New LBS dealing with WW (Part 5)

[Wonka]

Ahhh, thanks to you, we all now understand Trump's disease!!! 😁

[Joe2017]

Surfer:
Thanks for the article. My W never had any serious issues like she does now until BD. Then all of a sudden, she WAS ACTING LIKE A NARCISSIST! I have no idea where all of this inflated self-value came from, it's like she is doing mental acrobatics to maximize her value and minimize my value as a MAN and as a HUMAN. Maybe to justify her inhumane treatment of me. Maybe to justify how awful she has become. Maybe because she is coping with devolving into a horrible human being.

She is now the complete opposite of the person I married.

It's awful, but I've learned the rules of the game. That's why I have stayed NC for weeks except for business. I don't have time for her BS anymore. I have my OWN PROBLEMS now, and you know what? I'm GLAD. They're MINE. I am my own person with my own problems and my own solutions.

I don't have time to worry about her finances. I don't have time to worry about her health. I don't have time to worry about her car. I don't have time to worry about her life, because she threw me OUT of her life. Unceremoniously, cruelly, and without remorse.

She blows up my phone each day. Every day she tries to get my on the phone. Calling me. Asking me to call her. Telling me she has important things to say. No, these are only things that are important TO HER. Not me. Maybe they involve my property, but property is a small price to pay for my safety and sanity.

I am doing everything I promised. Giving her what she wants out of the D. Selling the house. Moving out. These have been my final acts of love in our MR. She should be happy but she's not. She's miserable. Nothing is enough for WW.

But you know, it's not my problem anymore.

I can't believe it's been only three months. It feels like years.

I feel like I have made progress. I only break down a few times a week now. I listened to the RADIO TODAY!!!! Wow I could not do that... every song reminded me of our MR. I saw a picture of her on my phone and I was OK... I didn't fall apart. I have been able to feel warmth for my kid again. I'm planning my future.

Small progress, but I'm getting there.

This is not how I envisioned my MR, or even my DB/LRT/180/GAL. I had hoped beyond hope that we could recon and move on. But I can't do it alone, and she is still way lost in the fog. I'm so saddened by it, but I can't do anything to solve the problems. It's like she's mentally ill now, and she will never agree that anything is wrong with her so I can't fix this MR.

I have to move on. Maybe she will come around. Maybe she won't. Only time will tell.

Thanks for the support everyone. You are all amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experiences with us all. You're lifesavers.

Maybe one day I will be able to repay the kindness and compassion you have all shown me.

[Surfer]

Joe,

You will feel like it's all out of control - less frequently than before, but you still will. It is not. I can tell from what you are writing that you are doing exactly what you need to do, just keep doing it.

The conversion from the loved one to the Narcissist is stark and appalling. But it happens. They are, of course, not Narcissists. That is a very specific mental definition (like psychopathy) and they can't all be this. What I think is happening is an affair and projection in simple terms. The affair takes place then the guilt and horrible feelings inside. They project that in their behaviour. They get a release doing this and this is their payoff so they must be right in this (as it makes them feel better). Your role, as you are, is not letting them play this game. Understanding how to define boundaries, understanding TA, the Drama Triangle etc are all tools that will help you in this role. Read and study, become a Jedi in this shi! It will help you and the kids.

Exactly, you have your OWN problems. She will not accept hers and will project them onto you.

Surfer

[Vanilla]

How are you Joe?

V

[Joe2017]

Hey Vanilla.

I'm not great. I'm better each and every day, but I'm just at the low point of my week. Lots of D related things happening now. Selling the MH, revising the D paperwork, interacting with attorneys. It's all very sad.

I don't have many friends left that I can talk to. I basically only have one friend from my single days that will still interact with me, and we aren't really very close. All I really have is my kid and my job. My family doesn't understand, and of course I can't talk to them about things. I am trying to make new friends but it's really not very easy for me at this point in my life. Can't make any new friends at work because of politics. Can't make any new friends at church because of politics. I am doing my best but I haven't really clicked with anyone, which means it just isn't meant to be right now.

But that's OK. It is very very hard doing this without any emotional support but this ordeal has shown me how resilient I am.

It's been like a tornado. Who gets BD, served, and then finalizes a divorce in less than 3 months? Apparently, me.

It really makes me feel disposable. Oh well.

Life goes on. Tomorrow is a new day.

[NicoleR]

Joe, I'll write more later but I wish there'd be a way we could be friends in real life because as you know I'm in the same position.

This all happened so fast for you but it also seems like your wife may not have thought through all her actions. She might still wake up someday and say "what have I done?" My guess, although I could be wrong, is that our spouses are thinking only of themselves during these times and it's not until their life settles down and they reach a low point themselves that they start to remember us.

[Verum]

It's been like a tornado. Who gets BD, served, and then finalizes a divorce in less than 3 months? Apparently, me.

Joe, I really feel for you here. In my sitch, I am somewhat relieved that California has a 6-month waiting period to slow things down. At least emotionally it helps a little.

You need to find activities where you can build new friendships and bond with other people. I started playing soccer, and I now have a team of guy friends. We've done pizza and beer after games and a poker night. While I don't dump my problems on them, the friendship and interaction helps fill the void left. You could do bowling, softball, take dancing lessons, do crossfit, or anything where the same group of people go and you get to know them.

[apothem]

It's been like a tornado. Who gets BD, served, and then finalizes a divorce in less than 3 months? Apparently, me.

Hey Joe,

Right now I feel I'm in the same boat as you. My wife dropped the bomb and 4 days later moved out into her mom's house. I feel she will be filing soon and will be moving on. I've been working on GAL and DB'ing and have stuck to it as best as I can. It has helped ease the process a little bit.

Don't get me wrong, I still hold on to some hope that we can reconcile, but it's not what is driving me to DB.

[Jim1234]

Joe, I know how you feel. It seems like making friends is so much harder now that we're older. A lot of "my" friends were the men in the couples we used to socialize with, and it's hard now not to feel like a third wheel when we get together.

Something that I've found, though, is many of them are in the same boat, wanting some male friends they can hang out with, and all I really have to do is ask if they want to get together. One even pulled me aside and said "You know, I've been thinking... I don't really have any just "guy" friends. Give me a call and lets get together and do something."

Another thing I've been doing, is there are single guys that we knew, but weren't close with, because we didn't really get together because we were doing things with other couples. I've been reaching out to them, and they've been great.

Like Fast Cars said, I am finding group activities helpful to meet people, too. Both men and women. I've heard both good and bad things about meetup.com, but you might want to look up similar groups online in your area. You're sure to find some people with common interests. Most of the bad I've heard is from women who complain that men are just using it to pick up women.

[Joe2017]

Nicole:
Thanks for the thoughts. I feel the same way, like she will one day realize she messed up. However I know my W will bury her feelings of regret and never admit to them. She's too proud. Not my problem though. She does email and text me with her issues and complains as if it were still somehow my responsibility to be there for her. It's not, and that was HER decision. Those messages go right into the NC trash bin.

FC, apothem, Jim:
Yeah, it's brutal how fast she moved on this. But that's OK. In the end, she is the one missing out on being with me. Making friends is not typically all that hard for me. I'm just in that awkward period where my ex's friends and spouses definitely will not talk to me, and our mutual friends are hands off of us like we have a divorce disease. lol. Also, my old friends grew apart from me when I got married. Not a big deal, it's temporary.

I can be very outgoing, so being this lonely will not last long. I just have to get over my ex. It will happen and I will be happy again.

I'm already 10 times happier than I was when I first came to this site, so at least I know I'm making progress. One day at a time.