what WW, they are both going to drop you when you're no fun anymore. When you lose your job and your home and what little stability I left behind... Then what? I feel bad for S14 but at some point I had to realize I couldn't be there for him anymore. She removed me from his life as best she could. That was not my fault. That I did everything right, even leading up to BD.

I'm thankful I won't be there for the nuclear meltdown... But I left the door open. I let S14 know to lean on me if he has to. I left him clear plans to get help from me or other family in case of complete implosion by WW. I left the door open for WW too. If any vestiges of W remain in her warped mind, she knows. She knows I've always been there for her 300%. She knows I'm safe. She knows I have love for her, despite everything.

If she wants to ask for forgiveness and work on R then ok. We can start from the bottom again. Until then, I'm detached. Despite the fact that she hasn't detached from me.

I am actually doing better than her! She has gone off the deep end. Very heartbreaking to watch.

[Vanilla]

Joe

It's ok but it's heartbreaking.

The devastation of this type of abuse is awful. I know this, truly I do. I left the G because of it. It is so so damaging. Every bit of it.

You may have lwgacy PTSD as the target. If your pattern is typical then relief will follow quickly as you breathe and see that you are released. Then a strange sort of memory loss occurs as if this didn't happen. That's when you will need these posts on this site, to remind you. It's called abuse amnesia, a way your brain negates trauma with dissociation. Not to be confused with detachment as it seems like it is.

WW has her ego running the show and she has shown who she is. The path to the ugly begins, recently Cherry said something amazing she said her WH was a good looking man but he was now ugly. His living conditions had deteriorated as he decompensated. That is the point you can step in for S14. This is truly awful for you all, I own this T shirt of being abused. Recovery is slow but continuously moving forward.

The worst knowledge of all for me was to know that the G behaviour was deliberate to achieve control and my sense that he had won. For a very long time I replayed everything in my mind over and over, if I had done X or Y? And I bought the G abusive view of me too, I sense you see WW at this stage as the abuser. I didn't and sadly this continues with periods of self doubt. At least once I was fooled back into R and promises of reform. It wasn't reform and the next round was worse. To start with I felt the OW9 (BIT) wasn't a target too, although now I see it different.

Kathy Krajco says abusers fear the 'knowing look' more than anything else. Being able to look straight into the eyes of the abuser and they know you can see the malevolence inside, is destructive to them. For a long time I felt that by leaving I had let the G win, I went back and finally in one grand finale he left. The G likes abuse, likes to blame as like all abusers they need to blame and abuse to avoid looking within. The karma of this is that they can not look inside themselves and reflect and grow. The beauty for the LBS is that we can. I say beauty because there is a phenomenon called post traumatic growth which for adults is a gift that will create true knowledge.

In the end it is always the LBS that lets go and you will see the ugly. As the target of abuse you are likely going to be repulsed. I wish you peace and more than that I wish you anger. Good motivating Zues style anger, that really helps.

WW denied her own son his favourite food? truly this is abuse of her own child, which is horrific. I am sad he can not be with you and S16. Also my apologies in an earlier post I confused the two young men.

You didn't say but does S14 have a father in this?

I am including this mite in my prayers, and hoping beyond hope that things will go well for you and S16.

V

[Joe2017]

V:
No, S14 does not have a father other than me. This sitch is terrible for him the most. I feel like a bad father for leaving him behind but legally I had to. I had to realize I had to leave them both in order to help S14. It really did destroy my emotions over the weekend, but my week started better.

WW left me alone for about a day before she started temp checking me. Phone calls and TM that have gone unanswered by me.

She wanted me out of the house. She got it. She wants a D. She's getting it. She is getting everything she wants but she is not happy at all. She is very angry and is still blaming me even though I am not there.

I did get a text that had a tone that was different, a tone that showed her personal despair a bit more than I expected. She is having financial issues and can't handle her bills. She knows better than to ask me for help at this point. I am continuing to pay my fair share of expenses, of course. But I'm not going to bail her out.

She has realized that I'm moving on and that I am not willing to be friends so she used S14 and told me that he twisted his ankle and needed some medicine. I did not respond because she is perfectly capable of taking him to the clinic, which she should have done in the beginning. This created a series of rage messages that were on cue. Very sad.

I'm watching her fall on her face, and every instinct I have says that I should help her. However due to this community, I know the truly loving response is to let her fall as part of letting go. She must come to the realization that SHE created all of this before she can recover to a stable state for herself and S14.

If she can do that, there may be a chance for recon. If not, then there never will be a chance for MR version 2. I don't have much time as far as MR version 1 goes... We will likely be settling this in mediation within the next month or two. WW is supposedly getting the house ready for sale.

Meanwhile I'm still GAL and making plans for me and S16 to have a good future. I hate how this ended up but I'm not defeated. I have done a considerable amount of introspection and made tremendous strides using DB principles. I will miss my old life but it's time for something new.

It's too early to know if my sitch is a "failure" at recon. But I do have to let go before any other parts of LRT have a chance of taking effect. I just have to keep moving forward with my life.

[Subitai]

Wow. Looks like the separation at least got things 'unstuck' for her. Who knows how this is going to go, but you seem like you're steady and doing well. I am so sorry about S14. That has to be awful.

[Surfer]

Hey Joe (as Hendrix once said!),

I have had to dip out to sort D stuff. Apologies!

So, catching up, you seem to be at the stage of feeling sorry for kids and for this mess (for you and all involved).

Just remember, that by being the best version of you is the only answer. You will find peace in that and I can start to see that. That shows you are on the right path. Keep on that path. These feelings will go. You will also stop questioning her motives, why she is ......etc. You have to focus on being the best you and the best parent. The kids see this and so will you looking back.

Only when you rebuild your happiness will you find peace. Sounds very "cliche'd" but it is true.

She will not stop blaming you, but that is re-writing history in part. It was/is her choice to behave this way so try not to overthink it.

You will get there mate. Just keep moving, keep a level head. Be a fair and good man but remain objective and fair at all times.

You will get into a rhythm of filtering her conversation. Mostly into the 'this is probably bullshit' box. Just take what she says and does as bullshit - but just stay plain in your responses (indifferent) and you will learn your reaction through habit. That will deflate her attempts to temp test and if she does you will not feel the pavlovian response that you had before. You will create a new pavlovian response - neighbour etc.

You have this. Now just secure your own happiness and spend time being good company with the kids. All they need is time and attention and good meeories in your company now.

Been there. You will be absolutely fine and soon you will feel relief (which I expect you are starting to feel). Then, you will feel like the old you again.

Try not to overthink Joe. Keep busy and keep going.

Do me a favour and recognise that there are people that don't learn that change comes from within. They keep getting on the roller coaster, the arguments etc. They massively damage the kids. What you are doing is changing and I promise you are protecting them better than you really understand. So give yourself a massive pat on the back. They will see you as a hero. You never need to apologise for that.

Surfer.

[Joe2017]

Surfer:
Thanks for checking in on me. I am doing OK. I still have a few episodes of self doubt and self pity here and there. It is becoming easier to deal with.

The temp checking is always sad because I am always hoping beyond hope that she will say the magic words "I fcked up". But I know in my heart I will probably never get that from her. It is still a heartbreaking experience for me. I still feel like I was disposable to her.

However, I am recovering... I am getting at least some relief from the physical S. I hate how this happened but I know it is for the best. I am still doing GAL things all the time.

I'm in a better place emotionally but I am still sometimes hit with panic or intense sadness. It is becoming easier to live with the truth, but I still have this need to understand what is not understandable. Hopefully I can take your advice and not over think things.

It's been insanely sad for me to watch her deteriorate like this.

[MoveFrwd]

I truly tried everything I could, but I know the timeframe has been short.

So maybe now is a good time to try 'patience'.

Im not staying to stop what you are doing. But maybe stop taking such a hardline 'the R is dead' stance and just focus on being the best dad you can for your kids and on getting yourself healthy again. Let W do what shes going to do for a while.

This time you have is a gift, even though you dont see it now. Dont rush through it just to get to the end faster.

[Joe2017]

I appreciate the sentiment!

Unfortunately, I'm not the one rushing. WW filed almost immediately after BD, and now I'm a couple weeks away from mediation. I'm trying to be as realistic as possible.