Just wondering out loud here if Sandi's WW threads might not be worth a "sticky" up here at the top of the forum, maybe under the heading of something like "Do you have a Wayward Wife?" or "Walk-away Wife or Wayward Wife?" You know, something to put that issue front and center.
I suggest that because it has been my sense after being on here for a while that a substantial percentage (even a majority, maybe) of the folks on this forum, and definitely a majority of the LBHs on here are dealing with what Sandi2 refers to as a "Wayward" wife. This has even been more pronounced it seems as of late where it seems like almost every new thread deals with that dynamic.
I wonder how many people come on here, miss that distinction, and make a mis-step or don't get started down the right path as quickly as they could. I know that my own first foray onto these boards was overwhelming to me in the amount of information available. IT was partially because of this and because of not finding a "lifeline" right away that i vanished for a couple of months.
Sandi2's "Rules" are pure gold, but i am wondering if, just below those, having the "WW" threads available might provide new posters faced with that dynamic with some much-needed context.
Just a thought on how to make an already awesome place maybe just a tad better (purely imho, of course);
Thanks again for all y'all do!
Thanks for the comment but I do not think that we need more sticky threads.
The link is listed in post #1 at the top and it is provided in every welcome post I give, I can only lead people to the water I can not make them drink it.
I will repeat it here because when I just went to EDIT that POST it blanked out on me and I do not feel like dealing with it right now.
I wasn't doing these 100% and have paid for it in personal pain. This is a must. a core tenant. For any newbie reading this, learn from my error and ABIDE BY THESE 100%
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Sandi, I know my Wife is a bit of a unique case and not really a WW, but how well does a WW usually respond if the Rules are Not followed (or not known about at all) by the LBH, and they make MANY mistakes with the rules in the first few months after DB, and then begin adhering to them a few months in, as opposed to a LBH that begins implementing the rules right at BD?
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
it even occurs to me that having a modified version of the 37 rules specific to the LBH that is already separated or even in divorce process may be a helpful tool
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
it even occurs to me that having a modified version of the 37 rules specific to the LBH that is already separated or even in divorce process may be a helpful tool
Bump for interest?? id still love to see something like this.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I already have my own thread, but I have a question specific to sandi’s rules, so I’m hoping this is the right place to ask?
My H has said repeatedly that he wanted a a wife who would be his friend (the clear implication being that I was not a friend to him). I’m trying to figure out the best approach to this; I think I should do a 180 on this and show that I was/am his friend. BUT, after a lot of cake eating on his part I believe, and have made it clear to him, that he doesn’t deserve my friendship outside of our marriage. I’m trying to figure out which way to go on this, as I’m worried that maybe my withholding of my friendship (by way of scarce conversation and the like) has been a lot of “more of the same” in his sites. I welcome any and all thoughts!
Yes, exactly. The last time he mentioned wanting us to be friends, after a year of major cake eating on his part (and allowing said cake eating on my part) I told him directly that I can’t offer him my friendship outside of our marriage. BUT one of his main complaints about me is that I wasn’t his friend when he was still in the marriage. All that said, I’m trying to figure out how I can show that I’m capable of being a good friend to him, without giving too much of myself or allowing more cake eating, and while still keeping my conversation fairly scarce. I almost feel that those desired outcomes are in conflict with one another; I feel like to 180 the “not being his friend” id have to be more friendly then perhaps the rule would ask of a typical LBS? I so appreciate your response! Thank you!
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. NEVER LIE! When getting a life or trying to be mysterious….do not lie in order to be able to do it. You can be somewhat vague about what your plans are by not revealing all the details, but never even resemble lying to your spouse! Lying is not Dbing, so if you cannot carry out GAL on a particular time schedule without lying about what you are doing, then keep the trust and don’t lie to your spouse. 38. Do not keep company with the opposite sex. Do not turn to old friends of the opposite sex to talk to about your problems or just to hang out with them. This is not getting a life! This is not acceptable for a MR in trouble and could lead to you getting involved in an EA. If you cannot have your spouse present while you are with the friend of the opposite sex…..then you do not need to be with that friend. That includes any type of regular calls, emails, TM’s, etc., with friends of the opposite sex without the spouse present. You may not understand the seriousness, but it would be like pouring gasoline on a fire. 39. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. NEVER LIE! When getting a life or trying to be mysterious….do not lie in order to be able to do it. You can be somewhat vague about what your plans are by not revealing all the details, but never even resemble lying to your spouse! Lying is not Dbing, so if you cannot carry out GAL on a particular time schedule without lying about what you are doing, then keep the trust and don’t lie to your spouse. 38. Do not keep company with the opposite sex. Do not turn to old friends of the opposite sex to talk to about your problems or just to hang out with them. This is not getting a life! This is not acceptable for a MR in trouble and could lead to you getting involved in an EA. If you cannot have your spouse present while you are with the friend of the opposite sex…..then you do not need to be with that friend. That includes any type of regular calls, emails, TM’s, etc., with friends of the opposite sex without the spouse present. You may not understand the seriousness, but it would be like pouring gasoline on a fire. 39. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
I almost had an issue with 38. Went to an old friend to discuss when things started going south fast. She told me she wanted to be with me, and it was very tempting whenever the next shoe would drop in my MR. However, I have resisted amd told her I cannot do anything and will remain true to my vows. If not for my invigorated faith, and my daughter, I think I would have succumbed.
