Ideally I would like to have my kids with me equal time, but this would require having a another place to live with 3 bedrooms, unless the kids share a room.
As you said, "ideally", that would be great. In reality, you may have to settle for a smaller place until your finances allow a bigger one. But since it will be an all male camp.....that should not be too bad.
I'm not trying to make light of a sad situation. Just trying to help you see that you may have to start with small steps to get to where you want. That is how I have found life to be for me.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Had an interesting day yesterday. W decided to take the kids to watch me play hockey, then they wanted to go out to a restaurant afterwards. I said okay as it痴 kind of like family time activities. Afterwards played some games as a family which was nice. Then W is chatting to me about how she壇 like to go away on vacation again. Even through out the idea of going any living in California together. She doesn稚 like winter and says she just wants to go somewhere new and start over. I did not engage further as I don稚 know what she痴 up to or just a moment to fantasize or try and get a reaction out of me.
覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧 Married: 12 Together: 14 Me:41 W:42 S:11 S:8 Bomb dropped 2/2014 I moved out 5/2014 No formal separation Discovered A: 1/2018
W decided to take the kids to watch me play hockey, then they wanted to go out to a restaurant afterwards. I said okay as it痴 kind of like family time activities.
Amoafwl - what I mean is that I feel it痴 okay for the kids to have some family time with their mom and dad. While it may be feeding into her having her cake and eating it to, I did it for the kids.
覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧 Married: 12 Together: 14 Me:41 W:42 S:11 S:8 Bomb dropped 2/2014 I moved out 5/2014 No formal separation Discovered A: 1/2018
Element. My very first post, but I thought I needed to chime in on this thread. Although, I am not your wife and every situation is unique, I wanted to maybe shine some light on your wife's perspective, for our situations are VERY similar. I am too a stay at home mom with an autistic kid who is in the middle of moving out, sort of. Majority of women, and especially stay at home moms of special needs kids, would never walk out of a 14-20 year old marriage for frivolous reasons, unless they are frivolous women. But those women usually reveal themselves relatively quickly in the marriage. If I have to guess from reading your posts, your wife is not one of them. I don't know what happened in your marriage, but I know what happened in mine and they are very serious reasons to walk out. When you hit middle age, you start to think - is this the person who has my back when I am old and sick, is this my PARTNER or is this the person who only cares for me when I am fulfilling HIS needs? You might get defensive and say - "She is the one using me!" and from where you stand it might appear so. I can tell you why I gave up on my marriage - hopelessness. Hopelessness that the changes that I need to see in my husband to make me happy as a woman and make me swoon with desire can happen. Because for most married women, desire starts outside of the bedroom. I have to respect you as a man, whatever the criteria it maybe for each individual woman. I lost hope that my husband has the character and strength to make permanent changes in himself. I have convinced myself that based on his actions in the past I am not important to him enough for him to jump through the hoops. I have told him and told him and told him and told him and on and on and on. He would change for a bit, but it would ALWAYS go back to where it started. And it seems to be the running theme here, men don't really listen and take their wives seriously. Like a boss who nods in agreement when you ask for a raise every year, but then nothing happens and years go by. You then loose hope that you are a valued employee and is forced to find another job or quit even though you love your job. I believe that if you really dig deep into your past you will probably remember what your wife "bugged and nagged" you about on the consistent basis. You probably acted as if those things were optional but she was telling you exactly what you need to do that makes her see you as a male PARTNER. I don't know your wife, she might "like her cake and eat it too" like you said, but I am living in my husband's house and from aside it looks like I am eating the cake. Family and no intimacy. But I am here not for myself or to torture my husband. When you have kids and you are divorcing you want to make it as painless as possible for them, especially kids on the spectrum. The routine is everything to them. If I had no kids, I would be LONG gone. Money, no money. House, no house. I could sleep in my car if I had to. When you have kids your priority is with them. If I have to guess, my sentiments are similar to your wife's. Having a huge gap in your resume does not help either. It is hard to find a job that pays enough to support me and my kids. I am struggling. Your wife is probably too. See, you BOTH had family, you BOTH contributed a lot, but when it did not work out it is not you who does not have anything to show for it. It is your wife. Just imagine yourself in that position. How hopeless she must have felt with this marriage to initiate her own self destruction? It is not an impulse. Oh, no. She has been feeling like this is her only option left to shake you up. Like I said, every situation is unique, but it sounds like she is hanging on to the marriage. If everything you say is true, I would assume she is still waiting like me, otherwise she would file a long time ago. Something you are doing or not doing that has yet to convince her that you are the man she wants to grow old with. I only know what my husband needs to do, but every woman has a different love language, like you said. I would probably assume that communication has not been your marriage's strongest point like many, so if I have to give you any point here I would start with improving your interpersonal communication skills. Men seem to struggle in this department. They either passively agree to everything wife says to avoid a conflict and to appear supportive or they stonewall or get defensive and accusatory. Neither approach helps the bedroom situation. One comes off as weak and passive another as an [censored]. There are tons of books on the subject to help there. One thing to add though, that we women are sexual beings with sexual needs. Your wife's OM - Married, unavailable (purely for sex kind of thing) - a booty call maybe? Men do it all the time - AshleyMadison.com and such. I know I would gladly jump my husband's bones any day just for sex, but then it would totally screw him up if I decided to finally leave. I don't want him to suffer more than he has already. Of course, I am speaking purely from my own perspective. You have to find out your truth with your wife.
Hi Wendi, reading Element's thread obviously spoke to you emotionally. I hope everyone who reads it will appreciate your input. I encourage you to start your own thread, and tell us your story. I believe your perspective would be very helpful to others, plus, you could receive support from the DB community.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I hope it's not your last, it's always valuable to hear the "other side of the story" here! Because we mostly hear the LBS's view, it tends to sound like WAS's are crazy and doing stuff that doesn't make sense. But that's not how the WAS sees it at all, they feel like they've been trying hard for months or years to get through to their spouse and that they are left with no options but BD.
Quote:
I would probably assume that communication has not been your marriage's strongest point like many, so if I have to give you any point here I would start with improving your interpersonal communication skills. Men seem to struggle in this department. They either passively agree to everything wife says to avoid a conflict and to appear supportive or they stonewall or get defensive and accusatory.
AMEN!!!! Unfortunately this is one of the main differences between men and women, men are trained by their fathers and other male figures in their life and even in school situations to bury emotions and feelings and do everything to avoid conflict with the opposite sex. I wish there was some way to incorporate Retrouvaille in life as a required course before getting married, the communication techniques they teach are quite invaluable. Unfortunately most of us don't end up going until it's too late.
I also wish that most WAS's didn't wait until they were completely shut down in the M before BD'ing, because it IS possible for a LBH to change, and change drastically. Many of us did it. But our WAS's were too far gone for it to matter.
Quote:
I don't want him to suffer more than he has already.
While your silent suffering has been taking place for a long time, your H's has only just barely started. It will get much worse for him in the coming months. You really should either give him a chance or leave, you are doing no one any favors by staying under the same roof. You may think it's best for the kids but it really isn't, it's a very toxic living situation for them.
