Take care of yourself, Steve. I hope everything is ok and it's nothing serious.
I did occasionally get some random chest pains. I think it was just the stress, or possibly a mild panic attack. It's your body's way of saying you're putting yourself through too much. Listen to your body.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
So I caved and did some light snooping today. I know. SHouldn't have. Went to her desktop PC and checked the browser history. She is still visiting match.com. Don't know if she is messaging anybody or not, but it was a) not surprising b) disappointing.
I CAN'T CONTROL HER. I CAN'T CONTROL HER. I CAN'T CONTROL HER.
I need to remember that. I need to remember she will only change if SHE wants to. And it may never happen.
On another note, since I pulled back emotionally (despite the snooping) she has stopped initiating the "I love yous". Not sure how to take that, but it was interesting. She did give me a kiss goodnight last night, and a kiss goodbye this morning. But no ILY. She also asked me again this morning if everything was ok.
Health wise: I am having pretty bad chest pains this morning. No other symptoms though (no dizziness, etc). You guys that have been through it, are stress induced chest pains just part of the ordeal?
They were pretty bad earlier, now more of just a dull ache.
I had chest pains, last summer and fall. I pretty sure they were stressed induced. I think that is part of the process.
If you feel you are being cold she can as well. Remember to loving detach. If she tells you I love you first, it won't hurt to say it back. You just don't be the one running after her to tell her. That was a very hard concept for me to pick up. I'm still working on being loving when I get upset. But when you work through it, you will feel and know the difference and so will your W.
Don't worry about the match.com search. It's ok to snoop to check progress, when you get obsessive, is the problem.
Onward and forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Joining gym. Reconnected with an old friend and we go to the gun range regularly.
So far that's it.
I am worried that you are going to drive yourself into the ground trying to 'unlock' the mystery of your situation. I was just like you when I started here. I thought that my XW was a puzzle to solve. That if I just did or said the right things in the right order and acted in just the right way....that voila...she would come to her senses and choose me.
Unfortunately, it doesnt really work that way. She, just like your W, had her own road to travel down. And any brainpower you spend trying to manipulate or predict that road is wasted. Truly the best thing you can do is let her walk her way and focus on your own road.
With that said, I would turn your focus towards your GAL. And not just hanging out with your friends and shooting the [censored]. I mean going out and doing NEW things and meeting NEW people. Rebuilding your 'swagger' is so difficult and yet so critical at this stage. Obsessing about every little detail in the sitch is exhausting and self-defeating.
Joining gym. Reconnected with an old friend and we go to the gun range regularly.
So far that's it.
I am worried that you are going to drive yourself into the ground trying to 'unlock' the mystery of your situation. I was just like you when I started here. I thought that my XW was a puzzle to solve. That if I just did or said the right things in the right order and acted in just the right way....that voila...she would come to her senses and choose me.
Unfortunately, it doesnt really work that way. She, just like your W, had her own road to travel down. And any brainpower you spend trying to manipulate or predict that road is wasted. Truly the best thing you can do is let her walk her way and focus on your own road.
With that said, I would turn your focus towards your GAL. And not just hanging out with your friends and shooting the [censored]. I mean going out and doing NEW things and meeting NEW people. Rebuilding your 'swagger' is so difficult and yet so critical at this stage. Obsessing about every little detail in the sitch is exhausting and self-defeating.
I agree completely...
As I caught up on your sitch, I keep coming back to the events in 2005, in which she supposedly had a EA...
What did reconciliation look like then ??
And I may be off base here, but I get this sense that the balance between the two of you became more of a parent/child relationship, or at least was starting down that road...
That maybe YOU had a hard time forgiving her, and that it has always been something that has driven a thorn between you and her.
Steve, I see a lot of judgement being passed onto her, from you...
Has that always been an issue ??
I also see a lot of you trying to fix her issues for her...
Have you always done that ??
I see a lot of you doing "new" things( or re-connections at least), hoping that she will see the "new" you and have a change of heart.
So maybe spend more time trying to identify and narrow down YOUR behavioral patterns, rather than focus on her patterns...
In the end, it is a much more beneficial way to spend your time...
Nothing that you say or do will make too much of a difference.. right now...
Yet everything that you say or do will make a difference ...
You are never gonna talk your way out of something that you acted your way into....
We were completely past 2005. Until this new stuff happened. My wife counseled other wives over the years since 2005 on how to avoid the EA/PA trap. "Don't invest in someone other than your spouse. Emotionally or otherwise. Keep your focus on your spouse and marriage."
In fact, she just gave this advice to someone a little more than a year ago.
Yet here we are today.
I think the biggest problem was her discovery of the singing app. Once that world was opened to her, and the flood of compliments from males started flooding in, she became addicted to it. Craved it. Wanted the attention. The first one that reached out to her on an emotional level she globbed onto. Also this was all part of her bigger MLC (which I am still convinced she is dealing with). Both of the OM have been 8 and 11 years younger than her. The guys I found her messaging on match.com were all even younger than that!
But I go back to Sandi2's wake up statements to the LBH. She is not the same girl I married. And in fact she isn't the same girl I was married to 6 months ago. This is a profound change in her and I don't expect it will ever change back.
Yes I've always been a bit of a rescuer for her. A fixer. She'd make a mess I'd clean it up. I realize now that it healthy. That she needed to learn to clean up after herself.
I know the parent-child thing has come before. And yes there were times I was parental to her. I think part of that is because of her problems with both her real father and her step-father. I think she was looking for a bit of a father figure (though I am actually younger than she is). But I am responsible, stable, reliable. All the things she didn't see in her "fathers".
Anyway, as time is going on I am giving up hope that this will be fixed. I am starting to come to the realization that I need to prepare myself for the worst. The good news is that GAL really isn't an issue for me. I've had a life outside of the marriage. I am into competition archery and go to tournaments. I am an avid hunter and spend most of Sept-Nov (and even into Dec) up at the hunting property. GAL is really an issue for me.
Also, I have been physically detached in the marriage for so long, that detachment may not work. Yes I am trying now to emotionally detach (IE not react to her words and deeds), and she is taking notice. (Asked me again today if anything was wrong.)
Every situation is unique. I appreciate the perspectives. I think the only thing that will really get her attention at this point is for met to file for D. But I will give her ample time to come around before I do that. For the MR's sake as well as the sake of my daughter.
I want to be able to look my daughter in the eye and tell her I did everything I could to save things.
As far as who Steve is, my identity is very strong. That really isn't an issue. I know a few dozen postings on a message board don't necessarily tell that story, but trust me. I am not the one with a crisis of identity. Can I make improvements? Of course.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You can answer if you like, the answers aren't for me anyway, they are for you...
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Yes I've always been a bit of a rescuer for her. A fixer. She'd make a mess I'd clean it up. I realize now that it isn't healthy. That she needed to learn to clean up after herself.
So maybe think about why you were a fixer..
Other than the chivalry, primal male tendencies to provide and fix...
Why were you like that ?
How do you think that she perceived that ??
Originally Posted By: Steve85
I know the parent-child thing has come before. And yes there were times I was parental to her. I think part of that is because of her problems with both her real father and her step-father. I think she was looking for a bit of a father figure (though I am actually younger than she is). But I am responsible, stable, reliable. All the things she didn't see in her "fathers".
Why would you think that she wanted a father figure, in the form of a husband ??
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Anyway, as time is going on I am giving up hope that this will be fixed. I am starting to come to the realization that I need to prepare myself for the worst. The good news is that GAL really isn't an issue for me. I've had a life outside of the marriage. I am into competition archery and go to tournaments. I am an avid hunter and spend most of Sept-Nov (and even into Dec) up at the hunting property. GAL is really an issue for me.
Archery...check Hunter....check
So am I...
Doesn't mean that I am any less for the other things in my life...
Given the choice of a happy, healthy marriage and those activities...
Which one would you CHOOSE ??
Hope is yours..
It isn't up to anyone else to either provide that or strip that away from you...
Especially not any "well wishing" friends.
A true friend would never tell you to move on, or just get over her...
A true friend would look you in the eye and ask you what you need from them...
What does your gut tell you ??
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Also, I have been physically detached in the marriage for so long, that detachment may not work. Yes I am trying now to emotionally detach (IE not react to her words and deeds), and she is taking notice. (Asked me again today if anything was wrong.)
Why were you detached ??
That one leaves me curious....
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Every situation is unique. I appreciate the perspectives. I think the only thing that will really get her attention at this point is for met to file for D. But I will give her ample time to come around before I do that. For the MR's sake as well as the sake of my daughter.
OR...
You get her attention by backing away...following the 37 rules. Being different because you ARE different..
Sounds like some things in a book by MWD...
Originally Posted By: Steve85
I want to be able to look my daughter in the eye and tell her I did everything I could to save things.
Are you there ?
After a few months, you are there ???
Originally Posted By: Steve85
As far as who Steve is, my identity is very strong. That really isn't an issue. I know a few dozen postings on a message board don't necessarily tell that story, but trust me. I am not the one with a crisis of identity. Can I make improvements? Of course.
I'm not gonna say too much about this, other than...
I always question a person that feels the need to say "trust me"...
Not saying that you are that guy...
However...
What improvements would YOU like to see within yourself ?
I know. SHouldn't have. Went to her desktop PC and checked the browser history. She is still visiting match.com. Don't know if she is messaging anybody or not, but it was a) not surprising b) disappointing.