Steve, I went through the compulsion of snooping. I saw things that hurt me. I kept looking and saw more things that hurt. In the end, I was torturing myself, but it took me a while to see that.
I eventually reached a point where I was tired of the self-inflicted pain. I realized I needed to respect myself enough to stop doing it. I went cold turkey, at a time when it would have been the easiest. I constantly told myself I was better than that, and better than the lowly cheater she'd become.
Snooping never feels good. You always feel worse after doing it. There's nothing good that can come from it.
Treat yourself better.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Holding thanks. I guess one way I've been looking at it is through the lens of "believe nothing they say and half of what they do". Snooping let's me see the 1/2 of what she is doing that is too be believed. I know sandi2's rule is not to do it, but that is more from the perspective you gave. After all, can you say you really detached if you still care about what she does?
But then there is the side for using what you find as a way of getting out of denial. I've flirted with denial for the last 2 months. "This isn't her." "She isn't like this." "She is just going through something/a MLC." "It is the antidepressants." Etc.
Seeing her activity upfront and personal lets me say "No this is who she is!" People are how they behave. So that knowledge helps stamp the LBS out of the fog of denial.
But you are right, it really benefits no one. You know the WW's heart is elsewhere. Whether that is in a singing app, OM, porn, wanting to live the GGW lifestyle, etc, it doesn't really matter. All of that are symptoms of a deeper problem of the heart.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, be careful of trying to justify things to yourself (been there, done that).
When you snoop, you may see details you didn't know. But like you said, you already know where her heart is. The details don't matter, do they?
My snooping may have actually hurt things in my sitch, since what I found out made me angry. That in turn affected my behavior towards my W. I wasn't able to detach "lovingly", and instead did it in a cold way.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Anger is one of the stages of grief, which you are going through. It's normal to feel some anger.
I'd imagine your anger should actually lessen if you're detaching properly.
I'll admit I'm the last person here who should give you advice on managing anger. Not that I was ever abusive to the XW in any way. It was just a phase I was stuck in for far too long. Still, some things that helped with my anger were exercising, going to IC, and (my favorite) yelling when I was alone. GAL was good for keeping my mind off things, but it never really helped me address the anger.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Steve, I'm hoping your sitch gets better, and wish I had advice to give. But as you know, I'm lost in my own sitch...
I'll be thinking and praying for you, buddy...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Its natural that the anger comes forward. Learn to allow it too come and find a constructive way to release that energy. I yelled and punched my steerimg wheel. I went on long walks and did intense workouts. I sat in the sauna for 30 mins. I let the anger come and I let the anger go. Anger is part of the process. Don't try to smother it, it will only fester and become rage if you let it sit to long. You don't want rage because rage is uncontrollable and leads to a lot of trouble.
Anger also don't allow you too see your Sitch objectively. Pay attention to your W actions. Anger will keep you in a pessimistic state and make you overlook key signs your W might be presenting to you.
Let the process work for you.
Onward and forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
So I caved and did some light snooping today. I know. SHouldn't have. Went to her desktop PC and checked the browser history. She is still visiting match.com. Don't know if she is messaging anybody or not, but it was a) not surprising b) disappointing.
I CAN'T CONTROL HER. I CAN'T CONTROL HER. I CAN'T CONTROL HER.
I need to remember that. I need to remember she will only change if SHE wants to. And it may never happen.
On another note, since I pulled back emotionally (despite the snooping) she has stopped initiating the "I love yous". Not sure how to take that, but it was interesting. She did give me a kiss goodnight last night, and a kiss goodbye this morning. But no ILY. She also asked me again this morning if everything was ok.
Health wise: I am having pretty bad chest pains this morning. No other symptoms though (no dizziness, etc). You guys that have been through it, are stress induced chest pains just part of the ordeal?
They were pretty bad earlier, now more of just a dull ache.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know. SHouldn't have. Went to her desktop PC and checked the browser history. She is still visiting match.com. Don't know if she is messaging anybody or not, but it was a) not surprising b) disappointing.