Saying ILY...

[mtb1981]

Mtb,

Stop trying to figure out what she is thinking and do whats best for you.

You are absolutely right about this, and it's something I need to work on. Gotta get her out of my head. I've made progress in the past couple of weeks with detaching, but I still have a long way to go. Thanks. I needed to hear that...

[joejoe1]

Mtb,

The more you try not to think about her, the more you will think about her. You have to find things to occupy that space. Listen to music that you and your W didn't share. Look at movies that you love. And the best way to get her off the brain is too GAL. Start by taking it one minute at a time, then one hour, then one day. It's a process. Slow and steady. It will get better. You will get healthier, and you will discover how much you can actually love yourself and learn more about you than you have ever known.

Keep up the hardwork.

Onward and forward

[mtb1981]

I've really been trying to have everything I do come out of a place of love. And last night when I took her key and the garage door opener, I could tell it really hurt her. I'm tempted to give them back, but I know that would be counter productive. But it really doesn't feel like taking them from her came out of a place of love. And I know it doesn't make her feel loved...

[SteveLW]

I've really been trying to have everything I do come out of a place of love. And last night when I took her key and the garage door opener, I could tell it really hurt her. I'm tempted to give them back, but I know that would be counter productive. But it really doesn't feel like taking them from her came out of a place of love. And I know it doesn't make her feel loved...

Tough love is still love. Enabling her isn't really loving her. I know the world thanks this. Think about one of your kids getting into drugs. Getting them off of drugs would require tough love, not enabling their habit.

[joejoe1]

Mbt,

I encourage you too buy "love must be tough" by James Dobson.

You are thinking that you were mean, but you wasnt you were loving. Love hurts and doing things that makes another person you love feel bad hurts, but reality and fantasy don't thrive together in these Sitch. When reality hits it hurts, especially for a WW.

Don't get to wrapped up in her feelings. Do what works.

Doing what feel right hasn't worked so far.

Keep up the hard work.

Onward and forward

[mtb1981]

Thanks, Steve and Joe...
I’m glad this site and people like you are around to help keep me focused. It’s so easy to second guess yourself and backslide...

[joejoe1]

Mbt,

I have been where you are at. And I have been on here and kept refreahing my thread just to get an answer. So I know how it feels. We want confirmation that what we are doing is right and will work.

We can't provide an exact answer but we can Do for you what was don't for us. I was given much of the same info I'm given you. Coming too this forum also help me research different/better as well.

Onward and forward

[sandi2]

If you think about doing everything from a position of loving her, you are going to wimp out, and lose the ground you've gained. That's just the nature of a LBH. Instead, do everything from a position of strength and honor. Not only do you need to have that mindset in order to find the man you need to be, but she needs to see you in that position in order to respect you. Doing everything from strength and honor does not mean you no longer love her. I hope this makes sense.

IMHO, it was a mistake to tell her she is welcome to stay there until she finds her own place. That seems to be all she wants, just a place to crash. But isn't it funny that she is no longer sleeping in the van and has moved to the couch? If she does get another place, I hope you won't be going by to see it, or hanging out with her. You aren't her friend. And once she's out, she should not bring her clothes over to wash, either. Let her go to BFF's place and wash, or to a laundry place.

You still love her and I'm sure it must hurt to read some things we say about her. In your heart you know it is true, but it still hurts. She has been addicted to pills for a long time. Mix a co-dependence with waywardness and it equals a disaster waiting to happen. You are getting stronger every day, and it shows in your posts. I know it hurts that she won't spend time with the kids. You can't make her be a good parent or wife. Once she is out of the house, I think you will be able to move forward a lot better. I hope you can figure out how to not depend on her for showing up or anything that requires her being responsible. In a M, it just becomes a habit, but you'll start realizing how you don't have to call to see what time she'll be there......or anything else. Just plan as if she won't be there.

It is so sad to see this take place in a person's life, but especially in a family. You are a good father. Your kids will know who takes care of them, and who loves them.

[mtb1981]

Thanks, Sandi...
You guys are all right, and I'm glad I've taken your advice, even though it's been hard. W came by for about 5 minutes to grab some things before she went to work. I had the doors locked, and when I answered the door, I smiled and said hey then went back to getting the kids dinner. She wouldn't look at me or talk to me, but it didn't bother me. I just kept making plates for the kids and getting down to Sgt. Pepper that was spinning on the turntable. She said goodbye to the kids and walked out the door. I didn't say anything...

[mtb1981]

Been trying to GAL a bit more to keep my mind occupied. Made it out last night with a few friends to an open mic. Tonight, I'm taking the kids to my parents to celebrate my oldest son's birthday and going to a meeting about the local recycling program later in the evening...