Saying ILY...

[mtb1981]

Also... What do I say when I do talk to her next? I know I'm going to get the "Why have you been ignoring me" speech...

[joejoe1]

Mtb,

You tell her what you told her earlier. You don't have anything else to say. You are moving forward with your life. With or without her.

She knows how you feel. She knows you want the M. Talking will begin when she is ready to work on the M. Until then, detach with love, do 180s and GAL.

Onward and forward

[mtb1981]

Last night, W ended up showing up at the house at about 10:30 asking why I hadn't answered my phone. I told her I didn't have anything I needed to say. She said she was calling because she wanted to see the kids. I told her all she had to do was text me saying she wanted to see the kids, but she didn't. Instead she just sent several sarcastic snarky texts about me not answering my phone...

She was all worked up and asked when we were getting our taxes done because she needed money. I told her I was still waiting on some tax papers and that I wanted to talk to a lawyer so I knew what my rights were. Of course that pissed her off. "So we're getting divorced? Is that it?" I told her again that I didn't want a divorce, but that I had a right to be able to talk to a L to know what my rights were...

We talked for about an hour or so. She's mad because I took the house key. She's mad because "a month goes by and now you're trying to be such a great person". She's mad because of all the stuff from the past, and even though I apologized and she knows I'm sorry, "I act or want to pretend like it never happened". I told her that I was sorry for doing those things, and I'll never forget them, but I have forgiven myself for those things, and I'm not going to hold onto them. She's mad because I want to talk to a lawyer, and even asked if she could go with me to talk to one. She's mad because she thinks I'm trying to make things difficult and this is some sort of game to me. She said she was trying to make things easy and I want to make it messy. I told her it was already a mess. That no matter what we do, it's not going to be easy. Convo ended with her saying that she was going to be signing a lease this week and would be moved out next weekend, but still wanted to go to MC once she got into her new place...

[mtb1981]

Today she called me and said she was on her way to visit her grandma and wanted to come by and see the kids and get ready for work when she was done there or she might just get ready for work at her grandma's and then come by to see the kids. I told her that was fine. I took the kids to church at 4:00, and she called as we were sitting down. She kept calling, so I sent her a quick text saying we were at church and then turned my phone off. When we got back to the car after church, I had 2 missed texts. "Can I go by the house to get ready for work and wait for the kids?" and then the 2nd 45 minutes later "Thanks" (which was sarcastic bevause she was mad I didn't respond to the first text. But I'm not one to be texting during church. When we got home at 5:00, I sent her a text saying we were home.

About 5:45 she came in and changed clothes and was gone 20 minutes later. During this time she told me she wanted the spare key to the van. I told her I would sign the title over to her and she could have it. That she needed to get the title transferred and get it insured. I didn't see any point for me paying for her insurance and she could have the van. Then she told me I should go ahead and file for divorce when I talked to the L next week. That I was doing everything I could to remove her from my life so I might as well. I asked her if that's what she really wanted me to do, and she said no. That she thought we were on the same page last night when she said she wanted to go to MC. But everything I was doing was in the direction of getting a divorce so I might as well. I informed her again that I did not want a D, but if she wanted me to file, I would discuss it with the L next week. She again said she did not want a D. Keep in my mind this whole time she is mad as hell...

Looking back, I should have just given her the key and kept my mouth shut. But at the same time, if she wanted the key back, is moving out, and wanting to be on her own, I might as well just sign the van title over to her...

[sandi2]

Please stop telling over and over that you don't want a divorce. You are doing better, making stronger actions, looking stronger too......but then you feel you have to cave to her manipulation and tell her again how you don't wan't it.......and that fuels her to keep playing this merry-go-around.

Every time you tell her you don't want the D, it makes you look weak. And she is going to manipulate you like putty. Look, everything you do from here on out is going to make her mad. Did you see how she twisted the truth to sound like it was you wanting a D? She knows the truth, but that is her way of sticking the dagger in your heart. Don't fall for her tricks.

If you don't want her in the house when you aren't there, then change the locks that key fits.

Remember, strength and honor.

[joejoe1]

MTB,

She knows you dont want a D. Like Sandi says please don't tell her again you dont want a D. Keep moving forward. Shes only going to get madder(is this a word). Remember when I told you she will get more and more out of control, thats because she sense the control she has over you slipping a way. A WW uses anger as a way to try and get sympathy because it worked so well before. Let her be angry, anger tires a person out. She can try and stay angry for as long as she wants, but it will only harm herself in the long run.

Your W will try all kind of things to try and get back some control be prepared. Stop telling her your plans. She doesn't have to know you are going to see a lawyer. Just go. IMO, I think you told her to try and scare her. I hope not, but thats my feelings on your actions, about telling her about the lawyer.

Onward and forward

[mtb1981]

Just finished Love Must be Tough. It was a good read, and helped change my perspective. I recommend it to anyone on this board. Getting ready to start on No More Mr. Nice Guy. I think I could use some guidance in that department as well...

[TBSakaJ9]

MTB....to echo what the others have said. About a month after my W moved out I told her I didn't want a D. She quickly put me in my place, mad me feel weak and wimpy. From that day on I vowed to never put myself in that position again and committed myself to getting stronger.

4 months later she sent me a text message saying she was ready to move forward. This time I responded by saying ok cool, just let me know what day works best for you so we could discuss. She never responded to my reply.

Just last month she said the same thing, that she was ready to move forward. I responded with the same, ok cool...sounds good let me know what day works to discuss. This time she made it happen and we will be D'd in in a little over a month.

The point is I got stronger and I vowed to myself that she was not going to hang D over my head. Put in the work, get stronger and you will feel the same.

[Vanilla]

Joseph

No one has the power to make another feel anything.

This is your power over yourself, your choice.

V

[mtb1981]

Joseph...
I get what you're saying, but my W isn't holding D over my head. She has said several times she doesn't want a divorce. In my case, she's twisting my words and actions around and telling me that I want a divorce. Taking the advice from others, I'm no longer going to say anything about it...