1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
Edit- There is a series of threads that Sandi2 has written They are linked together for easy reading. There is also a link in the homework assignment but just in case you missed it. I will provide it below.
I am new here and I blew about 80% of each of these asks. LOL Cant help it. Wife told me 2 weeks ago and TONIGHT there is no future with us but I feel it is as we are literally still living under the same roof. It is hard.
M:11 W: 38 Kids: 0 Separated:2009 Back:2010 Separated:2017 (same house) I don't want a divorce
I am new here and I blew about 80% of each of these asks. LOL Cant help it. Wife told me 2 weeks ago and TONIGHT there is no future with us but I feel it is as we are literally still living under the same roof. It is hard.
How to start a thread
I will use what Job wrote
First Click on Newcomers then:
Originally Posted By: job
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting.
Wow that is quite the list. While I can see the wisdom in giving someone that much space, how do you do it? How do you sacrifice yourself to that extent? I am aching for some affection- I have done nothing wrong, no affairs, no lying, no temper. I don’t know why my partner is angry. I would love to be disciplined enough to never show my yearning. I am just so lonely. When is it ok to need connection? When is it ok to ask for stability? Commitment? Fairness?
I am sorry. I was trying to understand how you cope with your feelings while you behave in a way that would be so hard for me. I am sorry if my post was not appropriate.
Its not that your post is inappropriate. Its just that it would be better to have your own thread to discuss things about you.
How you deal with your feelings is by starting with detachment. A tough thing for all of us to learn. It is the place to start.
What I was trying to explain to you is HER anger is not about YOU or anything YOU did. It is HERS - she must own her anger, just like you own YOUR anger and your feelings. Make sense?
Basically you did not break her and you can not FIX her.
Needed to revisit these today! Always good to reflect and refocus. What is the goal? What is your objective? What are you doing today right now at this moment to help that along? I will not shoot myself in the foot today! I will keep my cool no matter what my spouse throws at me today! I will give positive attention to my kids today! I will take care of myself today. I will not worry about what my W is doing today.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Just wondering out loud here if Sandi's WW threads might not be worth a "sticky" up here at the top of the forum, maybe under the heading of something like "Do you have a Wayward Wife?" or "Walk-away Wife or Wayward Wife?" You know, something to put that issue front and center.
I suggest that because it has been my sense after being on here for a while that a substantial percentage (even a majority, maybe) of the folks on this forum, and definitely a majority of the LBHs on here are dealing with what Sandi2 refers to as a "Wayward" wife. This has even been more pronounced it seems as of late where it seems like almost every new thread deals with that dynamic.
I wonder how many people come on here, miss that distinction, and make a mis-step or don't get started down the right path as quickly as they could. I know that my own first foray onto these boards was overwhelming to me in the amount of information available. IT was partially because of this and because of not finding a "lifeline" right away that i vanished for a couple of months.
Sandi2's "Rules" are pure gold, but i am wondering if, just below those, having the "WW" threads available might provide new posters faced with that dynamic with some much-needed context.
Just a thought on how to make an already awesome place maybe just a tad better (purely imho, of course);
Thanks again for all y'all do!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
