Getting ready to move forward #2

[petri]

B/c I like to give a heads up. If I give her a heads up she can process it in advance. But I'll obviously need to stop doing that.

[TBSakaJ9]

I never initiated one conversation or brought anything up with my W about D or how we were going to proceed unless she initiated them first.

When she told me she was ready to move forward and file, I said cool, sounds good. Then she came back and wanted to sit down and discuss our next steps. So we arranged a time to discuss and we did. She then was the one who made the arrangements with the A, she did it, not me.

Do as you wish but IMO these types of talks put pressure on her and while they need to be discussed she should be the one to initiate and if she doesn't it sounds like there are mechanisms in place to help facilitate the conversations like the child welfare officers, etc.

[petri]

W wants her own life now. I'm giving it to her. Maybe too easily. The only thing she has done is filing D. I've done all the rest. Should I stop doing it...?

[TBSakaJ9]

I don't know what all you have done but I can say in general if you don't want a D then she should be doing all the work.

That type of stuff should be separate from your boundaries and the discussions you have had around your living arrangement. When my W wanted to move out in 3 months I told her to leave as soon as she could and within 3 weeks she was out. Once she moved out and we were separated and never initiated anything about our R or D.

[petri]

I've have put the house for sale, arranged the meeting with child welfare officer, done calculations of our debts and assets and made agreements upon them. I've done too much!

[TBSakaJ9]

I would just say in general if she wants the D she should be doing the work.

[petri]

I agree. Her innerself told her to do this. As far as she has told me. Maybe my innerself is wanting a D b/c I'm doing all this?

[SteveLW]

Petri, I am getting to the point where I am starting to believe D is better than limbo.

I know sandi2 says NEVER GIVE UP. But after 2 months I am not sure how much longer I can take it.

[TBSakaJ9]

Saying you want a D and actually following through with it are two different things. If your doing all the work your really helping to expedite the process thus making it easier on her or your asking questions about it which puts pressure on her as well. All pressure should be removed.

I was in limbo for 8 months. The more detached you get the easier it becomes but detachment is not a light switch. Some people think that just because they didn't have a conversation for 1 day that they are detached....it just doesn't work that way. Limbo is soul sucking if you do not get time, space and distance away from your spouse and really give yourself time to detach. IMO it is virtually impossible to detach if you see the person every day, communicate every day or try the in-house separation bit.

I never gave up in 8 months and hope is yours for as long as you want it to be. You just can't hold on to hope so tight that it impacts your ability to work on detaching.

[petri]

Steve.

I've been in this limbo for nearly 7 months. Having BDs along the way. It's hard. It is something that tears our heart in tiny pieces. And I found this forum maybe too late. Then again maybe not. I have no choice than to move forward. I have to sell the house that is the only home my D7 has ever had. Do I want to? Of course not. I'm in the beginning of all of this. That is something these great people remind me of! If I'm early in this so are you! Even more than me.

You will not survive this. No. You are going to fight through this. Because you can. Because you have power within you that not all have. You are here now. That shows that you are willing to something about things. Nothing will change if YOU don't change.