Saying ILY...

[mtb1981]

So W just called and told me she was by the house to take a shower and do laundry. I asked how she got in and she said she found a key in her purse (I assume she knew she had it the whole time). I told her to leave the key there, and she said she wouldn't. I told her I would come by her work and get the key. She said she would not give me "her" key. She got really worked up and kept saying I was being an A-hole. I told her I wasn't, that I just wanted my key. Then went into every manipulative play she could. Bringing up the past, threatening to not want to go to MC after she moved, calling me manipulative and controlling, accusing me of playing games, saying all I want to do is make her feel like [censored], etc. I finally just told her to stop. I told her she needed to get help. She's out of control. That I cared about her, and that's the reason I'm telling her. Of course, she says I'm just saying that to make her feel crazy and trying to make her feel like [censored]. There have been several people in the past weeks, including her friends, that have told me they have seen through her bs, and that she needs help too. I told her this and all she wanted was names of the people. I told her the names weren't important. What was important was her realizing that she needed help. All I got in return was F you, I hate you, we're done for good, etc. Honestly, I don't care anymore. She has become a person that I do not know nor want to be with anymore. I told her she could give me the key and come get her stuff sometime while I was there, or if she chooses to not give me the key, I would have her stuff packed for her. She says she has nowhere to keep it. I told her that was not my problem. Then she told me to not touch any of her f@cking stuff, and if I did she would be gone for good, call the cops, etc.

[KitCat]

I think you could have stood your ground by simply asking for the key and not getting pulled into all the other stuff that you did go into?

I'm not doing great myself in regards to my H so I don't have a leg to stand on... but, ultimately if you don't want her there just have the locks re-keyed?

After its done just let her know that if she needs anything she can work it out on your schedule? You shouldn't keep her things indefinitely but don't threaten to put them out on short notice.

[joejoe1]

MTB,

As LBS we have to perform with actions and not talk. Next time, don't make threats just perform actions. You didn't have to go down the road of telling her to give back to key. You could of just informed her that you wanted the key back and when she said no. Your next comment should be "ok", that's it. Nothing else, no more words. The next step is just actions. You go and change the locks. Actions speaks louder than words.

The way you worded the interaction here, it seems like you did come off like an a-hole. You told her she needs help, why did you tell her that? Telling her that sounds like you are trying to punish her and you are above her. She don't want the person who has caused her all this pain, telling her she needs help. Become the light house she needs. Pls read, "love must be tough". She drew you into a conversation that shows her you are still attached and angry.

She has to want to get help on hew own, you telling her that won't get her to get help, but you providing tough love will help to start that journey. Keep your road home paved smooth.

Let go of the anger. It will be hard, but you have to practice detaching lovingly.

Next time don't tell her, her things will be boxed up show her. Who wouldn't get worked up when a person is making demands and threats. I know exactly how you feel. I also went through a a-hole moment while detaching, I looked very weak and took away from my own healing.

Hardwork ahead

Onward and forward

[mtb1981]

Yeah, I realize I screwed up. I wish she never would have called and I could have avoided the whole incident. When I told her I wanted the key back, she lost it and started acting crazy. I told her she needed to get help, because she does. And I did it because I care and I want her to get better with both her drug abuse and personal issues. Looking back, I realize you are right. Why would she want to hear this from me, or why would she even listen if it's coming from me. I ended up getting the key back. I sent her a text saying she could keep the key and I would have her stuff together for her, or she could give it back and come get her stuff sometime when I'm there...

[mtb1981]

JJ,
I just bought Dobson's book, Love Must Be Tough. You've mentioned it more than once, so I decided it must be worth the read. Got the Kindle version, so I'm gonna start in on it now. Thanks, for the suggestion...

[mtb1981]

W came by last night after the kids were in bed to get some of her stuff. She hadn't been wearing her diamond ring for the past couple of weeks, so I put it some place safe a few days ago. While she was getting her things, she asked where it was because it wasn't on the dresser anymore. I told her I put it somewhere where it wouldn't get lost. She told me she wanted it back. I asked her why she wanted if she was checked out of the marriage. She said she wanted to give it to our daughter someday. I told her I would give it to her when she wanted to give it to our daughter. She said, "I'm not going to pawn it, I know that's what you think I'm going to do". And she was right. That's exactly what I thought. She's been talking about how she needs money to furnish her new place when she gets one. My other concern was the amount of money she has been spending on drugs...

Back track to 5 years ago, when she left the first time. She was spending a lot of money on pills, and ended up pawning our wedding rings and the diamond ring. This was actually after she had moved back in and said she wanted to reconcile. I couldn't find my ring and asked her if she had seen it. She said no, that it had to be somewhere in the house. In reality, she had taken it and pawned it along with 2 of my guitars, her wedding ring, and the diamond. When she finally confessed during a moment of clarity, the wedding bands and guitars had already been sold, but we were able to get the diamond ring back. It's hard for me to believe that she wasn't planning on pawning it again to get some cash for whatever...

Anyway... she dropped the ring issue. While she was getting her stuff, I was sitting in the living room reading, and she would make comments to me in passing. She was really trying to pick a fight with me, but I wouldn't engage."Thanks a lot for making me take my stuff. Now all my clothes are going to smell like smoke from sitting in the van. You're a f@cking a-hole.".... "Are you not going to talk to me now?" Me- I don't have anything I need to say. "You sure had a lot to say this afternoon".... And then as she was walking out, "I hope you're happy with what happens because you decided to do this"...

[joejoe1]

Mtb,

Great job not allowing her to get you sucked into her craziness. She wants to blame you and you didn't get involved. Awesome. She noticed. It only get crazier from here. Prepare yourself! She wants to keep you wrapped around her finger. To have some form of control of you. When a person once had some control over another, once that control starts to being taken away, they start losing control of themselves.

You are detaching with love, she will try every trick in the book to get you back attached.

Once again great job.

Onward and forward

[mtb1981]

Any advice on what to do when she calls. If I don't answer, she sends a text asking me to call her. It's not about the kids, because they're always with me and she never puts forth any effort to see them. Do I just not call back and her get mad, or do I call back anytime this happens. I really don't want to talk to her...

[joejoe1]

Don't answer her calls. Don't text back unless it's a serious situation. When she comes back around have an upbeat and positive attitude. You are not available for her like your were when you were being a good husband.

She must feel the lost of you being her husband. Remember you are not being cold or mean.

Onward and forward

[mtb1981]

Thanks, joejoe. I needed to hear that...