Saying ILY...

[mtb1981]

W says she looked at a house. Rent is $900 a month. There is no way she can afford it, but she has herself convinced that she can. Although she has 2 uncles that have always given her money whenever she asks. Usually the request for money is always prefaced with me being a controlling a-hole, so I'm sure this time will be no different. She's been playing the victim lately too. Telling everyone that I kicked her out and she has no place to go. When in reality, I asked her to leave and told her she could stay out the house until she found a place.

[mtb1981]

Also, she was supposed to be paying the babysitter, but hasn't paid her for the past 2 weeks. Keeps coming up with an excuse to why she didn't (forgot, bank was closed, paycheck was late). In addition to her pill habit, I recently found out that she's been doing cocaine now too. It's sad that all she wants to do is party with her new friends, and the kids and I have been tossed to the side. I wish there was a way to shake her out of this, but I know there isn't. Maybe it's best that she moves out into a place that she won't be able to afford. I have a feeling she's gonna need to hit rock bottom before things even have a chance of looking up...

[mtb1981]

W opened up for a bit of a relationship talk today. Made the comment that she has built up walls and doesn't want to let them down for fear of being hurt again. I listened and validated. She just thinks that things would go back to the way they were. Says she's noticed a positive change in me, but feels like they won't stick...

[sandi2]

W opened up for a bit of a relationship talk today. Made the comment that she has built up walls and doesn't want to let them down for fear of being hurt again. I listened and validated. She just thinks that things would go back to the way they were. Says she's noticed a positive change in me, but feels like they won't stick...

Well I don't know about you, but this makes me angry. The very idea that she has the audacity to say she is afraid things would go back to the way there were! It should be "you" who is concerned about how things would be if you let her come back. Can't you see that? Why do you still feel as if you have to get better to win her approval? I wish you thought more of yourself. You should have made it very plain she could not return until she cleaned up her drug habit and threw the tash out of her life.

She is a drug addict, and people will quickly discover they cannot trust her in any capacity.........and especially where money is concerned. She will lie and cheat her way straight to the bottom.

What are you doing to get a life apart from her?

[mtb1981]

I've been a nit upset lately with the serious lack of attention she has given the kids this past month. She goes days without seeing them, and when she does it's for a couple of hours tops. The kids stayed with my parents so I could get out and go to a concert Friday night. When I got home that night, W was asleep on the couch. She hasn't been staying here for the past week or two. Been sleeping in her van or crashing on couches. I told her she didn't have to do that, and she was welcome to stay here until she found a place, but she vever does. Oh well, her choice. I was surprised to see her on the couch. In the morning, I got up, showered, and went about my business. When she woke up, she was cordial. We chit chatted for a bit and she asked me if I wanted to go to lunch and drive by the place she was wanting to rent. I took her up on the offer. We drove by the place, had lunch, and everything was cool. I think she expected me to try to talk her out of it like I had in the past, but I didn't say anything that wasn't validating. I've been pretty good at keeping my mouth shut lately. After lunch, I went to pick up the kids and she said she was going to stop back by to see them later before she went to work.She never did. Instead spent the time at her bff's place playing with her kids and posting pics of them on social media.

[mtb1981]

This morning she called and I did not answer. About 15 minutes later she showed up as I was getting into the shower. She came in the bathroom to use the toilet and we talked for a couple of minutes while I was showering. She said she was sorry for not making it back by last night. (Yeah right). And that she stopped by her friends house. I said I knew bc I saw the pics of her with her friends kids.She asked if I was mad, and I said,"No. You can do whatever you want, but I am a little upset that you have time to hang out with her kids when you haven't even seen your own kids since Monday" (keep in mind it is Sunday morning, so nearly a week). And I left it at that. When I got out of the shower, she said she wanted to see the new tattoo i got earlier in the week, so I showed her. She chatted for a bit, and I was cordial but short. During this time one of the kids broke a glass in the kitchen, so I went in to clean it up. She said she would help me clean it up, but she was late for work and was "really sorry". I told her it was no big deal, I got it. As she was walking out the door she said "I love you" and my response was "Alright, Goodbye".

[mtb1981]

About 30 minutes later, she called again and I did not answer. She sent a text asking me to call her, and immediately called again. I waited for about 20 minutes and called her back to see what she wanted. She wanted to know if I would be leaving the house at all and if I could bring her some Tylenol. I told her I wasn't planning on leaving the house, but if I did I would run some by. I had no intention of doing that at all. I think she is starting to feel me pull away and the ily and seeing if I would drop something off for her (which I usually would do no problem) were temp checks. I'm doing much better at detaching, but it is hard. I know I have to stick with it if I want things to get better. And I know that things are going to get much worse before they get better. Sooner or later she is going to throw a fit that I'm not giving her the attention she is used to. But that's her problem, not mine...

[mtb1981]

Sandi,
I just saw your post. And it did make me a little angry, but at the same time, I really didn't care. I'm to the point where I am making the changes for myself. If she doesn't believe they will stick, that's not my problem. At this point, she has made it very clear that she doesn't want to work on things. I guess I didn't see the point into getting into a pissing match with her. I think she would have taken my comments about her drug use as being defensive and trying to blame her for everything. One of the big issues we had in the past was me constantly questioning her about taking pills. Sometimes she was, sometimes she wasn't. But I was always trying to tell her who she could/couldn't hang out with bc the were a good/bad influence when it came to her addiction. In my mind, I was trying to be helpful and keep her accountable, but at the same time, I now see it as being a control issue too. I didn't approach these convos in the nicest way. What I thought was tough love, she saw as controlling. Now I think it was a combination of both. She was gonna do what she was gonna do anyway, it didn't matter if I told her to stay away from certain people. And in the process, she decided to lie more to avoid those confrontations, and I would get more angry and try to control more, and the cycle continued and got worse. Looking back, I there was probably a better way to deal with it. Me not being such an a-hole and more understanding and approaching her as a loving husband that cared and wanted to help. Then maybe she wouldn't have felt like she needed to lie...

[mtb1981]

As far as getting a life apart from her, I feel like I already do because she is never here. I spend most of my time taking care of the kids and not really worrying about her. I usually go out on Wed and Saturday nights with friends. Have been to several concerts in the past few weeks. Looking into getting a gym membership soon as well...

[mtb1981]

W came home last night to see the kids. First time in nearly a week. I told her I was going to go out for a bit. She seemed very cold and distant. I didn't let it bother me. Just kept a PMA and acted as if. Before I left the hose, she made a comment, "Who are you wearing cologne for?". My reply, "No one". I went to grab my keys and wallet and told her I was leaving, She did not respond, so I just left. A couple of hours later, she called and I did not answer. A couple hours after that, she sent me a text saying she was going to get something to eat. I texted back asking if she minded grabbing me something bc I was heading home soon. She said no problem. Still very cold and distant when I got back home, but again I didn't let it bother me. After we ate, I went to the bathroom and I heard her talking to a girl from her work on her phone and she left. I just went to bed. This morning, she was still being cold and distant. I left to go buy some new jeans, when I got back she asked where I went. I told her I went to buy some pants that actually fit. She put her shoes on and was getting ready to leave. I didn't say or ask anything. Before she left, she said she was going to talk to her boss about the girl from work, and added, "I want you to know I didn't just leave last night, workgirl didn't know how to close and I had to go up there and show her". I said OK...