So I broke a rule this morning. Initiated a R talk with her.
I said that every time she talks about staying she says it makes her sad, but whenever she talks about leaving she is excited and happy. She agreed.
I then said "I think that's your answer."
I know you are all thinking, "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!" LOL
Well every time she detects I am pushing her to leave she starts saying all of the reasons she should stay. And even that she wants to stay.
Her response was: "Things are starting to balance out. When I think about staying it doesn't seem so sad. And when I thinking of leaving it doesn't feel so happy."
I kind of blew that off. "Believe nothing she says and only 1/2 of what she does."
I responded with a "Yeah but staying is still framed in terms of level of sadness, and leaving in terms of level of happiness."
I left it at that.
Back to detachment.
May have been more than 1 rule....
I said this yesterday to you..
And while you might understand the concept, the actions haven't changed ...
You passed a perfect chance to validate, and listen to her...
You still made it about YOU...
You still passed judgement because of that..
You laid a ton of guilt on her lap...
You ARE still trying to control her ans the situation...
If her answer wasn't the one that you wanted...then it was wrong....
Still....she sees this as your fix, for her problems...
How could you have handled this differently ???
How could you have shown (your actions) her how much you have changed ??
To her....it is more of the same from you...
And the reason that R talks (temp checking) is discouraged....
What I could have done differently is NOT started the conversation to begin with. I shouldn't have. And I am bummed that I did now.
Again, my action should have been to not have brought it up. It was dumb, unproductive, needy, temp checking, not detached. Everything it shouldn't have been.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
All of makes sense. You are right I am way too emotionally vested still. You are right that I can't trust her answers anyway so why try? The only reason she is still here is because she is cake eating. So I need to figure me out, and then move forward.
I feel so low. My self-esteem is in the toilet. Ironically, I keep looking to her to save me from that. The fixer has turned into the fixee. The saver into the one wanting to be saved. The difference is she doesn't care enough to want to fix or save me.
So I have to rely on me. Here are some things I am doing:
-Not allowing my mood to be dictated by her mood. I am actually doing this pretty well. Despite my stumble this morning.
-Staying active and busy. I can amp this up a bit and will look for opportunities to do so moving forward.
-Being attentive and present when home, but not following her around. Not trying to engage her in conversation. Not trying to get her attention. (Again, believe or not this has been going well until my slip up this morning.)
-Getting into IC. Right now we are in MC but I am trying to end that. I don't think her heart is into it. However, I feel that due to my unplugged ways prior to BD I need to tread lightly here. I got some advice to say "I am ending MC because I think it is a waste of time right now. I will be continuing with IC because a lot has happened and I need to process all of it." But I also got advice that as long as she is willing I should continue MC.
My biggest failing is what others on this board struggle with: Not reacting when she says mean or hurtful things. I need to grow a turtle shell and let it bounce off. And practice my validation language.
Any other thought Mach1? Any of the above I need to stop or tweak? Any other suggestions?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Like it's not your job to fix her, it's not her job to fix you. I've been there. I'm still there every now and then. Trying to find out what's wrong with her so I can fix this. But hey! For me it's my job tp fix peoples heads. But this is something that cannot be fixed. You and I, we need to understand and ACCEPT that. She needs to through this by herself. I'm not there yet totally. But I'm going there. Like it was written here somewhere: keep walking but don't look over your shoulder to see if she's following. Take a rest every now and then and take a peek if you see her. Then just keep walking.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
