New LBS dealing with WW (Part 5)

[NicoleR]

Joe, there is a book called "Left Alone to Learn" on Amazon that I found helpful. You might want to order it.

[Joe2017]

Thanks Nicole. I’ll take a look at it, looks like it can be gotten online pretty affordable. How have you been Nicole? I know things have been rough lately.

I am alright, mostly. I have a lot of clarity these days, mostly due to getting away from the sudden and spontaneous abuse. That was the most shocking thing for me... this woman turned into a complete stranger and became the most vile and offensive person I’ve ever been involved with. It was really very sad to watch.

If all goes smoothly I will be done with this MR before the end of next month. I don’t know how to feel about that. I still occasionally have a small freak out when I don’t feel my wedding band on my finger, and then realize that it’s NOT supposed to be there. Then I’m sad for a little while but I get over that pretty quick. I have not made this D easy for WW but I have not outright stood in her way either. She still powered through it and it is almost a done deal.

Meanwhile, I have made myself into a new Joe. I’ve become more confident and assertive. My coworkers have commented on how much better I am lately and one even said I look really good since I trimmed down. I have not made many new friends, which is not permanent. I have only just begun my new life. My kid seems to be doing better and has kept in contact with S14, which I think is important for them.

WW still hits up my phone at least once a day but I just ignore it. I refuse to talk on the phone with her. My NC game is pretty strong these days. I have nothing to say to her unless she wants to ask for forgiveness and start piecing. I can’t make that happen at all, yet I can’t say my DB was a failure because I am not a failure. In the end, all that matters is that I’m OK and my son is OK. And we will be!

[Vanilla]

Joe

I am very pleased to hear some of this. Especially about S16 and S14 connecting. That's great news to my ears and eyes and quite unexpected, a good development.

Yes, unmasked the wayward is a very different person and it is frightening. DB is a successful thing for you, it saw you through a tough time, you are becoming a man only a fool would leave AND once you know you will never unknow.

What have you learned to stop being in this position again?

V

[NicoleR]

Joe, that's impressive to hear how you've become more confident and assertive. If your wife doesn't notice that, some other lucky woman will notice. I wish your wife would 'wake up' but I think she will someday, even if it's after the divorce. It happened so fast that there's no way this decision was made carefully and under a normal mindset.

I responded to your last post on my own thread...I'm not sure how far back it is. I'm still grappling with the latest things my husband has said but he divorce is still on.

I hope if divorce really happens this fast for you that it's for the best. Sometimes the longer it takes, the more suffering you endure. If it's over fast then you're moving on faster.

I'm really happy that you're doing the impossible and getting through this with strength. It's not easy at all.

[Manny]

Thanks Nicole.
That was the most shocking thing for me... this woman turned into a complete stranger and became the most vile and offensive person I’ve ever been involved with. It was really very sad to watch.
\

Is this normal behavior, because my WW did the exact same thing, from a loving lady that I would never see hurt me to a viscous women with nothing but lies and contempt.

I'm also on the same path as you, I don't want anything to do with her at this point unless she wants to talk about forgiveness, which I doubt will ever happen, she has way too much pride in her. Im counting the days until I no longer have to live in the same house with her and I can get on with my life.

[Manny]

I hope if divorce really happens this fast for you that it's for the best. Sometimes the longer it takes, the more suffering you endure. If it's over fast then you're moving on faster.

I'm really happy that you're doing the impossible and getting through this with strength. It's not easy at all.

Nicole just like Joe, my divorce moved very fast, she kept telling me she was going to file but then I just went ahead and had my attorney file, 1 day before she was about to, do you think I may have jump the gun, I just want this pain to go away and having her leave the house feels like it would help.

[joejoe1]

Manny,

If you are asking that question you werent ready. But you cant change the past. Continue DBing and keep moving forward. You still have to heal yourself.

[Manny]

Manny,

If you are asking that question you werent ready. But you cant change the past. Continue DBing and keep moving forward. You still have to heal yourself.

She has an OM and I felt like I was being disrespected, I felt like I needed to let her know I wasn’t going to continue this way. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered since she tried to file as well. I wasn’t ready your right, but the pain was too much for me just to sit her and watch her day after day trying to figure out what she’s going to do. I’d rather pull the band aid fast then slow.

[Joe2017]

Joe

I am very pleased to hear some of this. Especially about S16 and S14 connecting. That's great news to my ears and eyes and quite unexpected, a good development.

Yes, unmasked the wayward is a very different person and it is frightening. DB is a successful thing for you, it saw you through a tough time, you are becoming a man only a fool would leave AND once you know you will never unknow.

What have you learned to stop being in this position again?

V

Thanks V! I am glad the boys are keeping in touch, even if it's just through SM or TM, or whatever. It's good for them to be able to lean on each other if they have to.

What have I learned to keep from being in this position again? That's a great question.

I think that I learned that keeping a woman's respect engaged is extremely important. I think that in my MR I had very specific challenges in that regard, due to my XW's control issues. It was hard to steer our family when she had to have control of the wheel at all times. I took as much control as I could in as many aspects as I could, but in the end she decided that she didn't want to give up ANY control anymore. I can look back on comments she made mid-year and a couple minor arguments that arose from those comments. I never thought she would stoop to become a cheater, but she did. She then became a very different person because of it.

So in the future? I think I will be more careful. I think I will pay more attention to red flags. I will look at things from a less needy perspective, and I will probably be much much more guarded. Another thing I think will happen is that I will apply DBing concepts to healthy relationships. Even if I marry again, 3 4 or 5 years into it I will still be using some parts of LRT because it is so useful for personal growth.

I will never let a relationship stagnate. I will always do my best to stay ahead of the curve. I will never take a good relationship for granted. I have much more perspective on relationships now. I have especially learned a lot about the woman's perspective from all of our interactions here, and from Sandi too.

From where I'm standing now, my old life is like an island on fire and I'm just watching it smolder while WW stands on the beach holding a torch. I don't know how to make amends with her, because she doesn't want to. She is still offensive and projects her anger on me, even a month after I moved out of the MR. I don't have a lot of hope for recon because she is still out there burning sht down. Maybe one day she will come to her senses. If she does, I will talk to her. If she does not, we will be estranged from now on.

I still have bouts of sadness because of it, but they have become much easier to deal with. This has been a crash course in life. Within the span of three months I have given up two thirds of my life and had to start over from scratch. Myself and my boy are living out of plastic bags because I don't even have any furniture right now. But it is OK because we have a place to stay that is safe from abuse and threats.

I will be able to buy new stuff soon enough.

But I'm doing it all on my own, and I'm doing the best I can now. I am healing, and I can slowly see myself being happy again. It will just take time.

[Joe2017]

So a Joe2017 update:

The paperwork is all in order. Date is set for three weeks from now. Showing up in court for me is optional and my attorney said he would go for me in my place, and I'm good with that. I don't want to see WW again.

Our MH listed and should be sold soon enough, since it's had a ton of interest already.

S14 and S16 still keep in touch. S16 decided himself that he did not want to associate with WW anymore after he found out that WW cut me off from S14. But I'm glad the two boys still communicate. I worked really hard to teach them how to be kind, respectful, and gracious to one another, and it appears to have worked as well as could be expected given the current state of affairs. (See what I did there? Lol.)

As for WW, she has eased up a lot. We spoke on the phone a few times, and it was cordial enough. She tries to be friendly and send me jokes and what not but I stay pretty neutral. She did apologize to me for the entire situation, but that didn't really register with me. I'm sure she's started to come to the realization that this is all totally her fault but she will never admit it to me at this point.

I don't even know how I'd reconcile at this stage of the process, so that's just not even in my plans anymore.

I've been pretty good overall but I have my moments. I burned some Pop Tarts in the toaster the other day and started to cry. For some reason I just felt this overwhelming sense of failure, over POP TARTS. Of course, it was EVERYTHING and not just pastries. It was a short and rare occurrence but I think it's important that I bounced back from it in less than a day.

I'm just waiting until this is over so I can really start working towards some personal goals for myself and my son.

I've come to realize that goals are SUPREMELY important for my mental health. What's next? What's after that? How can I get there? Accomplish accomplish accomplish. Keep moving forward!