Wife on antidepressants, acting strange!

[SteveLW]

So a little more info:

My wife has done a lot of revisionist history related to our marriage.

We have been together for 21 years. Married for 19 in April. To hear her talk it has been terrible the whole time. Never mind taht she pursued me hard, wanted to (and would have) got married at the 6 month dating mark, and had journals full of how much she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

The big sticking point in our marriage was sex. She had no sex drive pretty much right after the wedding. Yes I was affectionate, attentive, gave reassurances, went on dates, etc. Nothing worked.

I remember our first Valentine's Day as a married couple. I bought her a gift, took her to a very expensive, fancy restaurant. Really made it a special night for her.

That night she made it clear she wasn't in the mood.

As you can see, overtime I began to pull back the non-sexual affection, reassurances, etc. Overtime I fell into a place where I was hurt, angry, frustrated and resentful.

But even through that we had our daughter. We worked on the marriage at times. I was distant at times as my needs were met, but then again so was she.

We still often laughed, cried, shared, etc. Just rarely did it lead to physical intimacy.

Things got better for a time after her emotional affair in 2005 (can't remember if I mentioned that). We renewed efforts to rebuild our relationship. But in the 12 1/2 years since have fallen back into some similar patterns (lack of physical intimacy from her, pulling back on the emotional intimacy from me).

Still, I would have said we had a fairly good relationship. We don't argue a lot. Usually discuss things of importance. True she had really slipped from her normal stay-at-home chores (housework, laundry, etc) as she got more and more involved with the online singing app and social gaming apps. And that caused me to get bigger and critical when I would come home from work and begin to do what needed to be done. I would make comments under my breath, or do the chores in an angry, passive-aggressive way.

But still, I never expected the bomb she dropped on 12/23/2017. And we have been in a resistant recovery ever since.

The problem for me is she response positively (I know I shouldn't be reading her reactions) to both the Mort Fertel methods (talk charges, touch charges, date nights) as well as the 180 method. So it is confusing to me to try to tread. I think next week I will renew my efforts at pulling back, letting go, GAL, and moving on.

But since has started to make positive moves (giving up the apps, and presumably the connections she shouldn't have had), I don't want to thwart that.

I just not sure what the right approach is.

[SteveLW]

Well she reinstalled the singing app.

Looks like I'll have to really apply the 180 method. Wish me luck.

[SteveLW]

I called her with two suggestions related to the offending apps:

1) Leave her phone unlocked.
2) Limit the amount of time she spends on the singing app (she usually spends 5-7 hours while I am at work and D is at school).

She got defensive. Said she felt like a 14 year-old. And she was uninstalling the app.

Then came the weird logic. When I told her I didn't want her to uninstall it because singing on it made her happy, she said: "It doesn't matter."

I said what doesn't matter? She said "Whether I have it installed or not."

Huh? I told her that didn't make sense to which she said "nothing makes sense".

Anyone got any thoughts on this?

[SteveLW]

Also, after doing a lot of reading here it is obvious to me that my wife is a WW. No doubt about it.

[AnotherStander]

A lightbulb went on in my head. She's been on Zoloft for 10 years and Wellbutrin for 5. Couple that with a midlife crisis (she turns 50 next month) and bam. I googled antidepressants and infidelity and the hits were off the chart

My timeline was very similar to yours. At the time of BD I was 50 and my W 48. Married almost 20 years, 3 great kids, W on A/D's for over 10 years. We had a marriage that was the envy of all our friends and family. So BD really shocked me, never saw it coming. I too looked for the "magic bullet", the explanation on why it happened and how to "fix" it. There isn't one. You've got to resolve yourself to the fact that you are not ever going to know why it happened, and that there's no easy fix for it.

Anyone know how long a typical female MLC lasts?

A short MLC would be 2-3 years. A long one would be 8-10 years. Most fall somewhere between. But here's the real kicker, sometimes it's not MLC, it's a "life change". Life change can look exactly like MLC, but the difference is it never ends. It's what my XW went through. She changed into a different person. She's different to everyone- me, our kids, friends and family. It happens around the time menopause starts, different women are affected differently. But a fairly common characteristic is the need to be less of a caregiver and more independent. They've put others' needs first for most of their adult life and now it's time for them. Sometimes a long-term M gets sacrificed in the process.

I am hoping she will wean off the ADs, and that will help with the waywardness IF we can keep her depression in check.

I remember putting my hopes on that too. My XW actually did try to wean off and she spiraled right back into depression and that was the end of that. She is now resolved to being on them the rest of her life.

Look, I know as well as anyone the need to believe there's some magic trick to get out of this and put things "back to normal" but it just doesn't work that way. Look at my timeline, my sitch is old and I've been on here a long time. There has not been a single case on here of a WAS simply "snapping out of it" by taking a different drug, or not taking one she took before. It just doesn't happen. The recons happen after long periods of time in which the LBS detached, became independent, built a life separate from their WAS and left their WAS alone. The WAS has to go through a soul-searching, and at the end of it sometimes they want back and sometimes they don't. You've got to get yourself to the point where you are going to thrive no matter what the outcome.

[AnotherStander]

Then came the weird logic. When I told her I didn't want her to uninstall it because singing on it made her happy, she said: "It doesn't matter."

I said what doesn't matter? She said "Whether I have it installed or not."

Huh? I told her that didn't make sense to which she said "nothing makes sense".

Anyone got any thoughts on this?

My take is she is telling you that she is unhappy. She's realizing the app was a band-aid for the unhappiness. While it was an escape, it wasn't fixing it. This is fairly typical WAS script but she is more than likely going to assign 99% blame for her unhappiness on the most convenient target which is YOU. Anything you say or do will just reinforce her belief that you are controlling, manipulative and making her suffer. This is why DB'ing is so important. If you remove pressure from her and detach from her then eventually she'll realize you are not the problem. But if you keep telling her how to fix her problems then she'll think YOU are the problem.

[joejoe1]

Steve,

You can't treat your W like a kid. And that's what you did with those demands.

You told her to leave her phone unlock and limit the amount of time on the app, what are the consequences to her not doing those things. What are you going to do?

You are treating her like she is 14. You can't make demands and expect a person not to get defensive.

A better way to approach a situation where you find something disrespectful is to state what you will not live with in the M and what you are willing to do if she goes against that (boundaries not demands). Read up on boundaries and what the entail.

In other words, her using an app doesn't hurt you physically, so what kind of boundary can you create out of her using an app?

Those are questions you have to ask yourself before you go down the road of demanding something.

The best thing you can do in this situation, is detach and become a person only a fool would leave. Show her a man that respect himself. IMO you trying to force her to do those things makes you look weak.

No more demanding. Have your W decided she wants to be in the M? If not you need to detach, GAL, and do 180s. If you were demanding before than you have to 180 those situations. Stop pursuing her. Pull back and let go. Give her space.

She has created an alternate reality of the M, the only way for that to change is if you give her space and time to clear her head. You have to let go for that to happen.

Get ready for hardwork, prepare yourself for the roller coaster ride.

Onward and Forward.

[SteveLW]

Thank you all for the responses. You are all very right. I have not done this very well at all. I glob on to anything I detect as positive and then downward spiral when the inevitable other shoe drops.

I will resolve myself to fixing that and move toward a complete detachment, GAL, and 180.

I feel like this all is too much. The drugs, depression, MLC, waywardness, and all the other baggage that 19 years of marriage brings to the table is too big of a mountain to climb. I know baby steps. But man is this hard.

[SteveLW]

Then came the weird logic. When I told her I didn't want her to uninstall it because singing on it made her happy, she said: "It doesn't matter."

I said what doesn't matter? She said "Whether I have it installed or not."

Huh? I told her that didn't make sense to which she said "nothing makes sense".

Anyone got any thoughts on this?

My take is she is telling you that she is unhappy. She's realizing the app was a band-aid for the unhappiness. While it was an escape, it wasn't fixing it. This is fairly typical WAS script but she is more than likely going to assign 99% blame for her unhappiness on the most convenient target which is YOU. Anything you say or do will just reinforce her belief that you are controlling, manipulative and making her suffer. This is why DB'ing is so important. If you remove pressure from her and detach from her then eventually she'll realize you are not the problem. But if you keep telling her how to fix her problems then she'll think YOU are the problem.

Yes you are right. I am the problem in her mind.

[SteveLW]

A lightbulb went on in my head. She's been on Zoloft for 10 years and Wellbutrin for 5. Couple that with a midlife crisis (she turns 50 next month) and bam. I googled antidepressants and infidelity and the hits were off the chart

My timeline was very similar to yours. At the time of BD I was 50 and my W 48. Married almost 20 years, 3 great kids, W on A/D's for over 10 years. We had a marriage that was the envy of all our friends and family. So BD really shocked me, never saw it coming. I too looked for the "magic bullet", the explanation on why it happened and how to "fix" it. There isn't one. You've got to resolve yourself to the fact that you are not ever going to know why it happened, and that there's no easy fix for it.

Anyone know how long a typical female MLC lasts?

A short MLC would be 2-3 years. A long one would be 8-10 years. Most fall somewhere between. But here's the real kicker, sometimes it's not MLC, it's a "life change". Life change can look exactly like MLC, but the difference is it never ends. It's what my XW went through. She changed into a different person. She's different to everyone- me, our kids, friends and family. It happens around the time menopause starts, different women are affected differently. But a fairly common characteristic is the need to be less of a caregiver and more independent. They've put others' needs first for most of their adult life and now it's time for them. Sometimes a long-term M gets sacrificed in the process.

I am hoping she will wean off the ADs, and that will help with the waywardness IF we can keep her depression in check.

I remember putting my hopes on that too. My XW actually did try to wean off and she spiraled right back into depression and that was the end of that. She is now resolved to being on them the rest of her life.

Look, I know as well as anyone the need to believe there's some magic trick to get out of this and put things "back to normal" but it just doesn't work that way. Look at my timeline, my sitch is old and I've been on here a long time. There has not been a single case on here of a WAS simply "snapping out of it" by taking a different drug, or not taking one she took before. It just doesn't happen. The recons happen after long periods of time in which the LBS detached, became independent, built a life separate from their WAS and left their WAS alone. The WAS has to go through a soul-searching, and at the end of it sometimes they want back and sometimes they don't. You've got to get yourself to the point where you are going to thrive no matter what the outcome.

Thank you. The life change things scares me. I could see this being her situation exactly. I hope her faith in God prevents her from acting on this but so far it hasn't.