New LBS dealing with WW (Part 5)

[MoveFrwd]

Unfortunately, I'm not the one rushing. WW filed almost immediately after BD, and now I'm a couple weeks away from mediation. I'm trying to be as realistic as possible.

.....so.....?

My comments have nothing to do with the physical separation of your assets. Take the time now to focus on whats important. Your mental and physical well being and the lives of your sons. Try to de-emphasize your W and the relationship you have with her for now.

The way you are talking about the end of your R with W and your dropping of the room sound to me like you are trying to convince yourself to let that happen. Like if you say it enough and with enough emphasis, that it will be true. Emotions are pretty high right now, and the calculus you are using to think and to make decisions is jaded by that. Give yourself some time to breathe, to grieve, to grow, and to learn.

[petri]

Joe. I've had multiple Bds. Separation happened in September, w filed in October(to get a deadline for our M?) and told me couple weeks later after filing that this is over, done, caput and finito. And a month after that I found this place. Too late? Possibly. But after all you have to remember that marriage is merely an institution. It can be taken down but it can also be rebuilt. That's why I'm not that afraid of D. It's going to hurt, it's going to hurt like the fire below but it's NOT the end. Keep it up!

[Verum]

I truly tried everything I could, but I know the timeframe has been short.

So maybe now is a good time to try 'patience'.

Im not staying to stop what you are doing. But maybe stop taking such a hardline 'the R is dead' stance and just focus on being the best dad you can for your kids and on getting yourself healthy again. Let W do what shes going to do for a while.

This time you have is a gift, even though you dont see it now. Dont rush through it just to get to the end faster.

I agree with patience. Focus on yourself, your physical, mental, and emotional health. Now that you are separated it should be a little easier to do that. As far as the D process, take your time and make each decision deliberately. I'm not suggesting outright delay tactics, only that you do not need to be in a rush even if the W is.

[Joe2017]

I get what you guys are saying. I am working on myself, and yes it is such easier being separated physically. I'm healing as fast as possible, in other words slowly.

I am not going to hold onto false hope. I'm just waiting for all the processes to play out. The D processes, the WW processes, the healing processes...

Meanwhile I'm just going to GAL and spend time with the kids.

I'll try to be more patient. I know my sitch is less than 3 months old.

[Surfer]

Joe,

I think it is wise to just try and live for today still. Kind of let things happen and accept them. You are of course doing this, but people are just trying to get you to see that being patient and kind to you and working on your healing and being the best person you can be for you and the kids is it. One of the reasons this is good is that it no doubt helps you take stock, so you can accept where you are at each point in time. That way you will look back much less and say 'why' and blame yourself. You will of course do this and feel sad of course. But in time the frequency of these feelings fall away much, they may never go in total, but they will hardly be there hopefully soon. Already you have reduced your anxiety and roller coastering massively. Keep on going mate. You are doing very well. Leave her to mess up her side of the street, stay focused on yours.

Surfer.

[winner]

Are you seeking for reconciliation still?

[Joe2017]

Surfer:
I'm doing my best for me and my boy. I'm no longer allowed to contact S14 so that was a bummer but WW is still definitely in "the fog". She has TM multiple times for me to call her because she has important things to talk about but when I responded back it all ended up being trivial stuff that did not need to be a phone call.

So, the temp checks continue. It's very odd coming from someone who used to be so rational. It's really like she lost a lot of her sanity over the past couple months. She is not a logical person anymore.

I've been taking this time away from her to heal as much as possible. I'm trying to just embrace the feelings of sadness and lonliness. It has been difficult but I'm adjusting. I know I need to be in a better place mentally and emotionally before I see her again at mediation. Physically I'm fine. I'm stronger than I've been in years and I shed almost 50 pounds. Don't worry though, I'm eating fine. Just eating better than I have for a while.

I'm getting there. Been spending a lot of time with old friends and making new connections as much as possible. I'm starting to see that the road ahead is not too bad. I have accepted that the marriage is over and my wife is gone. I have NO desire to be married to WW. She would have to do a lot of her own 180's to convince me that I should give her a second chance.

I'm ok. I'm very proud of myself for being so dedicated to DBing and my 180s. I think that I did LRT nearly perfectly starting less than 3 weeks after BD. Of course I had all of you wonderful people here to help me get to where I am today.

I could not have done anything more, nor could I have tried harder to save the MR.

Abohn:
I'm not seeking reconciliation. That would imply that I have some kind of control over WW's waywardness, and I don't. I just have to let go of it all and focus on myself and my child.

[AnotherStander]

^^^That is a fantastic post Joe, you have grown a ton since coming here! Keep it up brother, you are doing great!

I'm trying to just embrace the feelings of sadness and loneliness.

That is exactly the thing to do. Sure they are unpleasant feelings but they are VALID feelings and we need to accept them as part of our range of daily/ weekly/ monthly emotions and not try to fight them or make them go away. We have a saying in Crossfit (which I have to tell myself nearly every workout)- "embrace the suck." Sometimes you just know a big ol' heaping helping of "suck" is being plopped in your lap, and almost always the best approach is to smile and make it your b****

[Surfer]

Joe

AnotherStander is right. You kind of have to embrace it. More accept it. You are doing that and you are right to be proud of yourself.

Keep going mate. Very proud of what you are doing.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

I read this. It’s about narcissitic behaviour. I don’t agree with the label per se. But read it. Below. Forget the label.

“Narcissists and other personality disordered abusers lie. They lie about big stuff and they lie about little inconsequential things like buying milk at the market when they bought Kombucha. They also gaslight, which is a special kind of lying in which they deny things they say or did, even when you've witnessed these things with your own eyes and ears.

Why do they lie? Several reasons, but if a narcissist can get you to believe their lies, half-truths, distortions and historical revisions, then they're determining your reality (no matter how much BS they're slinging). When the narcissist, borderline or psychopath determines your reality, they are in control.

They're always right, you're always wrong. They're not cheating -- how dare you think that about them? What's wrong with you? According to the narcissist's reality, your job is to serve them, and expect little to nothing in return.

Perhaps you've tried using facts and logic when you JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) as they accuse and attack you. The facts are what the narcissist says they are. As such, facts are refutable, especially if they portray the narcissist in a bad light. Using logic to point out that their lies don't make sense just makes them all the more angry. Angry that you're not believing their lies and circular reasoning.

Narc Clube Rule #4 requires that you accept facts are meaningless and logic is incendiary. Reality is determined by the narcissist and subject to endless revisions. Still want to belong to this club?”

Surfer