I've been in this limbo for nearly 7 months. Having BDs along the way. It's hard. It is something that tears our heart in tiny pieces. And I found this forum maybe too late. Then again maybe not. I have no choice than to move forward. I have to sell the house that is the only home my D7 has ever had. Do I want to? Of course not. I'm in the beginning of all of this. That is something these great people remind me of! If I'm early in this so are you! Even more than me.
You will not survive this. No. You are going to fight through this. Because you can. Because you have power within you that not all have. You are here now. That shows that you are willing to something about things. Nothing will change if YOU don't change.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
I feel so low. My self-esteem is in the toilet. Ironically, I keep looking to her to save me from that. The fixer has turned into the fixee. The saver into the one wanting to be saved. The difference is she doesn't care enough to want to fix or save me.
This is what I said to you yesterday before you told me how you werent concerned with GAL as you had it all figured out.
Originally Posted By: me
With that said, I would turn your focus towards your GAL. And not just hanging out with your friends and shooting the [censored]. I mean going out and doing NEW things and meeting NEW people. Rebuilding your 'swagger' is so difficult and yet so critical at this stage. Obsessing about every little detail in the sitch is exhausting and self-defeating.
I would say that getting out of the house is certainly step 1. Its hard enough to get up and go anywhere when all you want to do is bury your head in your pillow and hope that this all blows over and you can wake up in that blissful ignorance of pre-BD again. I know....Ive been there.
I started by GAL by hanging out with my friends. And you know what I did while I was there? Talked about my sitch. A lot of good that did in taking my mind off of my sitch! When I started to actually feel better was when I went out and did new things. I joined a gaming group. That turned into a fantasy football league. That turned into other things and so on. Eventually I had a whole new crew of friends and acquaintances that knew nothing of my XW or my sitch.
THAT is what I want for you to experience. Thats how you can being to actually detach. It isnt a switch you can turn on or off: "Im going to detach today". Doesnt work that way. You need to be focused on other things. You need to be living such an awesome life that it is HER loss for missing out.
YOU are the prize, Steve. Not her.
Remember that.
Last edited by Cadet; 02/22/1808:37 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
When everyone first arrives to the board all of their focus is on getting their spouse back. In time you will stop hanging on to every word they say, you will stop analyzing everything they do and every mood they are in. Doing that is exhausting, trying to control them is exhausting as well. The quicker you can accept this and implement the quicker you will heal.
If you hang around long enough you will get to the point to where you don't really give a $hit and if they ever come back you can take it or leave it. If you put in the time and do the work you will become more focused on yourself and the progress you are making individually. You will become stronger and you will no longer view your W the same way you did before.
When I first came to the board I spent hours upon hours reading old sitch's trying to soak in as much information as I could. I came across the following sentence from an experienced vet that really helped me.
"Those who try the hardest to save their marriage have the least success"
-Being attentive and present when home, but not following her around. Not trying to engage her in conversation. Not trying to get her attention. (Again, believe or not this has been going well until my slip up this morning.)
The best way that I have seen this described is...
Aloof, yet available.
I lived 2 and a half years with an MLCer. And living on the edge of destruction every minute will drive you insane.
Aloof, yet available was my best way through...
Originally Posted By: Steve85
-Getting into IC. Right now we are in MC but I am trying to end that. I don't think her heart is into it. However, I feel that due to my unplugged ways prior to BD I need to tread lightly here. I got some advice to say "I am ending MC because I think it is a waste of time right now. I will be continuing with IC because a lot has happened and I need to process all of it." But I also got advice that as long as she is willing I should continue MC.
I would like to see you find a way (new words) to phrase this. And although actions are what are important, words still hurt...
Also find a way to phrase this so that you aren't trying to fix her, control her, or in any way try to persuade her...
Kinda like....
Hey, I am wondering if the MC is working for you ? Because I feel that I would benefit more from just IC right now.
However, if you feel that you are benefiting from MC, then I will gladly continue that as well...
I would appreciate your thoughts on this...
Originally Posted By: Steve85
My biggest failing is what others on this board struggle with: Not reacting when she says mean or hurtful things. I need to grow a turtle shell and let it bounce off. And practice my validation language.
Validation is nothing more than listening and understanding what you have heard.
Validation is showing (actions) that she, and her thoughts, are important to you.
Validation is listening without the intent of control, judgement, blaming, or manipulation...
Steve85, you gave me so encouraging words recently. So I'd like to say to you now, it was just a slip. More important is that you are clear-minded, have a plan and are willing to follow it. So just get back on track.
Have you ever discussed your 1 year deadline with the experienced people in this forum? Which effect has your deadline on your actions and thinking?
Last edited by Cadet; 02/22/1809:13 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Thank you everyone! So encouraging, and such great info.
Amo, sorry if I came across as having it all figured out. Obviously I do not! I will continue to ramp up my GAL efforts.
J9, thank you! That last quote makes so much sense. I wish I had known that before I spent $400 on a "save your marriage program" that was all about pursuit.
Thank you Mach1. Again your perspective is spot on. And thanks for holding me accountable when you see my controlling, manipulative ways. I need to work even harder on that.
Gisela, ty as well. I found that offering advice to others helps me to focus on things I should. But as you can still I still struggle mightily. The one year deadline was suggested by another author (not MWD) that I paid for a private consultation with. She too is a DBing advocate, and even more strongly than MWD and others on this board. I may have to rethink it at some point, but until you asked it never really came up. The idea behind it is that there is an end game to her cake eating and safety net. Even though you never really verbalize the deadline.
Thanks you all are amazing people. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this forum.
Last edited by Cadet; 02/22/1809:25 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The fixer has turned into the fixee. The saver into the one wanting to be saved. The difference is she doesn't care enough to want to fix or save me.